Am I being paranoid? Or should I be more trusting?

[Robrob2424]

So my gf and myself recently moved to a new location, we started fresh and she has made friends with my cousin and made some new friends at work.

She really wants to make some more friends and I was supportive however...since being here.

She joined a few Facebook friend groups and things and didn't tell me about it at all.

We were out and she got a message on here phone from some guy with a random name I never heard of. She has been speaking to the guy for a week knew a lot of things about him, he was being overly nice complimenting her looks, name etc. My gf doesn't pick up on subtle queues and I was like who is that then as I saw the message. She was like oh I'm sorry I forgot to say I joined a Facebook group for friends. This is blah blah blah, I said I like his name as its from where I'm from. I was kind of upset that she hadn't mentioned anything...short while later she stopped speaking as he became even more flirty.

A little while later she received another message from a guy, who was being flirty and I saw another message...she told me the same thing again. The guy said something along the lines of its fine even if you have a bf, I don't mind I have lots of friends with bfs and they don't get in the way for more. She stopped speaking. She said she will tell me next time she starts speaking to a new friend

I was in the kitchen the other day and she had a message pop up on her phone while it was charging and I was making a coffee, she has her lockscreen locked but shows notifications. Someone popped up saying are you still up for that coffee in a few days x will be great to meet you.

Once again we spoke about it...same story, but I've gotten to the point where i seem to be left out the loop and I'm finding it hard to trust her. Am I overreacting and should trust her?? Or am I valid being in being a bit wary?

She’s what is known as affair ready. Sorry. I wouldn’t tolerate it.

It sounds like she's ignoring any men that turn a bit seedy? How old are you? Past early 20s people in relationships don't generally go out looking for new 'just friends' of the opposite sex, although they might make new friends theohhh hobbies or work.

If you're in early 20s then shes allowed to make new friends in her new area but you should both have some ground rules about meeting new people of the opposite sex, eg only do it together as a couple etc

From what you describe, it doesn't necessarily sound like she is up to no good, but it does sound like she is perhaps quite naive and struggling to read social situations.

I am a member of plenty of groups on social media that my husband has no idea about. I chat with people on there (related to a niche and common interest, not like randoms). I'm even booked to go away to a retreat with them next summer. Dh has no idea I'm even going away (obviously he will know before I go as he'll need to be home with the kids), but what I mean I don't ask his permission to do these things.

But I absolutely do not give off the 'I want to meet random men for coffee' vibe and I certainly wouldn't be meeting some random guy from the internet alone, partner or no partner. It sounds like perhaps your partner is a bit lonely or struggling with social situations and looking to reach out and meet people, but is being a bit naive about it. Because this really isn't the way to meet quality people. I wouldn't be concerned that she is looking to cheat on you, but it does sound like she could be taken advantage of by someone if she isn't careful, because she's not seeing red flags where she should be.

Could you talk to her about this from a safety or even identity theft perspective (especially if she is giving away a lot of personal details to these people)? Could you encourage her to meet people in other ways? A Facebook group for making new friends sounds like a predators haven. There is a woman in our local village group always trying to get people to join some Facebook group she is apart of for 'making new friends' and I've looked at it and it seems super dodgy.

You are right it's a bit nieve...but just as I was talking to her about this...she had it in the past where people she used to hookup with messaged her....

About 1 hour ago, after speaking about this with her and about telling me she is lonely so looking for friends when I'm not around.... she ended up getting a message from an unknown number and it just so happens to be a coincidence that it was someone she used to hookup with like over a year ago, he said it was shyam...you know who I am. She was like it's just coincidence he has decided to message now...I had him blocked on WhatsApp and its been a long while...not great timing....

She told me in the past she was going to change her number to stop this from happening and hasn't....and it's hard to believe it is a coincidence even if it was right now during everything else going on...I really don't trust her at the moment

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting now...

Well she's ditched them every time they got inappropriate so I don't think that she's untrustworthy.

But I do think she is naive. Also its not appropriate to meet men when she's in a relationship (It would be different if they were old friends or if she was going to a group meetup).

Ask her why she thinks it's appropriate? And would she be cool with you messaging random women and going out with them? It's not ok.

Yep I'll have to...its escalated since then though...in the last hour we were sat in bed and someone she used to hook up with or that's what she told me messaged her from a random number saying hello...I was like that's weird. He then replied its shyam you know who I am, she went I can't remember who this is, possibly someone I hooked up with in the past and things...but it's weird he decided to message now of all times...when she is lonely...looking for friends..and he seemed to act like she should know exactly who he is...

Things like this happened a ton of times in the past...she said she would change her number and never did...its what I guess is making it harder to trust

How many new friends does she need?

Surely 3 or 4 people is fine.

it sounds like you are keeping tabs on her and observing her every move.

You either trust her or you do not, but you do not own her, what she does or who she speaks with is totally up to her, and if she lacks respect for you then its down to you to leave that relationship.

It just sounds a little like you are really trying to grab her doing some seedy stuff behind your back so you have something on her.

Tell her how this is making you feel, be honest with yourself as well, you do not own her. If she cheats than that is on her, and nothing you do will change that. yes it will hurt but you have a choice in life if this is what she is planning to do which I doubt.

But its totally on you if you try and control what she does, to me it sounds like she has joined a group on facebook, and lets be honest, lots of men on there who are utterly revolting chance grabbing morons, looking for like minded morons to shag. She sounds like she is weeding them out though. She has told you she is feeling lonely so only doing what most of us would do, join a FB group in the hope of finding great likeminded people. Which is hard. Really effing hard these days.

Maybe you can help her find something she is really interested in?

Sounds like quite the player maybe ? With X cover stories to placate you ? @Robrob2424

For me, always the line, "trust no-one Mr Mulder"

I’m wondering if she might be on the spectrum or neurodiverse?

The reason i ask is because i have struggled with exactly these sorts of scenarios and struggle to read social cues, a bit naive about people’s intentions etc…i am always genuinely looking for friends and i have previously had experiences of men being friendly and then it turning seedy, but i’ve not picked up on anything before and always believe the best in people’s intentions.

When i’ve told other female friends they’ve told me clearly these people are not interested in being your friend. Which is sad but i’m now more aware and cautious. Maybe it’s just something she needs to learn about?

I’m early 30s and a female friend had to literally sit me down only recently, and explain everything as i’d got myself into another situation (i’m also in a new city and wanting to make friends). now she has explained i’m more aware about what impression i give people and also boundaries. I had zero intention to lie or cheat to my partner about anything. Just very naive and wanting friends.