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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

3rd Person In Your Relationship i.e. DH/DP's Work!!!

13 replies

Minstrel · 15/12/2004 18:34

I have changed my nickname for this, I am a fairly new poster but someone knows me that posts here and I want to remain anonymous for this.

Anyway basis of rant is DH's work. Over the past few weeks he has been leaving in the morning at 6.30am and returning just before I put the children to bed (Ds 1 & DD 6) at 8pm. He has supposed to have had a day off in December to go christmas shopping with me for the children's gifts before my dd finishes school, but although days have been planned he has had to work as he is working on a major project which has to take priority over everything else, he has missed lots of events for Christmas with dd because of it. On Sunday his company had a corporate event at Stamford Brige (Arsenal v Chelsea match) and as the tickets cost £120 he felt obliged to go, which was fair enough but because London is 2hrs away he was away the whole day. Dd then got upset because Daddy wasn't at home and I had to calm her down as usual. She keeps telling me how much she loves her dad and I think she thinks because she is seeing so little of him, that he is going to leave us. My ds takes up a lot of time and I sometimes feel she ends up being neglected because of the age difference. Although I have good friends where I live, we live hundreds of miles away from both families and my dd misses the close contact she had with her grandparents and my nieces and nephews. I know I should be grateful because I am a SAHM and at least he does come home eventually, and there are people who are in a worse position than me as their husbands are away for long periods or work abroad. My friend's husband works for the same company but in a different job and he is always taking the kids to school, comes home early, drops everything at the drop of a hat, which really annoys me. Sorry rant over I just needed to let off steam, I have just read back what I have written and it sounds really petty. You dont have to post back.

OP posts:

EbenyZebraScrooge · 15/12/2004 18:43

My DH lets work b 2 important, 2. Minstrel.

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 15/12/2004 20:28

Message deleted

purpleturtle · 15/12/2004 20:52

This is so common though isn't it? Most people don't get concerned about preserving their health until forced into it by illness. Reaction rather than prevention.
Can you talk to him about it? Or does he not see the problem? I imagine he finds it hard to see beyond the pressure of work. The thing is, I have a theory that when you look back on your life you tend to regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say they wished they'd spent more time at work when their kids were growing up. But it all has to do with the benefit of hindsight.

Chepstow1 · 15/12/2004 21:36

You are lucky but these things are all relative. It is so important to have good quality time at home at weekends for both you and the bubbies. My DH also has to do client entertaining/ work stuff and I do believe that he could take it or leave it, however this does not prevent me from wanting to rant and rave after 3-4 nights a week when he is out as part of the run up to xmas. I feel for you, as sometimes it does not quite feel "all work" e.g pretty nice day/night out,,,,

hatterselfamerrymerrychristmas · 15/12/2004 21:44

Hi minstrel - you need to talk to him, but in a way that doesn't make him feel under even more pressure. take it from a starting point of the two of you as a team - you do your bit looking after dd and ds, he does his bit going out to work, but at the moment it's not quite working as neither of you are getting quality time together, he's not getting quality time with the kids, butter him up and tell him you're worried about him, tell him you need to work out together what your joint priorities and needs are and what your individual ones. If at all possible, can you go out for dinner, ie talk at a relaxed time, not when he's just got in, the kids need to go to bed, you're both hungry etc etc

Original poster

Minstrel · 15/12/2004 22:26

Thanks everyone for your support, its very much appreciated. The good news is that this project is to be signed off by the company bigwigs tomorrow at 12pm. (Hopefully). If this is the case then DH will be off on Friday, hurrah!! Hopefully life will return to a bit more normality and dd and ds will have a dad again.
I felt better anyway having had my rant on here!!

OP posts:

Kittypickle · 15/12/2004 22:45

Minstrel, I know exactly how you feel. DH has been working till midnight for the last few weeks and all weekend and I have been totally and utterly hacked off. His project finished yesterday and I've just got back from seeing Bridget Jones with friends and feel loads better. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that his project finishes tomorrow.

purpleturtle · 16/12/2004 10:26

Hope you get to have a great relaxing family weekend!

alilujahcatsg · 16/12/2004 10:49

I'm the other side of the coin I think - I work in what sounds like a similar environment and DH is at home with adored ds.

If he's anything like me I'll bet your dh is feeling like he's always in the wrong place at the wrong time - when the pressures on at work you feel obliged to be focused to get through it and if you are ambitious you escalate that pressure, but all the time you also feel a desparate need and pressure to be home with the people you love (and are working for if you see what I mean).

I don't have a solution -its something I'm working through too. Hope the projects over and a success!

Original poster

Minstrel · 16/12/2004 15:44

Hi Everyone. Good news project signed off as of 12.25pm today!! Dh is off tomorrow, which means we can get the last of DD's presents (I can't drive) and he has offered to clean the house whilst I take ds to his first ever Christmas party. Thanks everyone who took the time to support me on this thread, it really did help just sounding off, and I am very grateful especially when there are people going through worse things than me at the moment.

Minstrel xxxx

OP posts:

Flumberrysauce · 16/12/2004 15:47

Some blokes are just like that, they are addicted to work. My dps dad was like that and dp always moaning about it. But history repeats itself and dps office in Manc - highly convenient since we live in London. And he is away all week. I am part time single mum. with less money worries thankfully

Flumberrysauce · 16/12/2004 15:51

Your dp cleans the house on his day off!!! Mine doesn't knwo what is housework and I work full time

Last of xmas shopping !!!! I've done none.

Quick say something bad about yourlife again so I can get my sympathy back.

Nah, it is all relative isn't it and when you need a rant you need a rant. Well done and enjoy your clean house, and have a wonderful Xmas.

I have my dp for 10 whole days !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

Minstrel · 20/12/2004 10:44

Sorry to disappoint Flumberry but sadly the "offer" of cleaning the house, remained exactly that! . Still he was off, finished the christmas shopping, I took ds to his first ever christmas party and he loved it and even sat quite happily on Santa's knee. But the highlight of my day was a bacon roll in Waitrose Cafe (I know how to live dont I?).

Emm do you want your dp for 10 days?

Anyway if I don't "speak" to you soon, have a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year.

Love Minstrel xx

OP posts:

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