Living seperately but stay in relationship

[CouldThereBeYes]

Together for 12 years, lovely dc, but the living together part is breaking us up.
We realize now that we just did what was expected, if there is a child on the way, you move in together. But for us it turns out it is not working out, and ever since we openly discussed this (last week) we are so happy and loving again. It might be because we have been living on our own for lots of years before meeting. I can imagine if we did not really know any better and always lived with someone else, it might be different?
There is adhd and well functioning autism in play, which are also quite challenging to combine.
Has anyone done this and do you have good advice for us on how to handle this?
We could be neighbours or living on walking distance of each other. We are very keen on proceeding with this.
And if I think back I would have also loved it if my parents had done so. Instead of putting up with eachothers annoying habits and trying to get every nose in the same direction, you would have your own space again. No marks in the toilet, no loud music, F1, dishes everywhere, socks talking back to you from under the bed, as they're so old they've learned your language.
Instead keep your house the way you want to. Sleep how you want to. Nobody snoring that you can hear. Visiting and shaving your legs again for this. Looking forward to both time together and your own time. All happy doodles. Or not?

If you can afford to run two homes I see no downside here, sounds like a great solution and a pragmatic and loving decision for your family.

It helps to hear (read) someone outside our home saying this. Thank you kindly.

It can work, but as you have children together there’s a crucial need for you both to be able to create two equal homes - which the DC see as their equal homes - and to be entirely on the same page with your approaches and commitment to parenting. Otherwise, there’s every likelihood that the situation you’ll end up with is one where one of you lives like a free and easy single person who has the kids to visit occasionally and the other takes on all the parenting shitwork and is effectively a lone parent with a Disney NRP. Assuming you’re the one who’s fed up with messiness and untidiness in the house and what sounds like general laziness, how confident are you that your partner would actually step up and take on their fair share with all the organising and drudgery that comes with managing kids once they no longer have you in their ear at home nagging them over it?

How old are the DC? Are they going to be capable of understanding that mum and dad are together and love each other but have chosen to live separately because it suits them? Or, if their only experience of parents loving separately is that of their friends with divorced parents, are they going to assume that you’ve actually just split up?

I honestly think the biggest risk of this is that the dad uses his home as a way to completely step away from proper co-parenting and the massive mental load. Even if you didn't intend it, I reckon it would end up being a side step to splitting because of your resentment over that.

Could you move to a property that has distinct areas for you and for him? So living together (which might be easier to co-parent) but you both have your own space? I appreciate this could be financially prohibitive but running two houses is obviously not a cheap options either...

I see other posters point about the mental and domestic load but if you have to remind, nag or ask another adult who is living in proximity to do some of the domestic labour in a shared home then then you're just carrying the additional burden of managing their domestic workload. If he lives elsewhere his mess is his, his children's mess is his and the responsibility for meeting their needs while they are in his care is his, as are the consequences for doing this poorly.

I often hear that divorced and separated female parents experience more freedom and less domestic labour, because so much of that work is invisible and in a shared space women are socialised and expected to take it on. In separate households it's visible, if he doesn't fold the laundry is piles up, if he doesn't meal plan and grocery shop there isn't food, if he doesn't plan kids schedule they miss things and complain.

I'm living exactly that! Been with my partner for 12 years. We have two kids together 6&9. In 2019 we separated and he moved out into a flat in the town. Saw the kids regular it was an amicable split we'd both lived on our own for a long time before we met and for the first few years things were ok but once we had kids and I had pnd and he was working long hours we started to fight alot and it would get quite vicious. I yearned to sleep alone and I spent alot of time sleeping on the sofa I hated living with someone. Anyway we got back together last year but both decided to stay as we were. He's moved since and lives 5 miles away from me. We see each other everyday but it's so nice to go to bed alone and not have to think about what he wants for dinner etc. I've decorated the house how I want it without the input from him. It's the best and I recommend it it's the best.

I agree. Unless completely in agreement on what WON'T happen CAN'T happen. I think im cynical but also a realist..it would be ideal for a lot of guys dads to have their own place whilst mum does all the childcare etc...i dont like it but understand it can work if right rules are adhered to. There'd be that many rules tbh id think just live together, id get resentful real fast if he didnt pull his weight either way.

Where would the kids stuff go, surely one home (probably yours) would end up being their main "base"? Would you not end up being effectively a single parent while he has a bachelor pad...

^ this