How can I afford to divorce?

[Silverangelina]

Feel so stuck.

I have been thinking about divorcing my DH for a couple of years now. Things have come to a head and I feel I just can't go on. I am so stressed and have been crying every day for a year, headaches, stomachaches etc. I really want to split from my DH.

The problem is, I just can't see how I can realistically afford to divorce!

We have two DC, DD15 and DS12. We're all living in the family home.

We have around £400k equity in our house. I have an income of around £20k per year. DH hopes to take his pension in a few years - that would be £24k per year, so if I got half of that, it would be another £12k. I don't have my own pension but have just started paying into one.

The problem is buying a house for me and the children - there's no way I could afford a 3 bedroom property in this area with my share of the equity - £200k. What can I do?

Is the only option to move areas, take the DC out of their schools? Even then I wouldn't be able to afford much.

The DC love our family home and garden, the thought of them having to leave it is heartbreaking. They are both neurodiverse so don't cope well with change. But what's the alternative, I become more and more stressed and depressed living in this marriage? And then divorce in 6 years or so when they have both finished their A levels?

I am going to book an appointment with a solicitor in a couple of weeks, and the CAB so hopefully will find out my options then, but I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation or had any advice in the meantime as I'm feeling quite hopeless about the situation!

With 400k equity in a property you are in a lot better position than most. Options to consider are living in a cheaper area to buy outright, considering the possibility of shared ownership, or renting. If you are considering claiming top up benefits then you need to consider that they would expect the maritial home to be sold and when you end up with 200k equity ( maybe more) then you will not be eligible to claim any benefits. Would he consider letting you and the kids stay in the house until they leave education to give you a few years breathing space?

Sorry I should also have said if you are leving the house and renting somewhere whilst the maritial house is sold, you can claim Universal credit towards rent costs and as long as the house is being sold then the equity in the property can be disregarded for a period of time allowing you to claim and get back on your feet.

Would you be the main carer in wgivh case you'd get more 'house' or are you envisaging joint care?

@Babyroobs thanks for the info.

No I don't think my DH would agree to moving out so the kids and I can stay here. I think he would want to have his share of the property if he had to move out.

@SecretShambles I was the main carer for years while the DC were small. Now I am working and my DH is not as he is struggling with his mental health. I think he would want 50:50 childcare

The leverage here is that he would want to keep his pension whole so you might want to negotiate to get more capital out of the house. My partner did that, gave his ex 70% of the capital as he had a big pension.

@jeaux90 oh that's interesting. That might work.

Does anyone know, can you claim UC if you have equity in a house but are struggling to pay the bills? Do you only get UC if you are renting and don't own a house? (@Babyroobs you may have answered this in your post but I didn't quite understand)

Why not rent? With the equity that you will have you will be able to rent for a long time

Based on the information in your post, there are a lot of factors that might mean your settlement isn’t going to be straightforward. The issues that stand out are the fact you say your husband isn’t able to work and is near retirement age. These impact on needs and therefore how equity and pensions are split. Especially if you are much younger.

Posters are going to give advice about how the starting point for splitting assets is 50:50. There isn’t a starting point. Assets are split based on financial need which gives bigger shares to those on low income and who can’t work.

In order to divorce you may have to move or rent. That’s because house prices are too high in this country. The thing you are most able to adjust is income.

By the sounds of it time will lessen your need and increase his.

@PickledPurplePickle yes I may need to rent. I wanted to put the equity into another property but understand it may not be possible.

@LemonTT yes I agree, my situation is not straightforward. My DH has actually been a high earner all his life (he earns 5 x my salary), but is now not working due to his mental health. I think he could possibly go back to work at some point but he doesn't actually want to at the moment.

It all seems overwhelming and complicated to be honest and that's why I keep yoyoing between thinking I have to leave or I have to stay. The problems I have now in my life and marriage could just be replaced with other problems if I leave.

Hopefully I may get more clarity when I see a lawyer.

Please do not live off the money and use it to rent. Dreadful idea.

The reality is that you will drastically need to re assess your capacity to work and expectations for living in terms of house size and location. All options are on the table.

That's the reality of divorce when you leave as the person with a much lower income. I doubt you would be awarded half his pension when he isn't working and is looking to draw it within the next couple of years. You presumably have more years in the workplace and can start your own pension contributions? £20k per year is barely much more than minimum wage - are you maximising your income? If not why not? How old are you? Even if you say you gave up work when the eldest was born 15 years ago you could have paid into your own pension for a decade before that - if not why not?

@onlylovecanhurtlikethis I'm 46. I was a SAHM for years as my DH didn't want to do any childcare or domestic work while the DC were young - I did try to work but couldn't manage working and everything else. I have ADHD, and my DC are neurodiverse so I found everything a struggle for a long time.

This is why I'm now on a low wage and don't have a pension. I worked before having DC but didn't pay into a pension - I admit I wasn't on the ball with money - I think it is part of having ADHD for me.

Obviously with hindsight I would have done everything differently as now I am in this position and feel trapped.

If you left the house and rented and claimed Universal credit then oyu would need to declare that you own half a house. If that house is on the market or steps are being taken by your ex to buy you out of your share then it can be disregarded for a while to give you a chance to sell. However in the longer term you cannot just have a lot of equity sitting in a house that you do not live in and continue to receive benefits. The only exception might be if you had 50: 50 residency of the kids and they were living half the time with him, then that may exclude the house from being sold but I'm not 100% sure on this. He would obviously still need to buy you out as some point when the kids leave education in this scenario. Your best bet might be a clean break, buy a smaller / cheaper property with your 50% (or more) of the equity or put the money into a shared ownership property and then you could still claim help from UC with the rent part of the shared ownership. Or see what property you could buy with your share of the equity and a small mortgage maybe ? If he won't lave the property and the kids aren't going to be with him a significant amount of the time then he's going to have to come up with a plan to buy you out of your share regardless of what he may or may not want to do.

You feel trapped but you have a huge amount on equity in your home. You are trapped - but only into a marriage that brings a quality of life that you don’t want to leave behind. This is a gilded cage you are in. Most of us when separating have to make the choice between a poorer but happier life without our partner. That is the issue you need to tackle in your mind. Your quality of life - and that of your children - will entail less in terms of housing and opportunities that money brings. It will be richer in other ways.

that is the choice we all have to face.

@Babyroobs Thanks, that's all helpful info, I will look into shared ownership.

@Upsizer yes, you're right - it comes down to being poorer but happier or being better off but unhappy and trapped. I would rather the first option.

I know I have more equity than some people, it's just that £200k will not be enough for a 3 bed in this area, but again I have to face the reality of the different options.

I think I am gradually getting my head around the practical reality of what getting a divorce will mean - I am still determined to do it!