Helping partner who has autistic burnout/shutdown

[longtermissue]

Does anyone have experience of this? Would welcome any advice at all, I’ve taken time off work but think I may need to take more ?
Do I just have to wait and hope it passes ?

Go back to work and leave them to it (or just leave them for someone easier to be with)

Lovely.

What are they expecting/wanting you to do? Do you live together?

I can’t as he is a sahd so now can’t do the childcare / school runs etc and have no family to step in and help. I think I’ll need to take a career break if it goes on any longer.

I think I could have stepped in sooner as he did say he was struggling with a few things so I feel bad , I was doing overtime last minute (and often only an hour extra) but it was completely throwing him off his schedule at a time of day the dc are hardest work and I didn’t listen

If a person who has Autism is in burnout they'll need time to rest & 'process'.
They need to aim for plenty of sleep /naps, good nutritious foods (that they like) & a bit of fresh air / change of scene / walking / sitting outside too.
Like any other person who has been through a major trama / illness.
It's not a choice to be in burnout. It's very hard for the person & for their Carers.

OP, don't waste your energy feeling bad. Just do what you can to lighten the load for them whilst they recover. It does sound a hard situation for you both.

Do they really, truly want you there? When in burnout/shutdown mode, I honestly want and need to be left alone.

It's so hard to say without knowing the details, and that's kind of personal to your partner. Broadly, does your partner sometimes want to be on their own?

Cross-posted with OP ^^

He hasn’t asked for anything he’s quickly sorted out more therapy and is not demanding anything , I didn’t listen when he said he was struggling and I should have listened but I was focusing on work instead. Its just he can’t seem to function at the moment , can’t manage the school runs at all etc and is overwhelmed by everything and needs to be alone most of the time he said it’s autistic shutdown

Any pressure will make it worse. Someone in burnout needs a period of total rest with mo responsibilities or demands whatsoever made of them to recover, domestically or with work. Otherwise it may stabilise while demands are reduced a little and appear to have improved but will usually escalate again as soon as they are increased once more, prolonging the problem. Appreciate it's not easy to do, but without that recovery to how they were before is highly unlikely.

Cross posted !! Yes he needs to be alone majority of the time , can’t tolerate anything really just totally overwhelmed

How old are dc and how long can you take a career break for? What will fund the household if so?
Is he doing anything to help himself as suggested above?
Remember the oxygen mask analogy, you need to care for you first, if you have the stress of dealing with household/dc/work/now him all by yourself, how long before you crash and then what?

Re the overtime, did the family need that money? If he's alluding his burnout is your fault for not coming back quickly enough because the kids are now home from school, that's very unfair of him!

Does he actually want to be a SAHD?

Yes and no it was a situation most times where something needed to be done and I was there so I was asked to stay later and I thought like most people would ‘it’s only an hour (or two) the money will be handy’ and thought no more of it but it quickly became obvious that changing plans was messing up the schedule and he was just not ok with the last min changes and was visibly stressed and agitated , often when I was getting back he would go for a run but he had scheduled it in for a specific time and doesn’t want to go otherwise

It was his suggestion so yes

How old are dc? Could they go to breakfast club/after school to allow you to work?
Is this rigidity re run a new thing? One thing have learned with kids is schedules often dissary!

2, 5, 11 (but 11 year old has SEN so needs more support than an average 11 year old)

You have my full sympathy. I have a 15 year old who has been in autistic burnout due to school pressure. I had never heard of it before DD was so far gone she completely shut down.

Do you know his specific triggers for the burnout? Was it the dinner and bedtime routine or is it a more general overwhelm?

If there is a main trigger can you remove it? ie a childminder or nanny to collect from school and do dinner. You could then carry on working.

It could go on for a long time. We are stuck with DD's difficulties because school is her trigger and we can't remove that for another year (although she is hardly able to attend).

I think you need to do whatever you can to cover the caring of the children without risking your job. You'll need your work for your own sanity and the income.

Instead of staying home completely, could you shift your hours or ask for some flexibility to allow you to do school runs etc? He's home alone while they're at school/nursery every day anyway I assume.

I’m looking for a nursery place at the moment as I think if youngest is in nursery I can then work round drop offs

I feel for you and have been there, but as a Mum to an adult son rather than a partner. It's good your DH has sorted out more therapy but l would suggest he also sees his G.P, if he hasn't already. He will want solitude whilst he is recovering and will most likely struggle to cope with any pressure or responsibility.
Time scale for recovery is varied but he will need peace and quiet and plenty of rest. My son wanted to prepare his own meals but your DH might be different.
So sorry OP, so hard to navigate with a young family, l hope you have some support and find a way to cope.