Why does it hurt so much?

[Cleopatra234]

So long story short, been with husband for 20 years. Weve always been good, consider him my best friend. Weve built a life and a family together.
Weve had a bad patch which has resulted in me feeling a bit resentful that i have to take care of everything (house, i work FT too, cooking, kids etc etc) without much help. Which left me feeling burnt out and quite physicall and emotional cold with my husband. Sex took a back seat and i often rejected his advances. Husband feeling rejected etc but not really doing anything to fix the problem (we had talked about this at times).
So fast forward to now, i found out hes been messaging and phoning a woman on quite a regular basis that i knew nothing about. Although they have never met physically, they know each other through work (same company, different locations). Initially was told they were just friends and nothing to it. Just talk etc, interests in common. But call it intuition i thought there was more to it. Turns out there kind of was. Theyd been talking about private things in our realtionship (i.e hubbys upset at lack of sex from me), and some messages were sent late at night when i was probably lying in bed next to hubby.
Why do i feel so crushed by this? Theres no physical affair, and theres no sexting or anything between them or anything like that. But this really hurts and i cant seam to get over it. Although nothing really went on bewtween them, i feel like the time he invested in talking to her, and the things they discussed are really disrespectful and im just devastated.
Weve spoke, he is also devastated and so apologetic to have hurt me. He never meant to hurt me, and he really thought it was all just banter between them and that was it. He understands why i am so upset.
Am i being silly to feel this bad? I feel like ive lost trust in him now. Its more the keeping it from me and discussing things that are personal to us with someone else.
Does anyone have any tips on how to get through this and move forwards? Ive considered if i actually still want to be with him, but im not sure this warrants such drastic actions, but on the flip side i cant be with someone that i dont trust anymore.

I’d give couples counselling a go, but if that doesn’t work then I’d say it’s over.
From my POV, you never get over resentment.

I'm very sorry OP - it's at least an emotional affair but could easily be more than that. How can you be sure they've never met? In my experience when found out they often minimise like mad. And how do you know this is the only affair he's had? This is how I found out my XH had had a full on affair before the emotional one which was in the infant stages.

Even if its true that it's only an emotional affair it is still betrayal of the trust at the heart of your relationship. And when you find out it causes you to reconsider, as you are, the balance in the relationship and what you are getting out of it. Are you putting in more than them? What are you getting out if it?

I'd go for counselling so that you can attempt to find out the truth and work out what you want. But don't blame yourself if you feel hurt. If it's been secretive and he didn't want you to see the messages there's a reason.

I definately know it's not a physical affair and they've not met. She doesn't live anywhere near us. Husband is never away from home. Never at work early or late etc. We have trackers on our phones so have always known where each other is. He's never given me any signs of a physical affair or anything. This I do thankfully trust.
I don't want us to break up. I'm trying really hard to move on, but it just hurts and I'm struggling so much with my emotions. I don't really class it as cheating, just a betrayal of trust that has really hurt.
He's doing everything right at the moment. His reactions to my confrontations have been very calm and understanding. He's not once got mad at me for snooping or for accusing him etc or tried to blame or throw it back at me.
I guess I just wanted some advice and encouragement on how to move forward and deal. Do I ask him to block her? Do I ask to see everything on his phone (I've not seen everything)?. Not sure what's going to help me really.

And thanks I may suggest counselling if needs be. Not sure what to expect from that though.

You could take it as the jolt you both needed to reset your relationship going forward.

Sometimes you can get complacent and resentful, in a rut basically you see no way of climbing out.

But if this gives YOU BOTH a jolt, a reminder, on what you have to lose in some bizarre way this might turn out for the best.

You could ask him to block her, or you could just end the relationship because he's been having an emotional affair and doesn't really give a shit about you. He isn't devastated about shit, he's upset that he's been caught.

At a minimum he should have promised to block her. You should not have to make these requests. He needs to show you now that he is really going to put in the effort to prove himself worth your trust and love. It's not about you getting over it - it's him proving he's worth the bother.

Set a high bar OP. If he can't rise to it then it's over. It won't ever be the same. It could be different but only if he runs a lot of extra miles.

As suggested by @frozendaisy I think you should see this as an opportunity to reset your relationship.

You describe a very common conundrum: lack of help around the house from husband leads to lack of emotional connection by wife leads to less sex leads to husband looking elsewhere for emotional connection.

women find men that share house chores more sexy than men who don’t.

A massive irony is that some women only want sex when they feel emotional connection to their partner and men only feel emotionally connected after sex.

I would suggest single and couples therapy. If your husband could grasp the fact the more he shares and does around the house and genuinely cares about you and how life is for you, the more he will get from you.

Because he's your husband and not someone else's. A 20 years long marriage is something.

I have been in a similar situation (married for 25 years) and for me it was the fact that he was happy to invest time, effort & support with her but not me. It was Christmas, he spent no time helping, bought me shit presents and I had lost my dad 6 weeks before.
He was adamant that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he was just supporting a “colleague”. She subsequently developed a crush on him, and did rebuff her advances but I was broken and we very nearly split up as a result.
We have worked through it and in some ways have a better relationship but I don’t quite feel the same as I did about him and I probably never will as will always worry that could easily have his head turned…