Marriage counselling not working?

[perimenowife]

We've been having marriage counselling since April but things are feeling really awful - in some ways worse than ever.

There's too much to go into about all the reasons we need counselling and what has happened - husband had betrayed me previously not with affairs but with money and I am experiencing low sex-drive (well no sex-drive) probably due to peri, after DC plus many other contributing issues too.

My point is, we just can't seem to move forward. We argue every week even though we've "progressed" from shouting to just seething. We never used to argue until we had our DC. Prior to that we were great. We have both stated we love each other and want to make our marriage work, but it doesn't feel to be like he does. I am alone as he was my only shoulder / person I could open up to (no other family or close friends around).

I hope all the time we can pull through but it feels so hopeless the more time goes on. Husband is saying he's not sure counselling is working / worth continuing. The counsellor has challenged him a little bit on occasion and I wonder if he feels like it's too much hard work. One if my issues with him is that he just wants an easy life and can't deal with discomfort. Maybe this is another example? I can't face going through starting up with a new counsellor after all it took - (waiting list, initial consultation, individual sessions first, going over it all again with a new person).

I just want to progress but it feels like we never do. There is resentment between us which needs dispelling. I've repeatedly asked him to take some flexi time off work so that we can speak at length without DC present. Finally that's happening tomorrow morning, but now he's saying he's not keen on scheduling conversations and would rather just talk as and when he feels like it. I feel like we need to schedule otherwise it never happens or there's not enough space and time.

I am going through a lot with peri symptoms and other stuff. He avoids asking me about my well-being and when he does he doesn't want to hear the answers.

I'm rambling but I just don't know how to help us progress here. Did anyone have marriage counselling and how long did it take to help you - if it did?

Who suggested marriage counselling? Who arranged it?

You say your making progress....but what kind of progress?

He betrayed you with money issues... has he apologised and have your forgiven him? How have you moved on?

How is your sex life... has it restarted?

Are you getting medical treatment for perimenpause symptom?

Do you have any other friends you can discuss your symptoms with and get a better empathetic response?

Do you do anything together? Before kids.. what did you do together? How old are your children?

@GreenMeanMachine I think things just became so awful with constant rowing that it was the logical step. I believe I may have suggested it but he thought it was a good idea.

@Guavafish1 no I don't think we are making progress. We seem to be stuck or going backwards / in circles.

We've sort of moved on from the money betrayal in the sense that I don't feel angry about it each day and he was always remorseful, but resentments were there. On his part the lack of sex which stops and starts. I make an effort but then we argue and it goes back to square 1.

I have a GP appt booked but no treatment as yet. I have an individual therapist thank goodness but no-one else to talk to.

Preschool age. We used to enjoy travel, the arts, film, eating out etc, but then Covid and kids happened...

Has you had practical advice in your sessions? So not just rehashing/relearning communication (not shouting is great, seething not so much but still better maybe?) but also - spending time with each other? Enjoying each other? The best times for my DP and I are at beauty spots, with a thermos, holding hands…we can’t help but feel close. So can you work on that kind of thing together? Do you actually still like him? Can you tell us why, it may help remember?

OP I asked because I bet it was you and your husband went ok.

Your DH says he loves you. That’s easy to say. Actions speak louder then words, you say something you really thing will help (speak without kids) he goes along and then when it comes to the crunch starts saying “oh I don’t think it will work”.

What was the money betrayal? Getting into debt and not telling you? Spending savings? Taking loans out? I ask because I think it’s relevant. How much was it him doing what he wanted? The way you talk of a betrayal does not sound like he lost his job and you guys had financial pressures.

You say you were great covid and kids. How much was that because of you? How much was that because you organised things? You did things he enjoyed?

You say he doesn’t ask about your well-being. Did he before kids and covid? Did he actually do things which supported he cared about your well-being.

OP how much of this getting nowhere is because you want him to change and he says things but won’t actually change or take steps to try?

I am surprised your counsellor has let things go on for 5 months with no real progress.

My advice: stop couples counselling. Get some individual counselling and work out what you want.

I can relate to this. We did a few months and have paused, similar outcome to what you describe. I found I got more out of reading books (gottman etc) and just trying to do things that make us happy. Think the money would have been better put towards a holiday. I have enjoyed watching couples therapy series on tv recently though and probably got more insights out of watching that than out of arguing in front of a counsellor.

We do have individual therapy. My individual therapist offers me advice but the focus is on me. Regarding "us" there just always seems to be some grievance getting in the way of us being together. My sex drive has gone so that's a massive issue. I'm getting help but it will take time and may not actually help.