Who is Right - Controlling Relationship

[DontKnowWhatToDoHelpPlease]

Hi,
I'm really struggling here, in a relationship for nearly 20 years. 2 young children.
I don't want to give too much away but I need advice.
Partner won't let me have visitors to the house. Kids are not allowed friends round.
If I ever suggest it it results in a huge fight.
I said it's not fair on the kids or me and he said that it's not fair on him and he has a right to privacy.
He says that it's because the house is a mess and not finished - this is very true! He says that if a friend was to come over they would stop being our friend because of the state of our house.
However I still feel that I should be able to have friends round if I want and should a friend not like my house I wouldn't want them as a friend.
Renovating and cleaning a house is very hard when both partners work and you have children and won't/can't pay someone else to do the work but our house is honestly not that bad - not a health risk or anything! It's cleaner than many of my friend's houses.
When we first had babies I was told I had to visit friends and no-one should visit us. This made settling and socialising very hard for me and I struggled with undiagnosed post natal anxiety.
My friends all take it in turn to host drinks and snacks and I could never do it in return.

Whenever we argue he uses the fact that I 'fell' into my career against me, I love my job and have perfect hours for the children. I also don't get paid too badly but he refers to my wage as peanuts.
I don't feel that I can talk to him because he gets so angry whenever I bring anything up and makes everything my fault.
He says that I only do the bare minimum in the house and should do more. I feel that I do as much as I can - I'm aware that a lot of people do much more than I do but I'm at my personal capacity. I do all the cleaning, cooking and work 5 days a week part time.

I've always been really sociable, I love hosting and socialising.
He used to love socialising and have loads of friends but now only has 1 or 2 friends.
He says I go out all the time which isn't true.
I've recently stopped going out with friends to try to help the situation and I can't bare the arguments afterwards.

I love him so much and I want our relationship to work, sx is good and when we're chilling together with no outside pressures all is good. But this isn't the life I wanted. I wanted a house where my door is always open to family and close friends and we'd always have a spare bed made up for guests. He won't let me buy a spare bed. I absolutely accept that open door policy won't have but locked and bolted door policy just doesn't seem right to me.

I feel like we're moving further and further from each other's wants and needs and I don't know what to do about it.

I am absolutely aware that his behaviour is not ok but I just don't know what to do about it. I used to have guests over when he wasn't there so he didn't have to socialise as I thought that was the issue. . But the issue is having people in the house full stop, doesn't matter if he's home or not.

I also know I'm not perfect, I have a tendency to stonewall and go quiet but I can't stand the arguments and they are always the same. He calls me the C word during arguments as well.

You're asking the wrong question op.

The question shouldn't be about right and wrong.
It should be 'why can't we meet eachother in the middle?' 'Why is it always his way or the highway?' 'Don't my feelings matter in this relationship? To my partner? And if not, what does that say about him?'.

You say you do all the cooking and cleaning and he's still adking you to do more? Umm...it's not 1950, why do YOU think it's acceptable for him to ask that of you.

Love? Great, but what about having some love for yourself.

The friends issue may be the least of your problems.

You are already stopping going out in order to appease him.

That is what he wants.

He us controlling and abusive and wants you to...dull your shine..to make yourself small. .to drop your friends so you have no support system.

Op, you are in an abusive situation.
The question you need to ask yourself the most is tbh - how quickly and safely can I end this relationship?

And btw - you cannot change YOU to fix HIM. He is abusive. It is not your fault. Nothing you do will change this. Get off the merry go round of looking for new ways to appease him or 'try to make him understand' you.

He GETS you. He just doesn't care what you want. He wants you to think you are the one that's unreasonable. To constantly look inwards wondering if you are the problem. Don't be fooled. Get out of there.

Don't spend another second in his little trap.

You have kids and they do not deserve to grow up in a home seeing their mother abused. The only thing you can do to change it is to end the relationship and get away from him.

ideally, before he alienates you from all your friends and family.

Do you think he is trying to punish you for not 'keeping' a tidier house? Does he see this as your failing? Or is he genuinely embarrassed about it and can't bear the shame of people seeing it?

I had this with my wife it didn't start out like that, was highly social when we first met but as soon as we got married and our own house it all changed.

Never cleaned, the house was a dump and hoarded endlessly and it was on me to do all the cleaning without help. I would have to deep clean just to have people over or even to go to bed sometimes. This got worse when we had children, I was the sole earner, I raised our children from newborns and did all the finances, cleaning and cooking. I was a workhorse and I ended up extremely sick.

The whole while, no communication whatsoever just abuse, belittling, criticism, blame and I could never discuss anything without it turning into rage and silent treatment.

In the end, all those previous friends saw another side and distanced themselves or were cut off. Once that was done cut their own family off, then one by one my family and we were fully isolated. Fast forward to now, I was discarded because I stood up for myself and I too have been cut off, scapegoated and not allowed to see my children.

Be very, very wary of isolation do not let it happen because from my experience, that's when it goes south. There is nobody to call upon, you are trapped and they turn your head inside out with little effort.

So he won’t let you have anyone round and makes it awful if you go out.

So effectively he wants you to have no friends and no family. Just him. Who calls you a cunt.

What a lovely life you must have!

I am absolutely aware that his behaviour is not ok but I just don't know what to do about it.

He's not going to change. His behaviour is working for him. If he does appear to change it will be temporary just to get you back to where he wants you. I agree with everything @Pinkbonbon has said.

Your children are learning from you both that this is how relationships are. Ask me how I know that.

If there wasn't the problem of him not wanting anyone in your shared house, how would your relationship be? Still as bad, he'll find some other way to add to his list of how to control you.

This can't be fixed

He's isolating you. Eventually you'll never see any of your friends anymore and you'll have given up your job. Is that what you want?

Why do you want this relationship to work? A relationship where you can't even talk to your partner because he's always so angry. He isn't really angry btw. It's a trick to stop you raising issues in the relationship.

You're going to make yourself sick running round in circles trying to pacify him. But it will never be enough and it will always be your fault.

Please reconsider this relationship before you become a shell of yourself. It's so much harder to leave then.

This is a really good question and I'm genuinely not sure of the answer

Look up trauma bonding @DontKnowWhatToDoHelpPlease , does that resonate?

But is he ok if you take the DC and go out to someone's house, he should be ok with that as you are looking after the DC and giving him space. Very controlling if he stops you doing that.

He’s an abusive piece of shit and won’t change… there’s no dilemma unfortunately, just a case of you ever being ready to separate.

You say you love him so much - why?

You can't change his behaviour. This is who he is. All you can do is walk away, with the kids. They deserve a home where they can have friends round and relax, surely.

I'd dump him. He is isolating you and controlling you. It won't get better and you are already walking on eggshells to try and keep the peace for this arsehole. It won't work. Nothing will ever be good enough.

You can't love him. He's an arsehole. Perhaps you love who you would like him to be, but he isn't that person and never will be. If he ever was it was an act to draw you in and the mask has not just slipped now, but completely gone.

Thanks everyone, I guess I asked for advice but was hoping to hear something else :(
We have been together for so long it's just hard to imagine us not being together. We are so happy when things are good, but I guess that includes me doing what he wants me to do. Whenever I veer away from what I guess are his rules it's a nightmare.
I'm going to try to get some counselling and get my thoughts straight before I make any decisions.
Obviously to leave causes financial problems as well and I have no idea how I would cope. At the same time I know that that other separated parents manage so I'm sure I could. Also as we're not married I have no entitlement to savings and pensions etc. I don't know what we'd do with the house. It's just not as simple as packing up and leaving sadly.
He's a fantastic dad too. I know my post makes him sound like a monster and if he was like that all the time it would be much easier to leave but it's not as straight forward as that.

The number of times I thought about starting a thread when I was married @DontKnowWhatToDoHelpPlease but I knew that I would hear things I didn't want to hear. I understand .

The bit about it being good when it's good, that's the abuser's meanest trick. That's what hurt me the most once I realised what he'd been doing (as stupid as that sounds I didn't realise the extent of the abuse until I was away from him and had the headspace to see it, they keep your head filled with them and their behaviour for a reason).

I found Women's Aid to be a great support, I'd highly recommend them. They won't rush you to do anything you're not ready to but will be a great source of advice and information.

Of course it's never as easy as just packing up and leaving. We've all been there. I just want you to know that it's an option to leave. It's not easy, but there's always a way out. When and if you do make that decision, I'd encourage you to speak to Women's Aid. They'll be able to offer you practical support.

I have to say though that any man who treats his partner poorly is not a good father. He may be great with the kids, but a good father treats the mother with respect. He creates a happy, safe, and comfortable home environment for both mother and children.

if he was like that all the time it would be much easier to leave

This is precisely why he isn't like that all the time. No abuser is abusive all the time. It's called the cycle of abuse. They have to be wonderful sometimes to give their partners hope and a reason to stay. It's confusing and disorientating. It serves to make their partner think it might be their fault and if they could just behave the right way they'll unlock something in the relationship that means they can be happy. But it doesn't work. He'll always be mean again no matter how well you behave.

Do you think he knows what he's doing and does it on purpose?
Like purposefully manipulative?

I've given that a lot of thought. I now realise what a good liar and actor my ex was, it all seemed so natural, far too quick to be deliberate, surely he would have had to have taken time to work that out. No, it was all deliberate. My rape crisis counsellor said it's always deliberate. She'd had a lot of experience.

Reading back your OP, yes, it really does sound text book abuser behaviour. The fact that you have the same results every time, the fact that it's always you who is having to give up your wants and needs. Yes, he knows what he's doing, he wants his own way and will do whatever it takes to get it.

Yes, he does it on purpose.

It can be hard to believe because sometimes, especially when they're angry, they can seem so out of control. It's something they rely on to alleviate blame, but they're much more in control than they seem. I mentioned upthread that he isn't really angry. I know it's hard to believe, but he uses anger as a tool to get what he wants.

I'd encourage you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, as it answers this question.

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The thing is op, he's actually a terrible father. Because he abuses his children's mother.

A father is supposed to be a role model. He's teaching your kids it's OK to bully women. It's disgusting.

This is not what relationships look like. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this shit is normal and we should just stay and take it.

Leaving is never easy or simple. But it is right.

That's how abusers operate! If he was horrible all the time you would just leave him! 😕

Don't do what I did. My ex was also a mean drunk. I didn't leave him until my dd was 13. She now has ptsd.
I'll never forgive myself 😐

God, he sounds like an absolutely horrible man. Isolating you from friends and family. He is essentially keeping you a prisoner in your own home. I'd be thinking long and hard about this relationship.

Yes he does and does it often.

Goodluck lovely.

I've emailed Women's Aid and asked if they can contact me for some support and advice. I feel like maybe I'm being over dramatic and I can't decide if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill as they say.