If I’d hung on would it have got better?

[Fluff2376]

When I divorced my kids were 5 and 3. EH was emotionally abusive - silent treatment, stonewalling, blaming me, that sort of thing, and I had some support from Women’s Aid.

Ex was ok until we had kids. Now I look back and wonder if it was the pressure of young kids, both working etc, and although his behaviour wasn’t ok, maybe if I could have waited it out, it would have got better as the kids grew up and life got a bit less hectic.

I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I’m just feeling a bit lonely and wondering if maybe I made a mistake because it would have got better…

Any support in putting these regrets to bed would be really appreciated.

No. In my experience - my father was like this - the older the children get, the worse they get. If they can't deal with young children, there's no way on Earth they will be able to deal with teenagers.

The age of the children is immaterial, anyway. You said in your post he was okay until you had children. Sounds like he (like my father) just didn't like being a parent full stop.

You did your children a massive favour by ending it. My mother didn't, she always put her marriage first and my childhood was a misery because of it.

The da t he was even capable of treating someone he supposedly loved like this - tells me all I need to know about your husband op

No, it wouldn't have got better. The personality flaws that made him incapable of coping as a parent of young kids would also have made him incapable of coping with teenagers, incapable of supporting young adults trying to make their own path through the world, and a thoroughly unpleasant companion to share your twilight years with as both your abilities begin to decline as ill heath takes over. He wasn't a good life-companion. You are well-rid.

No, children are often the trigger for the mask to drop because women are then committed.

Silent treatment & blaming are defensive strategies, usually learned (or as now understood tend to have a genetic propensity) that are baked in to a personality. I found Ex got worse as children were older because there were no longer adoring of him.

The hardest thing about recovery from an abusive relationship is that it wasn't rationale or fixable. Their reactions to triggers that people usually cope with are not "normal". Ex went to counselling for over a year as on some level he knew his behaviours were not healthy but it did no good...in fact I think it made it worse, as the counsellor only heard his side so reinforced his victimhood. He pulled out of joint counselling because he didn't get the same level of victimhood when there were 2 sides to the story.

It is incredible sad when you have to end a relationship - especially with children - but living with levels of emotional abuse is emotionally and physically damaging. I stayed longer because I thought it should be fixable but it isn't. I still regret that the marriage ended as doesn't everyone want the happy ever after??

No, it would have got worse. Once he knew he had his feet under the table in spite of anything he did, why would he change?

https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I don't know if you've read this, but it can really help if your mind is unsettled over abusive behaviour.

I spent three years in counselling when I left my ex husband. Much of those three years was me going around in circles and driving myself crazy, trying to find answers to questions that were unanswerable. The day I 'turned the corner', so to speak, was when I realised that there were things I'd never know and that I just had to move on. No more 'what ifs', no more 'maybe I should have'. I had to learn to be at peace with my decision and, eventually, I was. My relationship was incredibly mentally abusive and it took several years for me to be able to think and act the way I was I had before I married. Don't tear yourself apart, OP - it's natural for you to be asking yourself these questions and, sometimes, there really are no answers.

It wouldn't have got better. It would have most definitely got worse.

The pressures of young children don't cause abuse, nor is it an excuse.

Literally, nobody on this site is going to tell you that you did the wrong thing to end it when you did. Will they ?.

No it wouldn't have got better. And even if it did, why would you want to be with someone who only treats you with kindness and respect when life is good and everything's going their way.

There would always be another stressor - older children / yound adults can bring much more stress than young ones. Work worries. Health. Parents with deteriorating health/dying. You should be able to rely on your OH to be your rock (and vice versa) when the going hets tough. Not to make life harder for you.

You did the right thing.

This, 100%. It wouldn't have got any better. You divorced at a time that allowed your kids to grow up in a household where you weren't being abused, and that was absolutely the correct decision.

Thanks for all the replies. I know you're right (deep down!) I just wobble every now and again. Just got to keep going!