Oh no not another MIL rant!!!!!!

[Smashingpumpkin]

Having real problems at the moment and just want to vent abit really, if I talk about it with family I feel like a bit of a stirrer, also wouldn't want to upset dp who is always stuck in the middle. Anyway background on mother inlaw, basically she is a very upfront, harsh, speak your mind kind of person. She is also the kind of person you do everything you can not to offend, in all honesty i find her very intimidating, as do my dp and sil who never confront her.

She asked if she could come round on Friday and for the first time ever my dp told her it wasn't really convenient (always comes at teatime) as he was going out. My mil said she would come anyway, and my dp ended up apologising for saying it wasn't okay. Anyway teatime came and went and she didn't show, we had video all set up to show her kids nativity which they were excited about. Anyway a few tears from kids and arguement between me and dp later, he gives her a ring and she says she didn't come round as she didn't want to get under our feet. Fine, but why didn't she call to let us know she wasn't coming?? We have never refused her visiting before and see her and fil about twice a week, always at tea time despite the inconvenience. Following day mil phones and dd picks up phone, dd asks her if she wants to speak to mummy and daddy to which she replied that she didn't want to speak to the grown ups. I have been really upset about this as I think that sometimes its okay to say someone can't come round.

Anyway she phoned yesterday and left an abrupt message on the answer phone, I felt quite sick but phoned her back and basically asked her what the problem was as I felt quite offended by her actions. She basically told me I was being bloody stupid, there was no problem, and that I had really offended her for thinking that badly of her. I know it sounds awful but I just can't feel that bad, of course I don't want any bad feeling, but this is the mil who told me that losing weight made me a nicer person. She has offended me so many times and I have never responded, she prides herself in her honesty, yet when I am honest that she has upset me all hell breaks loose.

I do feel awful, I hate bad feeling but I really can't apologise. Should I jst swallow my pride?? Help please xx

You poor thing. OK, I don't know her, but she does sound like a certain type of person of whom the bottom line is: you can't win, or even get to a draw, ever. Someone like that doesn't see life the way you (and all reasonable nice people) do, as a joint enterprise where compromises are made and if-someone-puts-themselves-out-for-you-then-you-do-the-same-for-them. She's a bully and such a successful one that no-one who ever had a chance of affecting her (ie, her own family) now challenges her. (The pretending there was no problem is classic bullying.)

If you can, the best way of dealing with someone like this is not to take it personally - think of it as a problem she has and will always have, whether or not you are there. Bullies enjoy victims - you can't change her, but you can choose not to be her victim. On the immediate issue, no, don't apologise. I'd say don't even mention it again, and if she brings it up use her own bluffing tactic: say "you know, I can't actually remember now what all that was about - so, when would you like to see the children next?"

Someone in the context of a difficult school meeting gave some good advice recently: count to ten before you answer anything. I expect that would throw her a bit, since I expect she's used to her victims jumping desperately and immediately to the defensive.

Thanks Binkie for taking the time to read and post!!Although you don't know my mil you have described her to a tee!! I would definately say she is a bully, my fil is a wreck and my dp's childhood was full of arguements and her getting drunk and smashing things. Yet we always get the feel sorry for me act, which I normally sympathetically listen to. I guess my problem is that my patience and trying to get along attitude is wearing a bit thin. I really can't stand conflict, and I will definately try and act like nothings happened I'm sure she will try and make me feel as bad as possible though. I suppose the main thing is that no-one stands up to her and my doing so has probably shocked her abit, it shocked me to be honest, I really though I was going to be sick. once again thanks for responding its nice to know I'm not going mad, which the frustration born of it all makes me feel like I am !! xxxx

I haven't got anything to add smashingpumpkin but just wanted to let you know I really feel for you.
Why are families such hard work???

Thanks Blossomgoodwill xx I think essentially families are hard work because we love them, and can't blow them out in the same way we would if someone else upset us !!

My MIL rang my mother up recently and told her she thought that my ds should be 'dry' by now - ie potty trained. I was extrememly offended and annoyed - firstly because she should address any comment directly to me, and secondly that it is none of her business anyway. DS is not ready for potty training yet! Grrrr

Smashingpumpkin (love your name ), my friend's MIL is very similar to this and she has had one hell of a time over the years. But the thing that's really helped her is being proactive rather than reactive e.g. rather than waiting for MIL to visit at an inconvenient time, invite her over at a good time for you (you can even add that "6.00 is so much easier for us" or whatever). You can do this with a big welcoming smile on your face because you have control rather than her.

Smashingpumkin, nothing to add except to say that you have my sympathies. You sound like a lovely person (and extrememly tolerant also), she sounds like a nightmare. Why do people use 'being honest' or 'calling a spade a spade' an excuse for being bloody rude, they talk about their frankness as if it is something to be proud of, yet they completely lack any ability to see how others see them. OOOOh, it's really touched a nerve with me as you can tell. Merry Christmas!

SP - your MIL sounds like quite a piece of work...

I hate nothing more than people who 'pride' themselves of 'calling a spade a spade' but can't take it themselves.

Don't mind the ones that dish out and take though like e.g. dh

I'm amazed that you tolerate her behaviour but re your question at hand... DON't apologise... you didn't do anything wrong!