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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

series of mistakes — feeling awful

21 replies

millponds · 07/09/2023 21:36

I really am sitting here feeling hideous. I don’t know what to do.

I got out of a terrible marriage three years ago. My head was all over the place, but as I have young children I’ve had to be very strong. The marriage was extremely lonely and not really like a relationship at all.

I really wanted to connect.

About six months ago I started a thing with my one who got away. He said his marriage was broken and I was so elated… I thought he was a safe person and also that he had loved me before. But I don’t know if his plan has changed and he’s now staying for the kids. We haven’t seen each other for a month or so. I miss him so much. And it has dawned on me that I have probably been the outsider in a serious affair.

It’s all just caught up with me. I have craved connection and now just feel more alone than ever. I know advice will be to stop all dating and get therapy. I do therapy.

What can I do now, tomorrow to feel better and see sense. I feel so bereft and low. The worst I’ve ever felt.

OP posts:

Janieforever · 07/09/2023 21:42

What do you mean his marriage was broken, he was still with her when you started seeing him?

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 21:45

He said they’d broken up but I actually don’t think they had.

OP posts:

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 21:45

Youll probably get the advice that you said above and I’d agree but what I’d say is, don’t speak to him. Let him speak to you and don’t do anything moving forward until he’s proved to be separated from his wife. Its fairer on her and you. Why wouldn’t he keep both if you are both available to him.

if you beg for his attention he literally will have it all and will see your worth as less as you don’t respect yourself. Respect yourself, you’ve been very strong and gone through a lot, you deserve more than what he’s giving you.

Also, invest in yourself. You must be feeling quite low if you have settled for being a secondary. You are worth more. Learn to be happy with you. Through therapy, hobbies, your kids etc. After this you might not even want him back.

it’s win win then. He will come back and you can make a choice and if he doesn’t you will feel happy enough to see it was better it didn’t move forward.

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 21:50

Thank you, @DWSDB. That is kind advice.

OP posts:

newmama311 · 07/09/2023 21:51

Fantastic advice from @DWSDB agree with everything they have said. Go off the radar on social media too

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 21:56

Thank you for being kind. I thought I was going to get told I was scum. Which is how I feel.

OP posts:

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 21:57

You’re not scum at all, bad decisions doesn’t equate to a bad person. X

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 22:02

I need to make the right decisions next

OP posts:

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 22:04

When you feel lonely reach out to other people who care about you, or even through other means. No good will come from you contacting him now, short term high to long term low. Google some hobbies for home 😊

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 22:06

I’ve already contacted him enough. We text every day. He obviously likes me, but just seems not to be leaving the house. Even though I feel convinced their marriage is (obviously!!) fucked

OP posts:

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 22:06

Sorry to swear. I’ll stop now though, and not write to him again

OP posts:

Summer2424 · 07/09/2023 22:17

Hi @millponds
You're not alone hun, oh god i've been through some really crappy situations xx
Please don't stress or worry. Tomorrow just focus on you, go gym, juice some veg, paint your nails, try a new make up style and remember you're amazing! Xx

DWSDB · 07/09/2023 22:17

I don’t care if you swear 😂If you text everyday just let him know you can’t continue without reassurance of a future without another person on the other side as it’s not fair on anyone. Just wish him well and end the conversation positively but holding your boundaries.

If he is texting that often he will miss you. Let him miss you and don’t allow him back until you have absolute reassurance it is over between them and you can have a future.

Please work on your happiness and that of your children that’s the most important thing. Good luck 😊

RadioFoot · 07/09/2023 22:21

He isn't the solution to your problems.

Date someone new.

He isn't a nice person but treating you (and his partner) like this.

Good luck. Sorry you feel crap. It's shit.

Original poster

millponds · 07/09/2023 22:46

No, you’re right

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 07/09/2023 23:22

OP, please shut down contact. He misled you and by the sound of it let you think you had a future together.
The best thing you can do is to go no contact with him to give yourself a chance to heal and get over him.
He is a married man who is keeping you on the back burner with these daily phone calls, and there is no future for you here. Also, think of his poor wife and how he is treating her. Why on earth would you want someone like that in your life?

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 23:37

It sounds like you were seeking desperate attention. You say you thought his marriage was over, but actually what he said was his marriage was broken and then you said you think he stayed for the kids..so you must have known he was still living with his wife and children when you participated in trying to from a relationship with him.
How did it make you feel knowing you could have played a part in potentially breaking a family up?
There are billions of men in the word, why go for one who was quite obviously taken?
This is not something i could EVER do. I know what it feels like to have some women come and rip your family apart because she wants to take your dad away all for herself.

Get your own husband and don't go round stealing other peoples.

SunflowerTed · 07/09/2023 23:47

Let him go. He’s flattered you and given you attention but he isn’t moving on with you. Send him a nice message and then block - start afresh xx

Dery · 08/09/2023 00:39

@millponds - how could you think this guy was a safe person when he was cheating on his wife and you were his affair partner? He’s the definition of unsafe - a liar and a cheat. It was pretty shitty behaviour to pursue an affair with this guy. That doesn’t make you a bad person, though. God knows, I’ve done some pretty shitty things too in my time.

Your marriage was terrible and you looked to a married man to help you feel connected. So it looks like you make poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Have you looked into that? It might be worth spending some time working that out so you can make healthier decisions in the future.

Original poster

millponds · 08/09/2023 06:04

Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I do make bad decisions! I have looked into it in therapy and it is the usual reasons.

OP posts:

Susieb2023 · 08/09/2023 06:20

Have no idea why you’re getting sympathy? You knowingly got into a relationship with a married man WITH children. You CHOSE to believe the rubbish they ALL spill out of their mouths and are now feeling upset he hasn’t dropped everything for you.

We’ve all been hurt by previous relationships, and many have been in toxic relationships but that doesn’t give us an excuse to intrude on another persons marriage (via some nasty cheating man).

Her right to informed sexual consent was removed by him, her right to her personal agency, she is being gaslighted and lied to daily: him being ‘unhappy’ or whatever bs he fed to you doesn’t excuse that. Anyone with a moral compass can see that!

Block, move on and get some counselling. Start by finding empathy for the woman whose life is being torn apart by this idiot and realising she’s the one who deserves the sympathy here.

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