How do people do it?

[bumblethump]

Im newly single again, after 16 yr relationship and marriage. Early 50's with two young-ish children, early teens.
I've a great friendship group, some of whom have found themselves in a similar situation, albeit with older children leaving home. All seem to have almost immediately met a new partner.
Even before I had my own family and was slim and gorgeous I really struggled to meet anyone I clicked with at all and now? Well I've lost my figure and definitely not improved my skills in small talk!
Do I just accept that I'm not good at the whole couples game? I can't get my head around the way others seem to fall into partnership straight away.

Why do you need a partner ? Get yourself busy with exercise and friends.

I’ve thought about this a lot. Some people always did fall I to relationships easily.

if they are extroverts / want to be wanted / people pleasers or some combination then they will.

it’s not hard to have some man interested in you. And if what you want is to be wanted or to have the validation and status of being in a relationship then you say yes to the first person that asks and hey presto.

i want some that matches me and my feeling and that’s not so easy to come by.

I imagine your friends who have quickly and easily fallen into another partnership are simply unable to be single, and they've rushed into something with the first person they've met who's good enough.

This is much more likely than that they've all just been so lucky as to meet their soulmates so soon after their marriages have ended.

I think you should just enjoy being single for a while. Don't worry about meeting anyone. Just be completely selfish and focus on yourself. It's great! And if you do happen to meet someone, don't settle for good enough.

OP, enjoy just being you again

If i found myself single, there's no way i would want another man hanging round. At least not immediately

I know a few women who have separated and jumped straight in again. Head first. Committed and full on relationship

I think those women have probably not been single for much of their adult lives and don't know how to be alone

Just enjoy some freedom

I agree. Some people just can't be single.

I don't understand it tbh. Being single is my default. I'll only go out with someome if I know them first and i get out if i don't think it's right for me.

If I were newly single out of a 16 year relationship, the absolutely last thing I'd be thinking of is dating, relationships or meeting someone new!

IF you want to date and have fun would you maybe boost yourself up a bit first ?
just to build confidence
lose weight , start exercising , get your hair done

you’ll feel better , and will be more confident regardless

maybe don’t even date just flirt and feel good about yourself

I took time out to get comfortable with being in my own and really working out what I do and don’t want from the rest of my life.

I did put myself out to people I knew as acquaintances to meet up and several of those have developed into really good friendships. I think making an independent single life is virtual.

Ive got friends who jump from man to man without taking a breath. And telling me I’m too fussy but I’d rather be fussy than in the wrong relationship.

Thanks for the replies- I agree with it all and I'm perfectly independent and definitely don't need someone else to consider. I wonder if it's just the expectation most people seem to have that you must be looking for someone, or perhaps that I do sometimes miss the safety of the traditional family unit.

My ex started dating as soon as we left and within a few months met the person he has since gone on to marry.

I dated off and on. There were a couple of nice guys who were super keen to progress but I just didn’t fancy them enough, though on paper they ticked boxes. Mostly with dating the chemistry just wasn’t right and I was pretty busy being a single mom with a new career. Then after 2.5 years I met someone and everything clicked.

Definitely don’t settle.

also before I was dating everyone kept telling me to get on the apps. Then when I did and I had a few horror stories they’d tell me they stay single if they ever split. So don’t worry about opinions.

You've got standards and men these days aren't up to much.

Focus on yourself, be selfish.

Why do you see it as safe? It's nice to have someone to share concerns with and support - (but maybe because I have little faith in my man-picker), I'm happier running my own household than having someone who could drag me down with him 😂(And no matter what people say about having your own money etc, if you share a home, what happens to a live-in partner affects you). Marriage more so.

And when you blend families or add in a step-father figure, it's often not easy and not always great for the children. I had a really difficult relationship with my stepfather growing up, and as a young adult, and that's another reason I've never wanted a live-in partner while they were at home.

I do have a live-apart relationship, which works for me.

To be honest I gave no thought to what other people thought and in fact shared almost nothing with others about the split. People don’t really care. All that matters is what you think and what you want. When things have calmed down and you are a bit clearer about that, I bet things will fall into place - in my case, a lovely man came along (via OLD) who fits into the available parts of my life very well but who has no financial or domestic hold over me at all, and THAT is what I wanted!

Sounds perfect @Bowbobobo!

I think what I'm really asking is, how do people meet compatible people as I have only ever met two people in my whole life I've clicked with and they were also total wrong 'uns!

I don’t know the answer to that I’m afraid, sorry. I ‘click’ quite easily I guess, maybe because I don’t expect much so I’m not disappointed? As above, no man is ever going to be my be all and end all.

They say "Lower your expectations and make a man feel you need him" in my country.

I don't believe it.

That's certainly a way to quickly get into a shit relationship. 😁

Bumblethump, you do not have to have an hourglass figure to be attractive to the male of our species, a nice smile goes a long way in the attraction game, a little small talk can be huge to a shyer male, also eye contact is a winner 👀 👍👍

@bumblethump I have questioned this myself in the past. I genuinely don’t understand how some people jump from relationship to relationship. If I have truly loved someone it takes me ages to feel ready for another relationship. I don’t understand how some people can move on so quickly even if they are single, does that mean they can lose the feelings for their ex at the click of their fingers? I very rarely meet men I feel the click with and it’s always been that way. I reckon I could talk to 100 men and not fancy any. Whereas I know some people could talk to 100 men and fancy 90. I always wonder how so many people end up having affairs because if I’ve been single I’ve struggled to meet one person I want to be with, never mind two!

@bumblethump and then we get labelled “fussy”. 🤷‍♀️

@Shapemyeyebrows I couldn't put it better/ story of my life 😁