ive been with my partner for 17 years and it’s always been a good relationship in all avenues. My partner started a new job and after a few months felt something was amiss text messages through the day slowed down and no phone calls on dinner breaks. I felt something was a miss and said this to him. He explained it was abit hard at his new job not wanting to be on his phone a lot and was hard with the new systems and learning new stuff, couple more months later still felt something was a miss, I looked at his work phone after figuring the passcode and found he’d been messaging a female coworker a lot nothing sexual a couple of flirty messages and they’ve been too shop for lunch together to take back to the office, I confronted him with this and he said he didn’t say anything as he didn’t want any conflict as he knew my friend was coming round to see me and her and her partner were having infidelity issues and she was always conplaining that her boyfriend was being inappropriate with female coworker and I agreed with her that their relationship was inappropriate and male and female coworkers don’t need to be close friends they goto work Togo work not make new besties. So he said he didn’t want to say he’d made a friend that was a girl cos I would kick off and he didn’t want us arguing and splitting up over this as he wasn’t doing anything bad.but felt like we would end up like my friend and her partner because I agreed with her. I feel hurt that he hid this from me, I told him if you thought I didn’t like it then surely would be best not to have this friendship then carry on being friends and hide it from me his wife. He agreed and is sorry he said she helped him out with the systems and that there’s nothing more but I can’t seem too let it go. One of the messages we’re from him “ you love me really 😘 “ and she replied you wished 😆, this is because he’d made her a tea and out something in it and she called him a twat, it’s always about the dog or other random crap never bout work nothing about the way she looks, if he had told me I wouldn’t have been angry people work together and become friends but not besties, and he was giving her attention whilst at work messaging on work platforms and not putting that time into me, no contact out of work hours into our time, I feel sometimes I’ve over reacted and others that there was more going off then he’s saying, there was a work night out too that he went to pick her up to go out and didn’t tell until I was asking questions and he told me, he drove to collect her from her house and then on the way home her partner picked them up and dropped him home. But I only found out when I questioned him,before u found out about this they did stop contacting each other for about 6 weeks then after 6 weeks she started too message him again so let about work no other talks like they did before which I find strange. He said she moved offices into the building at the side so didn’t need to message anymore. I feel like I’m going crazy questioning everything he’s been so understanding of the way I feel and says he never seen it as flirting but understands it looks that way but he was being friendly and never seen it that way. He said he will think about how things can be perceived in the future. He is the most nicest Man you will meet never hurts anyone, never speaks bad about anybody and always helping everyone he can, he’s so loyal and trust worthy and everyone says the same he’s a man you can count on and depend on. He’s hardworking and so caring of everyone. Which is why I’m struggling to separate my feelings of hurt and feeling like I’ve been betrayed. Was he just scared of me kicking off and it’s innocent or is there more too it. It’s really against his beliefs he’s been fetched up by alot of woman so he’s all about treating women right, I’m just stuck wether this friendship is more then friendship, the said woman used to slate her partner to him and he used to try stick up for him and say it was her that was the problem. Wen he left the company of his own choices as the company went downhill which I knew there were problems there she asked him why he didn’t tell her and in same conversation was slagging her partner off again which again he said she was the problem it makes me feel uneasy as too why she thought she had a right too know.
sorry for the long post I just want some outside advice on wether I’m overthinking it all. He knows he was wrong to hide this but I do know he doesn’t like fighting and arguing he doesn’t like confrontation he just likes everyone to be happy and smiley all the time. He’s not a controlling partner in any aspect either.