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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i overthinking or should be concerned?

20 replies

surlynot · 08/09/2023 09:02

A little back story: me and my partner have been together for 4 years, 2 girls, a home, a happy life...so i thought. When i was pregnant with our second i found out he was trying to meet another woman, i confronted him we decided to work through it. 2 weeks later i found messages on his phone with a female colleague (much younger than him) inappropriately talking, i suppose 'sexting'. I once again confronted him, he said it was all talk and banter nothing happened. I was 7 months pregnant and as you can imagine i felt very vulnerable, i said it was over..however he managed to persuade me to stay one last time.

Here we are 1 year down the line, and last night was the first time i felt something a little off since that situation. The last few days hes been going for runs, only about 30 minutes. He went out last night, a little later than normal, it was longer too. So i checked on the 'find my phone' and saw he was where he said he would run too, but was stationery for a pretty long time. So i phoned him...didnt answer, but phoned back straight away and was walking? He said he stopped because his knee was hurting and was watching some kids jump in the river (it was dark out). He gets home, and hes acting odd, i said why didnt you answer first time? He goes on to say he was taking his shoe off because he has a blister...but when he phoned me back within seconds of missing my call he was already walking? Almost like he started moving because i phoned?

Anyway he assumes im assuming the worst and his reply is 'just spit it out, i know what you're thinking, just accusing me...' (i didnt even mention anything, i just asked why he didn't answer) and says i will pack my stuff, i will pay the rent etc. its like he just goes off on a tangent and throws out i want him to leave? Its so confusing!

So my question is, am i overreacting? Or his he up to no good once more?

P.s i promised myself after pregnancy that if it was to ever happen again, i will be leaving, no hesitation!

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 08/09/2023 09:14

No definitely not overreacting. Why would he say all of that over you saying he’s not answering his phone unless he had something to hide. Get rid of this waste of space. He had no respect for you and your unborn child and you deserve better.

ReadySalty · 08/09/2023 09:18

The less you say the more he will and then less sense he will make. He's not likely to tell you the truth.

baileys6904 · 08/09/2023 09:22

Who knows what he was doing but the trust has gone from the relationship anyway

Berlinlover · 08/09/2023 09:22

Two children only four years after meeting seems like your relationship moved very quickly. Were the children planned?

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 08/09/2023 09:22

Has he got a blister?? Grim and tmi but if he had been having sex outdoors I guess his pants would be telling.... Not much opportunity for a decent 'clean up'...

surlynot · 08/09/2023 09:28

It was pretty fast in having children, theres 13 months between them both, our second was planned! As he didnt want children past 30!

And no he jumped straight in the shower, i didnt see his clothes.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 08/09/2023 09:30

Yes, he’s defensive because he is talking shit. I’d be looking for that blister!

dooneyousmugelf · 08/09/2023 09:30

He's offered to leave? Cheating aside, he isn't committed is he.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2023 09:31

Of course he's up to no good, he always will be. You need to start believing who this man really is and get shot of him. All you're doing now is wasting time until the inevitable.

surlynot · 08/09/2023 09:33

There is a blister on the side of his foot...thats why im questioning if im overreacting, its just the length of time he was stopped and didnt answer my call

OP posts:
Epidote · 08/09/2023 09:36

Let him go. Don't stop him. It will be hard but in a few months you will be in a much better place.
This will only grow up, the trust is broken and living always thinking he is up to something is no a good way to live.
You are not overreacting you are having a standard response to lies and deception.

VelvetUndergrounds · 08/09/2023 12:45

This doesn't sound great unfortunately Sad

TheWayofBeing · 08/09/2023 15:14

Get rid of him. He's cheated twice in 4 years when you're pregnant.

You don't trust him. Your relationship is dead.

Specso · 08/09/2023 15:38

The red flag in my opinion is that he jumped straight to saying ‘fine, I’ll move out, pay the rent etc’.

That’s classic from someone who wants out but doesn’t want to be the one to end it. He wants you to be the bad guy and tell him/push him to leave so he can push that narrative to family and mutual friends that is was your decision and your doing.

surlynot · 08/09/2023 18:05

Yeah i think that also, but i always say is that what you want...but he comes back with 'i wouldnt be here if i didnt want to be' @specso

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2023 18:13

Well he could be cheating but you clearly don’t trust him and if I was him I’d be really pissed off being watched and quizzed so much!
so you either need to start trusting him or don’t but at this rate your relationship is doomed regardless

googlejourney · 08/09/2023 18:25

A neighbour of ours / who I didn't know but recognised - used to take to dog for walks every evening (same time & route as me) and spend the entire time on his phone, once or twice when passing him I could tell the conversation was personal and intimate. A few months later his wife and him split up when she found an affair.

surlynot · 08/09/2023 18:27

@millymollymoomoo since the first incident of catching him cheating i have not once brought it up to him, nor nave i questioned him about anything, as i have not felt the need to as again...we started a fresh! So no he is not 'quizzed' all the time, i simply asked why he did not answer the first time when he had his AirPods in to have easy access to answering...if it was on the other foot and i did not answer first time he would also question me too. But thanks so much for your in put 👍

OP posts:
abyssofwoah · 08/09/2023 18:34

He’s proved himself untrustworthy in the past and now you don’t trust him. Even if he’s not cheating right now it’s not great is it?

Specso · 08/09/2023 19:03

surlynot · 08/09/2023 18:05

Yeah i think that also, but i always say is that what you want...but he comes back with 'i wouldnt be here if i didnt want to be' @specso

But that still isn’t you ending it and telling him to leave. You’re asking ‘is that what you want’ so he’ll always just say no. If he replied yes and then left, he will be the one who’s left you. He doesn’t want that on his record.

If you tell him to go and genuinely mean it he would have his narrative he wants to tell everyone. She ended it and kicked me out. Then people can feel sorry for him.

It’s very common and unoriginal but seems to be the tactic so many people use to end things. Be a useless arse until the other person in the relationship gets fed up and dumps you. I’m not saying that’s definitely what’s happening but I wouldn’t be at all surprised based on what you’ve said.

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