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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated before last xmas

5 replies

Lostsoul2023 · 07/09/2023 20:23

Before last xmas at a family party i kissed my old teenage crush. I was mad about him at 16 or so, he lived over the road. He was then chasing after me at 18 or so. Timing was wrong, we did meet at a nightclub once at 17/18 then someone else caught my eye and we went our separate ways after just one encounter in our teenage years.
wasnt really treated right by boyf at 20/21 and me and previous guy kissed again at another venue when 20/21 , both in relationships which ended after that kiss. We were only 20/21 - obviously something still there.
fast forward 23/24 years, both married, both probably drunk n he buys me a drink
at our very local country bar, i decline but he insists and then begs me to let him drop me home just down the road. So i do and we end up together in his car. No intercourse, i could not do it. Just kiss etc and intense 2nd base but nothing more. After our time together i said to him what is it with us that this has happened again? He said we just seem to have a connection dont we?
nothing since, we know it cant go any further, absolutely no contact -
i stupidly sent him a blank message on fb (we are friends on that) i was stalking and went through in error but i unsent it . He asked me did he then miss a message from me that he hadnt been on in a few months: i just sent him a picture of my dad n
him from party whom he loves to cover my tracks . And said hope you are doing ok. Thats been it. Zero contact since.he didn’t reply .
i cant get him out of my head. He is my childhood love that got away.
a week later i was seeing his work vans everywhere in my area about 50 mins from his. Seen him in the really rural local village to price a job which is totally off the beaten track, met him twice over summer in jeep stones throw from my homeplace when ive never laid eyes on him prior to that really. My birthday is same day as his dad n brother, his birthday same day as my parents wedding anniversary. His dad died years ago traumatically the same date and day my lovely dog died. He has kissed me on cheek twice in passing at his mams funeral and on a night out in local pub over last few years. Its like the stars align for us. Has liked few of my posts on fb over past few years. Had told a few local lads in a bar quite drunkily one night 8 years ago with me present that he used love this girl as in me about 8 years ago at another party (while married). He passed the church the day i was getting married and i was on doorstep about to head in. My head is mess i am living in the past i know.
the night before xmas he obviously knew my husband wasnt there on the night from an early stage. Moved from door to pub counter, Asked me where my man was at the end of our night. Asked “were we going to a hotel so” on our way home as i had mentioned it earlier (cringe, v drunk) he mentioned the connection at end of night so not like he was trying it on with me too heavily by saying that at beginning of night to get in my pants.
my husband doesn’t deserve this and i will tell him as im cracking up.
i just cant move forward and im wondering what the other guy is thinking or if he is regretting the night. Its like i need closure on us but cant reach out to him. Im so sad. I know we cannot be. He knows too. He said he is happy in his marriage and i am happy in my marriage when i was going on about not maybe going through with anything only a lift home on that night but that was obviously only to calm me as such for what lied ahead as in just a bit of fun.
they have 3 kids all ivf
help

OP posts:
MsMcGonagall · 07/09/2023 21:46

You've got to out this out of your head. There is no substance - concentrate on the "no reply", "he's happy in his marriage with children", these are things of substance.

We all have past loves and ones that got away. Easier when you don't bump into them! but they were loves for a season, they are our past not our future.

Read about limerance, kind of obsessive feelings that aren't grounded in reality. Tell yourself you're not going to act on this.

lanadelrayyy · 07/09/2023 22:50

Why does it matter if his kids are IVF pregnancies? Or that his dad died the same day your dog died??

Mom2K · 07/09/2023 22:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 07/09/2023 23:01

Have a Google and look up what happens to the brain with first loves. It's the first time all of the endorphins and feel good hormones have ever been activated, the first time is the strongest. Everytime you are then reminded of that person your brain remembers the intense release of endorphins, this then makes you feel like they were the one because the first time it happens is the most intense.

In reality, he could have been a complete arse, but your brain won't process that because of the intense emotion connected. Love is far more than the initial rush of lust in the beginning. It's about being compatible, building a life together, trust, similar life goals and then a bit of attraction thrown in.

Im obviously paraphrasing the above but I think it would be very helpful for you to have a read, it may help you process your emotions. This situation is very unhealthy and ultimately hurting your (presumably) happy relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2023 23:03

You’re not in a happy marriage or you wouldn’t be obsessing about another man. Your husband deserves better.

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