Please help me see sense

[Namechange240]

I left my husband over 2 years ago now, we had also split up prior to that for 2 months and got back together.
We have a 7 year old daughter.
There were many reasons for the split including alcohol dependency, moodiness, money issues and sex was a complete chore and it wasn't very good either.
I should also say how happy and free I felt after leaving him.
However now after dating and all I'm finding is f*ckboys and time wasters and guys who just want sex. It's now making me look at my ex with rose tinted glasses and think he wasn't that bad after all , he didn't cheat, he was a decent enough guy underneath all his issues.

I know deep down it was bad and I was miserable for a couple of years before leaving.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I trust that I made the right decision when I left? It definitely wasn't a sudden decision to leave.
I'm walking about with this horrible weight on my chest of have I made a mistake. I can't even tell my family about how I'm feeling as they will be shocked to know I feel like this.

I should also add he has been a very good dad to our daughter since I left, sees her regularly and never lets her down. I know in my heart that we are not compatible, all we did was bicker and I couldn't go back to living with someone who has to drink beer pretty much everyday.
But still can't shake off this annoying feeling.

OP those feelings are normal that you carry.

Leaving someone who is familiar, when the relationship is so good but comes with downfalls when alcohol is involved, it comes with disappointment, resentment and anger. How I know is I too left my xH years ago due to exact same reasons as you. In fact your post could have been about me. So I get why you care and when the ex reverts back to the person you fell in love with, those feelings of doubt come creeping in.

You wont change him. No amount of love and devotion will.

There were so many times I thought about going back. We had a good friendship after we separated, during the divorce but he was an awful husband and that is what I kept reminding myself. Great friend at times, awful husband. Then I learnt to accept it. You will too. You need to be so kind to yourself as well due to the share fact that there is always trauma seeing someone choose a life like that and what comes with it.

Your DD probably has a better, more peaceful home now. That alone should tell you that your decision was the correct one.

Dating can be stressful. Only go back to it when you feel confident. In the meantime, get out and meet people doing things you love, much better bet for a happy life!

There's nothing wrong with you. It's completely normal to look back on things with rose tinted glasses.

It's understandable that having to deal with the fuckboys and time wasters, you're now missing the familiarity of your ex. Logically you know you weren't happy, but there was something comfortable about your previous relationship that you're going back to mentally when you've experienced a rubbish date.

Currently you're thinking, compared to these tosspots I've been meeting, maybe my ex wasn't so bad?

But what about a third option? Just enjoy being single. I know it's easier said than done, but it saves a lot of stress and hassle.

The alcoholic dependency would be a huge no for me and I suspect that also links onto moods, money issues and sexual desire.

Being single is a million times better than going backwards.

@HopeFloatsAbove thanks so much for your wise words. I never thought of it that way but it's true, he would make a good friend for Co parenting etc but an awful husband to be in a romantic relationship or marriage with or to live with.
Once I see it like that , it def does help ease the doubt and sadness. Sorry to hear you have went through something similar.
I feel like it would have ended sooner or later anyway and it was better to do it while my daughter was too young to really notice.
She lives most of the time with me and spends the weekends with her dad and loves going to see him. She doesn't live in an uptight , constant low level bickering environment.
I guess I'm just utterly disappointed and disillusioned with the lack of decent men out there. When I was dating 10 years ago, it was much easier , probably because I was 10 years younger and had no children.
But now I feel because I'm a single mum, with a young child , I'm getting ghosted, rejected , or just good enough to be someone's FWB.

@yellowsmileyface great advice, thank you. That's very comforting to read. I have a lot of other stuff going on right now outside of men so I don't know why I'm feeling this need to date and always have some sort of attention from a man

@Summerhillsquare thank you. Dating has been an absolute shit show for me since my breakup. Instead of boosting my confidence, it has left me feeling wounded and inadequate.
I have recently joined a writing group and have started a new course, I also go for coffee with friends and see my family. I'm also not on any dating apps , I haven't been for a good few months. It's a vicious cycle, I get sickened with them after being on them for a few weeks and then come off them for a few months and then go back on them. Wish I could just be happy with no men in my life at all.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees the alcohol dependency was something I put up with for far too long and it wasn't getting any better. It actually got worse during lockdown, he has lots of other issues as well. So it seems insane how I'm looking at back at the whole thing fondly just cos I've not met anyone decent on the apps.
The guys I'm meeting or attracting are making
my ex seem like a good, stand up guy which is ludicrous

Give yourself a break 😁 and speak to yourself as if you were a good friend

Knock the dating on the head fjr a while. Enjoy spending time with friends and alone.

Op, did your ex carry on drinking afterwards? I am in a similar situation and that fear keeps me here!

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

You have to realise that having ups and downs after a relationship breakdown is natural, not some sort of 'fault' in you. There will be times when you can only see the bad when you look back at the relationship, and times when you can only see the good. Neither of those things have to threaten your resolution to not be in the relationship.

Imagine if relationship happiness is a couple of years down the road for you; do you want to screw yourself up for that time, so that you'll be a mess when you meet Mr Right, or would you rather get to that point saying 'I spent the last couple of years working on being happy as an independent woman. It wasn't easy at first, but, here I am!'?

@Leavestumble I'm not sure if he is still drinking, I haven't asked him but I'm assuming he is especially now that he lives alone so he has no reason to stop and no one nagging him about it.
I feel like his drinking was so engrained , i would be 95 percent sure he's still drinking. Sorry you're in a similar situation. Feel free to PM me if you like