Friend’s gambling husband

[Prettybutdumb]

I have this lovely friend - she used to work for me many years ago and I noticed early on in her employment that her boyfriend at the time was mistreating her. She was quite young, they were in a relationship from distance and he was constantly pestering her to send him money to buy things for this life he was apparently building ‘for them’ - like a new car for him or to redecorate his flat, again for when she would eventually move to his country.

While I made sure no money was ever sent, I wanted to distract her a little from that guy and introduced her to a relative of my husband. Same age as her, good looking, great career and personality. To my surprise they ended up falling in love madly, after some time he proposed and they’re now happily (I thought) living in a luxury flat they bought together.

She called me today crying to say that she’s been living with this huge secret for over a year - her husband is gambling away all his income and he’s also got numerous credit cards. His debt is apparently in excess of £10K and it’s all spiralling out of control. He’s forbidden her from speaking to me / my husband, telling her their marriage is over if she tells anyone his ‘secret’.

My husband is in regular contact with him and this afternoon tried to open the conversation, but was shut down immediately - ‘nothing is true, it’s all good and normal, no idea what you’re on about’, but looking a little pale.

I feel like I need to help her / them somehow, she’s desperate to get her husband back (he’s now withdrawn, not doing anything in the house and not coming home from work). It’s definitely not an affair, he’s in betting places for hours at a time.

I have no experience at all with any type of addiction, I’ve never know anyone dealing with this and what can be done. She says he’s been strongly shutting down her suggestions of therapy. Is their marriage over? Is his life going to be messed up forever? They’re not even 30 yet! No kids.

(Apologies if any parts sound a little bizarre, English is not my first language).

She needs to leave him. Honestly. It will spiral and she will go down with sinking ship as he will trash her credit rating and spend all her money to, potentially loosing their home etc.

My sister is a gambling addict. She is abusive and a lier. She cons people out of money. Tens of Thousands and thousands off her partner and her family. She's spent all my Dad's savings and she just lies and lies and people get hurt over and over. Most of my family now have very very poor financial situations and very poor mental health as a result of her gambling.

I would recommend she joins a support group on Facebook for family of gamblers and really see the extent she could have her life destroyed by this.

This man is not ready to stop. He is still in denial about it and is refusing therapy which he seriously needs. He needs to be going to GA and engaging with specialist gambling therapists and he needs to sign up to gam stop. It doesn't sound like he is at all ready to do that.

The more she puts up with and the more she stays the more she will enable. My family and my sister's partner all enabled her and it's a disaster.

I think as a friend you need to be straight with her. She needs to leave or this situation will destroy her financially and it will ruin her mental health.

Have a look at the citizens advice website. They have a project Action on Gambling Harm. There is advice on there for the gambler including all sorts of treatment options if the person is ready to take that step. But also loads of advice for partners etc who are being impacted by someone else's gambling. Your friend can call them and get more information. It is free and confidential.

My nephew was a gambler and his parents tried and failed to help him. They paupered themselves trying to clear his debts ( which was actually merely enabling him to continue gambling, but they didn't see it at first) and it was all for nothing. You wouldn't believe how adept he was at telling convincing lies. He stole credits cards from his brother, issued bouncing cheques to repay family members, received murder threats and finally went to prison for convincing some poor woman that he was a business man looking for investments. He took £300k from her. He had absolutely no conscience and never accepted he had a gambling problem. He lost every penny to betting on horses.

His parents cut themselves off from him for their own sakes. He ruined their credit rating by living at the same address.

Your friend needs to leave him to sink, he is the only person who can help himself. That sounds a long way off as he is in denial. She will not know the extent of the problem, although she may think she does. She needs legal advice quickly to distance herself from being dragged down with him, being left penniless, homeless and saddled with his debts. .

Thank you to everyone that took the time to reply. I was hoping there would be solutions or success stories… It looks like it’s the end for them, I’ll call her tomorrow to advise she starts divorce proceedings. What a heartbreaking end and what a stupid man! She’s an absolute stunner with a great bubbly personality as well, I hope she’s going to rebuild her life in no time.

My ex-husband was a gambler. It's so pointless it's hard to understand. He had no access to family money. I was the main provider. His total contribution to our family was €140 month.

I paid off his debts and he went off to the casino the same evening.

All she can do is separate their finances so all his debt is his and not theirs. So no access to family money. No joint account. All debt in his name. Mortgage and house only in her name. He'll probably try and remortgage.

He puts a contribution into her account and then he'll blow the rest.

The bank can help him but only if he asks.

She needs to leave him. Nothing more she can do.

She cannot help him OP. No-one in the world can until he accepts and acknowledges he has an addiction.
Even if that happened she should stay away from him for at least a year, and after all that she should protect her finances and credit because statistics show he will probably relapse.

While his addiction is in control of him he cannot be trusted in any way financially.

Please tell it to her straight. The best thing she can do to help him is to leave him NOW.

My father had a gambling addiction. It ruined every relationship he ever had. He was in and out of Gambler's Anonnymous. When he died, he had one friend left that would speak to him. He always needed money and he would do whatever it took to get it.