First birthday together, plans?

[Birthdayplan]

Hoping for some advice or thoughts please. Don’t want to drip feed so i’ll try and share most important points.

Have been with BF around 6 months, it’s his birthday coming up in a few weeks. About a month ago i asked what his plans were for his birthday, he’s been stressed and said he hadn’t made any or thought about it much. I said OK it would be nice to spend your first birthday with me, together.

he then very quickly told me it was a close friends birthday around the same time and they usually made plans together and that he wanted to spend it with his friend (this was news to me, he literally told me during that conversation). He did say that said friend was quite busy and might not even be doing anything, but it was clear that the priority was his friend.

i found this a bit odd and a bit hurtful but didn’t say anything due to his stress and he gets a bit stressy if i share how i feel about things he’s said.

we just chatted this evening. We’re in a long distance relationship (he works remotely so could literally work from anywhere, but doesn’t). He’s up near where i live for some work training so he will be staying witth me for that from next week. I asked him when he was staying until as i’d forgotten.

he said oh i haven’t decided yet i can’t think about it right now (Depending on when he decides to stay, if he extended it by a couple of days it will be his birthday.)

AIBU to feel hurt about this situation and feel like i’m not really that important? I feel a bit hurt that his friend, who he has said might not be available anyway, is the priority rather than spending it together for our first birthday but i’m wondering if i’m overreacting. As we live so far apart i couldn’t travel to his location for his birthday unfortunately, with work and the travel time etc.

i also felt a bit put out by his very blasé i haven’t decided when i’m leaving phrase. We’re supposed to be in a relationship so shouldn’t that be a conversation together - and checking with me if it’s OK to stay a certain amount of time (he hasn’t asked if i have any plans and what date would be OK ) or indeed any further mention of his birthday.

for me the implied assumption is that he’ll just decide whatever works best for him and he’ll leave whenever he feels like it, regardless of me or my thoughts or feelings about it.

TIA x

Your last paragraph is right - also a bit of a red flag that if you say how you feel he gets stressy

Is he only nice when you’re doing everything he wants?

Yes it can be frustrating. He’ll shut down and get defensive regardless of how i share something. I always share things in a ‚i felt like x when you did x, is it ok to do x/can we talk about it/is there a different way of doing this etc and without doubt it becomes him shutting down and telling me he’s too stressed to talk about it.

there is definitely an element of just having to go along with whatever he decides (usually last minute or without telling me about something beforehand).

i definitely don’t feel very valued at the moment.

on the other hand it is his birthday so should get to spend it how he wants. I guess i’m just a bit hurt that i seem now to be a last resort option for his birthday rather than a preferred or even planned option if that makes sense

How far apart are you and how often do you usually see each other in person? Does he have to do all the travelling?

It shouldn't be hard work so early in the relationship, and you certainly shouldn't feel as though you should hide your feelings about anything he's said.

Odd that he said he had no plans/hadn't thought about it and then suddenly said about doing something with the friend when you suggested doing something together.

It's early days still, but he doesn't sound over keen to be with you. Give some thought to whether this is the right relationship for you OP.

It sounds to me like he thinks of you as Miss Right Now rather than Miss Right. He's keeping his options open for better offers and you are just being a place holder. I hope you value yourself and don't allow this to continue.

Thank you some good points to consider. It has sadly given me pause over the relationship which is sad as things were going well - although thinking about it, it isn’t great that i can’t share my feelings without him either getting really stressed or derailing and making it about him (eg if i say something, he’ll be like oh great, another example of how i’m a crap bf and i’m literally like what? Where did that come from. Then it becomes about me reassuring him etc)

We live a significant distance (8 hours+ minimum). We’ve tried to split it equally generally but as he works remotely it has been more on him as i can’t get time off work easily.

Yes @ItsADoggieDogWorld youve summed it up well and couldnt quite put my finger on it. But i feel like an option which feels really hurtful. If he specifically said to me he’d like to spend my birthday together, and i hadn’t made any other plans, i would spend it with him

I understand a LDR where you are together for a long time, then one has to move away for work but why would you start a relationship with someone who loves 8 hours + away? It's setting up to fail.

On the birthday, I don't think it is strange that anyone who has always shared his birthday celebration with a friend, wants to continue to do that.
Presumably if you've not even been together 6 months, and you live so far apart, it is reasonable to assume that you haven't even seen each other much.

Thank you @UsingChangeofName yes i was thinking the same with a long standing tradition. i guess it just doesn’t feel great generally - There hasn’t really been a discussion, he didnt say ‚oh it’s nice of you to ask, but i actually have this long standing thing me and a friend do and i’d like to keep it going’. He only mentioned having this tradition after i said it would be nice to spend his birthday together and even then it was like, not sure if it will happen. He didn’t even say ‚i’ll check with said friend and if we won’t be doing a joint birthday i’d love to spend it with you’

the whole thing just feels a bit hurtful :(

re the spending time together - for his work and with him working remotely, we’ve actually seen each other a significant amount (i.e spending weeks a time at each other’s places)

if i say something, he’ll be like oh great, another example of how i’m a crap bf and i’m literally like what? Where did that come from. Then it becomes about me reassuring him

This is a red flag. It's a very manipulative response to someone raising an issue in the relationship.

And it's weird that he wouldn't be more enthusiastic about spending his birthday with you. It's fine if he wants to spend it with a friend, especially if it's a tradition, but the way he brought it up sounds more like an excuse not to spend it with you.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be or isn't ready to be in a relationship tbh.

@yellowsmileyface thank you. Yes that’s exactly how i feel when he does that. I can guarantee it doesn’t matter how calm i am, how many ‚i’ statements i use, he will always say the same thing and say things like ‚oh we just shouldnt be together if im so awful’ even before i’ve even said what i’m feeling. This can be over the most minor of things. He’ll also say things like ‚oh here we go’ when i ask if we can talk about something that’s been bothering me.

yes i think i was hurt by his lack of enthusiasm about spending his birthday with me. It doesn’t feel great.

there’s been quite a few things where there’s been a distinct lack of enthusiasm about future things together. I am questioning things now tbh. We’ve spoken a lot about our future and said it feels really good and something we both see being long term but his behaviour and actions don’t match his words.

Actions speak louder than words, as they say!

The whole crap boyfriend thing would be the bigger issue for me than the birthday. I was with someone where I always had to be so careful to be so delicate when I raised an issue, and whilst it's good to be considerate of how one approaches things like that, it crossed over into treading on eggshells and it still wasn't enough. There was never a right way to approach things.

Soon you'll just stop bothering to avoid the whole song and dance.

On the one hand I don't think it's that big an issue about his birthday. Some people just don't make big plans for their birthday so I'm not surprised he didn't already have specific plans when you asked him about it. Also - You've only been together 6 months - so why should you trump a good friend who BF has been spending birthday with for perhaps many years?

On the other hand - the fact you feel you can't express your feelings about the relationship for fear of how he's going to react is a BIG red flag to me. Forget the birthday and long distance issue - this on its own would have me re-thinking the relationship.

LDR are always going to be hard. When you first got together surely the distance was discussed? Did you sit down and agree any expectations about how much time you'd be able to spend together? Who would travel to who etc? It's only going to work if both parties can regularly talk about their feelings and discuss any issues that get thrown up (eg - how long he's staying at yours each time he visits) But it sounds like you can't even discuss that - let alone anything deeper.

Sorry OP - that would be 1 too many red flags for me.

Sorry, Am I the only one that thinks there's a strong possibility that this guy is already in a relationship at home. All the red flags are there.

He won't make any plans for his Birthday. Even though this apparent "Friend" is a priority and doesn't have any plans yet.

He's often quite stressed - this is to make sure you don't question him or probe further. He just cuts it down.

Have you actually met any of his friends yet? Have you met the friend in question - whose Birthday is coming up.

Have you been to his home yet?

He won't commit to a simple request as to when he is staying with you. Everything is on his terms.