Relationships mid 40s - navigating “baggage”

[BetteDavisEyes11]

So… I guess there are lots of us on here who have started relationships mid 40s after previous marriage / relationship breakdowns.

I feel it’s a lot harder than starting relationships younger because both parties already have bad previous experiences and sometimes tainted views because of it. Or “I’m never doing that again” moments leading to impossible boundaries.

How do you navigate this?

If anything, after a failed long term relationship, and the wisdom of years, you should know what you want and your boundaries much better.

But you still have to have some courage and not run away at the first sign of something not going well. Know where the hard lines are, be open, have patience, but not too much of it. And also have the courage to walk away.

I think the hardest part is the dating pool is so much smaller, and logistics of children etc is hard.

So I guess my issue is I know what my boundaries are but I also get concerned that I let people walk all over them to try and keep the peace or because I don’t want to be too rigid and appreciate there needs to be compromise.

And it seems like I am a bit of a runner when issues happen, but then always the one trying to resolve things too.

I’ve had two very long relationships, no dating apart from that until now, so maybe my experience or lack of is the problem.

I agree regarding logistics etc and childcare, definitely complicates matters.

Been thinking about your post. Is it you or the person that’s trying to date that has the boundaries/ walls up?

i remember one of our first dates with DH. We were both about 2 years out of 12-year-long relationships. I remember saying quite decisively ‘weddings are stupid, I’m never getting married and never having kids’. He wholeheartedly agreed instantly, and then we went on to say how many people have unrealistic aspirations. Other similar things were said over that first year or so. I think if both people have some baggage it can help understand the other better.

Over time some of these walls came down for both of us, quicker for me than for him. We started the relationship from a place of fear and worrying about what could go wrong, whereas over time we realised while you still have to be careful with kids lives etc and protect yourself a little bit, focusing on the positives in a relationship with someone helps it flourish.

I like when he disagrees with me or puts his boundary down in some things, cos we both got lost in earlier relationships. In this one we are more mature snd know that compromising on some things would make us unhappy further down the line. But we also let other things slide that are trivial, that our younger selves would have probably gone to war for. And we have more empathy for one another as to why we think in a particular way, and aren’t so quick to judge.

So pros and cons. Younger people also have baggage from childhood, can be very rigid on some things and accept far too much unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. I’d say my younger self was harder to be in a relationship with than my current self, and probably same for him.

But yes logistics can be very tough with kids.

Im not in my 40s, but my husband is, and when we started dating I was in the process of divorcing my ex. Heavy baggage on both sides.

From my personal experience - having boundaries based on "im not doing that again" because of something that happened in a previous relationship does not work as an universal rule.

a lot of it is working things out as we go along - sure, previous experiences cast a long and sometimes unpleasant shadow, but both parties have to be very conscious that this is a new relationship and an entirely different person.

Personally, I also found that little of what I learned from my previous long-term relationship is applicable, so I may as well forget it. The only useful things are ones that I've learned about myself.

I think most people would say in principle they have boundaries. Its not that they don't exist, it's that when one is hit, some are too willing to then compromise and let the boundary go. A boundary is different from a wall, if it seems a reasonable line to have before the relationship, when more objective about what you want, it's reasonable still to defend it in a relationship.
The issue is, once compromised, often having it re-tapped on or crossed again has less of an effect when it's happened before. I think maybe a way to counteract this can be a 3 strikes and you are out approach - that's without discussion.
If the boundary has been fully explained and its been agreed by the other not to cross it again, but it happens again, then it seems reasonable to duck out of the relationship. Compromise is giving one or 2 chances to get it right, any more is a bad pattern developing.
A wall feels more like taking as long as you need (perhaps longer that previous)to asses before jumping in with feelings, which is just wise, when experience shows how things can go wrong.