Question for happily married people

[LoveMyGirls]

You know when you argue/ if you argue? what type of row is it? Is it always something silly that you laugh about later or is it one deep rooted problem that you brush over because the rest of your relationship is so perfect until next time?

I've been with dp 6 years and am seriously hoping we'll get married BUT yesterday we had a row in which Dp says he wants our kids to have what they want and I say I don't want them to be spoilt and constantly expect their every whim to be catered for, we made up about 2 hours later and we're ok now but I guess I'm wondering if most people are like this?

DH and I have been together for over 10years, and married for nearly 7.
We bicker a bit, but usually over trivial stuff, and it's quickly forgotten.
What I have learnt is that there are battles that you can ignore, and battles what you need to fight. It's kind of like dealing with children: if it's important to you, fight for it, if not, then save your energy for something else.

For what it's worth, IMHO something like parenting styles should be spoken about NOW before you actually have any children........

Our one bugbear is housework - we have a big row about every 6 months and both know that things will never really change on this front and the rest of 'us' is good enough to cope.
Does your dp want them to have everything they want - no questions asked?
What was his childhood like? spoilt? deprived? Worth finding out where his views come from.

Happily married in no way means perfect!

We have huge blazing rows about once every year/18 months. The rest of the time we might snipe and snap at each other, but it will be over and done with and forgotten quite quickly.

Our big blazing row is often about the same issues - which are sometimes addressed - often it just reflects a huge build up of stress on either side, and also the fact that both dh and I hate confrontation so tend to avoid arguments wherever possible.

Usually large amounts of alcohol have been involved that can be a trigger - it seems such a good idea at the time to let that thought slip out and into words!

Don't know how it will pan out for you re your parenting issues, but I think it's healthy to be able to argue - and parenting issues are very important so more likely to provoke different points of view that have to be discussed. As they are also likely to be things that you feel strongly about, arguments are more likely. It doesn't mean that you won't be happily married. However, you do need to be able to resolve them in some way, especially if it's about bringing up your children.

It's normal to argue, and you can be happily married and argue.

We aren't married but our arguments are often started by something fairly inconsequential but are usually on the same kind of subject. Mainly money (lack of it and what it is being spent on), the usual who works harder / is more tired, and DP thinking I am trying to dictate what he can and can't do.

Our relationship is not perfect but to be honest i think whoever I was with (or he was) these are just issue's which come up in relationships, none of our fights are ever serious and are often resolved fairly quickly, but I wouldn't say we laugh about them later either.

I do not expect us to always have the same views on everything but we often manage to meet a compromise or a truce at least and just get on with things.

DH and I are staring down the barrel of 10 yrs of marriage (still babies !!) and we still argue about little things (his bad habits/ my quirks!!) and big things in equal measure...

At least you guys are talking about the important stuff and although you won't agree it won't be a bolt out of the blue when you finally do marry ...

We row less now than we used to. What I've learnt from my marriage, is when it's NOT worth having a row - you know what the other person feels and thinks and it isn't worth going there as they won't change their mind IYSWIM.

We aren't married but hardly ever row. When we do it's more like whinging about little things tbh, and lasts about 5 minutes, then whoever was beign a twit apologises and it's better.

Real huge rows are very rare and we don't seem to have anything particular they are about.

I have been in a previous relationship where all we did was argue, really awful screaming shouting arguments and always about the same thing, so I think it depends how big that thing is.

If it's something small that just comes from living with someone else then fine, it can be gotten over, but if it's really big and something you'll never agree on then I think there comes a time you know it just won't work.

Oh, also meant to add, because of my previous relationship I always wanted to be able to speak to the person I ended up with before it got to the row stage, and we are both pretty good at the whole 'This has upset me and made me fell this way' talk. Listening to how each other feels is a huge part of stopping rows.

TBH we don't row often, and if we do, it's about the same one thing. It's sometimes disguised as another issue, but that One Thing is always the real cause. problem is that we can't fix that thing. (won't bore you with the details).

and the rows aren't that explosive, as DH doesn't do shouting. we're fairly good at not carping over the little stuff, and see eye to eye on most Big Stuff.

We just bicker about small silly things if one or both of us is in a ranty mood. We don't have massive rows because we have the same philosophy towards life and mainly the same opinions (on the biggies, anyway). If didn't we wouldn't be together, I suppose.

Waynettaslob we already have 2 dd's so a bit late to discuss before they came along I had dd1 before i met dp so we've always had at least one child to consider.

I think it just upset me because we havent argued for ages, we've been getting on really well and he had been saying he was planning to propose and I was excited etc

I hate arguing, he flies off the handle (usually misunderstanding what i've said), he doesn't listen when I try to explain and just fires insults at me until eventualy he goes off to sulk then I'll find him for a chat i'll apologise even though i've done nothihng wrong it's only because he's misheard/ misunderstood me and we make up and we're ok but I still feel really hurt that he has insulted me. I guess it's fairly normal and as it only happens once in a blue moon I should just be glad it's not more often and that we do actually make up!

My dh and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5. Our arguments, though rare, brew quietly in my head for weeks before they mature into the proper thing. This weekend we had a stinker row and now I feel really guilty. This is the typical cycle. I start it, then feel so bad afterwards that I go to ridiculous lengths to show that I'm really 'fine' about the issue. It's pointless really, but I really hate arguments with people I love. The question I'm asking myself now though is, why upset everyone when it won't change a thing? Sometimes it's just got to come out, but I think arguing can often be about being generally under appreciated, rather than the apparent issue at hand. A bit of a bust up is a general wake-up call for us both to make a bit more of an effort with each other.

DH and I rarely argue. But if we do it is usually due to stress. If DH is very pressured at work, or I have PMT, we will bicker about what we are doing at that very moment (yesterday I got my period and shouted at hime for trying to pack too many activities into our day - that is our typical fight). I sometimes shout but DH isn't really a shouty type.

We have never had a prolonged fight and never, ever gone to sleep annoyed with each other.

We do agree on most things and we're both hard working, we both let the other do things they enjoy and take turns with lie in, have a lot in common, I love how great he is at being a dad and vice versa etc I just don't agree with his parents buying things for dd1 for no reason all the time but i'm not allowed to say that it's making our dd1 spoilt because then I'm an ungrateful selfish bitch who wants her kids to go without don't really see how we can agree on this?
I know saying anything about his family isn't very nice and i'm not saying they are bad people or anything infact I really like them and they're very kind and generous and really helpful most of the time just sometimes they go ott (like birthdays and xmas they always spend twice the amount we can then my effort and scraping to get her stuff means nothing to her then of course that hurts me, when dd1 asks for things (not for birthdays or xmas) we cant afford if i say no she says granny will get it for me and usually she does) dd1 now expects to get thngs she wants for no reason and i don't agree with that.

Been married for 20 yrs,we row a LOT less now than earlier in our marriage.
I took a while to adjust to being a mum at home which probably was the cause of most of the arguments.
My dh switched off if I get really heated about something,he listens and responds much more favourably if I plan a discussion with him.That souns patronising but it works for us.

If this is the only real thorny issue between you and your DP, and he is the kind of man you can otherwise talk to, I think you need to have a proper discussion about this.

Don't wait until an opportunity for a row arises (e.g When PIL have bought dd a present), but pick a time when you are both in a rational mood and tell him your reasons why you are unhappy about this.

FWIW, I think there can be compromise here. You could say you are happy for the grandparents to give extravagent birthday and christmas presents, as long as they don't buy her other things without your agreement first. Tell them if they want to buy her small treats like a magazine or something thats fine. Or if they feel they have to give, maybe set up an account for her and they can deposit money in it.

I agree it's not a good thing for your daughter to learn to expect material possessions whenever she wants them, and for your ILs to give it just because you can't afford it.

Just wanted to say, me and dp are happily UN-married. And have been for 14 years.

meemar - it was because dd1 broke her pushchair while we were out at the park and she said could we buy her a new one (she has got a few other's so i said no) she said it's ok xxx will buy me one and i made a throw away comment which he took badly and then the row started in an instant, whenever I try to talk to him about it he says im ungrateful and they should be allowed to do what they want.

Perhaps I should let it lie, perhaps I am selfish wanting my children to appreciate what I can give them.

No you aren't selfish. It is important that children learn to appreciate what is given to them.

If she already knows that granny/grandad will give her what she wants if you say no then it undermines you as a parent, and she doesnt learn the value of anything.

If she already has other pushchairs I think you are right to say that you won't buy another one. Young children move on from things quickly and she will have forgotten about the pushchair soon. But if she gets a shiny new one, you are just reinforcing the fact that she can have what she wants whenever she wants.

I must sound like a real scrooge . I'm not really! I do buy things for my boys, and sometimes for no special occasion (they are age 4 and 2). But they do know that they are treats and they appreciate things more when they don't just get 'tuff' all the time.

I think its fairly healthy to disagree sometimes in a marriage! Arguing your point can sometimes make you realise just WHY you feel so strongly about something, but often other issues come out from your OH which can surprise you or give you some insight into WHY they feel the way they do.

My DH is pretty laid-back. Which can be a bad thing! He tends to go along with a "Whatever, babe!" attitude, and it's only when we start arguing about something that he tells me what he's actually thinking! I sometimes get annoyed with him because he is not a very emotive/ cuddly person, but he does get emotive and cuddly after/ during a row/ heated discussion! It can, I think, reinforce your feelings for one another, even though you have to realise your differences. And all couples will have differences! You can't think the same thing all the time, and if you think your point of view is valid, of course you will speak up.

We argue quite a bit, although usually make up and feel better for it, although it has been known to drag on, as we are both stubborn! I would keep going till its sorted, but DH often flounces off to bed, which drives me CRACKERS!!! (and he knows it!) We once had a major blow-out (our first big row!) over George Michael, and whether he concealed his sexual orientation!! And traditionally Christmas isn't Christmas without the Tree Arguement (I say real, he says artificial. He says small, I say big. We always end up with a real tree that I think is too small and he thinks is too big!)

We've had a similar arguement, BTW! DH doesn't want the kids to feel left out at school, so thinks they should get the latest trainers etc, whereas I think its ridiculous to spend that kind of money on kids trainers! He says I'll be sending them off in clogs that I've carved myself, with an iron hoop to play with!! They aren't at school yet, so we shall see....!! If your inlaws keep giving them stuff, could you maybe try to balance it by doing a periodic clear out and encouraging them to choose toys etc to give to disadvantaged kids/ charity, so they think more about how lucky they are etc etc??