Am I overreacting?

[krne]

I'm really struggling just now and being told I'm being completely unreasonable....
Hubby started a new job a few months ago, hybrid working but office 70 miles away from home. His work is taking precedent over everything else right now including evenings and weekends which is a bit frustrating.
Three weeks ago, they were having an after work curry with 'the boys'. Hubby said he wouldn't be drinking and would be home later that night. At 7pm, he messaged to say he wouldn't be coming home and would be staying in a hotel that night. I replied but was left on read. I replied again 2 hours later and again ignored. He wanders into the house at 9am the next morning and can't understand why I'm annoyed. He says he never seen my messages (although he did). He had gone straight after work at 4pm and bought new clothes, underwear and toiletries as he had decided on staying but didn't think it was worth letting me know until hours later.
When he came home, he was on a phone call to his boss which was on loudspeaker. His boss started to speak about a woman from the night before and my husband immediately took him off loudspeaker. When I asked him why he done that, he laughed and said it was because I was listening - I really didn't find it amusing. It transpired that it wasn't a boy's night after all. He also hadn't spent all night with them as he had numerous missed calls from the people he was supposedly with, he claims this is because he bumped into someone else he knew and went to another hotel to have a drink with them.
None of this sits well with me, he lied numerous times and only admitted things when I kept asking questions.
I genuinely don't think he would cheat but the fact he doesn't respect me enough to let me know what's going on really pisses me off. Anytime I try and speak to him I get told he's sick hearing it and it's all in my head.
Fast forward to two nights ago, we climb into bed and he tells me he has another curry night at work 🙄 He tells me that he definitely will be home this time. So I'm waiting all evening for him to come home and message him as I go to bed asking when he plans to come home. No reply. He rocked up at midnight (after leaving for work at 5.30am) and again, I'm in the wrong for being pissed off.
Is it all in my head or is this kind of stuff really disrespectful? He has already admitted that if I behaved like that he wouldn't be happy but gets annoyed with me for being upset.

Sorry but what a twat. Sounds dodgy as hell to me. Can you go out and do the same thing to him and when he starts just say exactly what he said to you

Yeah he cheated sorry op.

He's cheating

I very rarely go out but have two nights out this month, both of which I told him about weeks ago. I couldn't do what's he's done though, it just wouldn't sit right with me.
I honestly don't think he's cheated but it is making me paranoid, so much so I've been suffering from tension headaches for the past couple of weeks. It's being told that he's sick hearing it and if I should just leave if I'm not happy, like he doesn't give a shit enough to try and work on our marriage. I honestly don't think he'd care if I walked out and never came back 😢

I'm sorry but it really sounds like he's cheating. The situation itself is bad enough, but his reaction is what really gives it anyway.

He's gaslighting you by telling you it's all in your head and you're overreacting. This is sadly very common when someone is cheating.

Of course any partner would be upset if their partner stayed out all night at a hotel when they were meant to be home, and didn't respond to any messages. To not even acknowledge that that's an odd and unreasonable thing to do shows he has something to hide.

Op, I'm sorry, but it is obvious to everyone that he cheated on you. He's now gaslighting you to make you believe you're the one being ridiculous.

I don't know if I'm trying to talk myself out of it but the hotel and meals are all payed for by his company and not him.

Sorry op, I agree with what the PPs have said about cheating.

The other alarm bell for me is him saying that if you're not happy then just to leave.

This is exactly what my exDh Said to me when I had 'niggles' that something wasn't right. Turns out he had been cheating with a colleague and he actually wanted me to end it. He was worried out it would look if his affair was discovered (we had a newborn baby at the time) so he acted like an arse instead and any time I questioned it he said "I'm not doing anything, it's all in your head. If you're not happy/don't trust me then leave me"

Hopefully not in your case, or maybe is just the beginning and can be fixed

Sorry, it definitely sounds like he’s cheating. Why would he be buying new clothes and toiletries if he was returning home at 9am the next morning?

Also i definitely think there is something with the woman that was mentioned on the phone call, i’d be asking me more about who she is

Sorry op, but that really sounds like he has had his head turned and he’s rapidly checking out of your marriage. If he won’t talk/discuss things then you need to take control of the situation and make some decisions. Been there - I know it sucks.

I don’t understand why you’re so adamant he’s not cheating. He treats you like shit , there is clearly something he’s trying to hide about another woman, wasn’t where he said he was, and staying out all night buying toiletries etc, which shows a plan.

and what difference does it make who pays for it. His company don’t station someone on the door saying no over night guests.

Not sure if he is cheating, but I hate feeling smothered. Being repeatedly messaged while on a night out, investigated, my partner being repeatedly pissed off with me, complaining that I’m causing them tension headaches would likely lead me to run for the hills and possibly into someone else’s arms. I am not blaming you, just telling the truth.

Have you considered that you’re just not right for each other? Maybe you need someone more caring and he needs someone more accepting ….

I did question what they were saying about the woman and apparently it was something to do with her taxi on the way home costing a fortune and the company was paying for it so the boss wasn't happy.

He is cheating. You're currently in the denial stage.

What? She messaged twice, once to respond to him and once later. Why are you trying to make his shitty behaviour her fault.

It wouldn't actually matter to me if he was cheating or not. It's irrelevant because his behaviour anyway is utterly unacceptable to me. Gaslighting, lack of respect, dismissive, unkind. I'd divorce over this if it's logistically possible.

Cheating or not, he is gaslighting you heavily, and that will only lead to you struggling with your Mental Health.
His behaviour is shady and is making you think you are in the wrong when is he the one doing odd stuff.

You're not overreacting.

This is why when people do shit things to me, i never ask a single question about it. If they cared, they wouldnt have done it and if they're capable of doing the thing, they're more than capable to lie about it too.. the lies then make you feel more confused. Trust your instinct always.

Tit for tat imo. Next night out you send 1 text then switch your phone off. And roll in at 8 am...

I said very clearly that I’m not blaming OP. She’s not only messaging, but checking to see if the messages have been read, checking what time his essentials were bought at … If someone is going to cheat, nothing is going to stop them in my opinion. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen comes to mind.

So much lying, changing stories, stonewalling and gaslighting.

@krne, your H is cheating with an OW he met at his new job or in the new town. He’s creating distance between you via his utter disrespect and callous disregard to justify his wrongdoing and make room for his cake eating.

In my view, he’s confident that you’re not going anywhere, no matter how contemptuously he treats you. I would cease giving him opportunities to bully and shift the blame. Tell him you’re not prepared to be treated like garbage and made a fool of. Tell him you are indeed rethinking the relationship, and mean it. As soon as possible, consult a solicitor to learn your options.