Any advice appreciated

[ChezTurquoise]

I’m in a bit of a weird situation where my husband behind closed door is totally different to how others see him. He’s very charming, interesting and has a great job where he’s well respected and liked.

At home he has definitely lost respect for me since we had our child. She’s now five but I was a stay at home mum for a few years and have given up my career for a more local job that fits in with school hours. He makes lots of comments about being the breadwinner but in a snide way. He travels a lot with work so me being at home initially has enabled his career to flourish.

He seems to give our child what she wants and will sometimes undermine me. He said things like stop being so defiant to me when I’ve disagreed with him. He doesn’t really take part in activities with us and is always having naps, although he does play with our daughter a lot.

What I’ve noticed recently is a pattern of going to the pub, staying out late and then mentioning or getting gushing messages from other women. I don’t think he actually cheats but what I’m wondering is whether this is considered a form of cheating or not. Last year he ended up in a club with a girl 20 years younger.

I’m worried about splitting up as he’s from a country without The Hague convention.
I feel quite alone with this because he is so different in public.

You're husband doesn't like or respect you.

He's also a dick.

I’m in a bit of a weird situation where my husband behind closed door is totally different to how others see him
that’s actually pretty standard behaviour from these types of men. It isnt unusual so dont feel people wouldnt believe you.

I’m worried about splitting up as he’s from a country without The Hague convention.
that would worry me too. Can you go back to your career?

Well what's the alternative? Staying with this bastard for the nexr 20 years? Raising a daughter thinking women should stay with men like him?

Take steps to get out.
You only have one life. Don't waste it pandering to an abuser. Don't make your child stay and watch their mother be reduced to a broken shell.
Get out and give her one safe space.

You say he has a great job, good, he's less likely to try to skip out of the country then. You can also I believe, say no to your child flying out of the country. Not sure on the process but I believe you can also get her on a no fly list or something. At least when she is old enough to have her own passport. Might be worth looking in to.

Also, make sure you know where his family stay if they are still abroad.

The other weird thing is that he seems to shower our daughter in so much affection that it sort of pushes me out. If she cuddles up to me he will work it so she goes to him and for a couple of years has preferred him. He’ll keep kissing her but turn his back to me and not include me if that makes sense.

The other thing I had meant to say is that he will often ignore me when I speak so that I have to repeat myself. If I complain he says I talk too much or that I’m annoying or tells me to stop talking. If he then forgets something important because he hasn’t listened he says it’s up to me to make sure I explain it’s important. Our daughter now ignores me a lot when I speak!

This is called the golden child vs scapegoat dynamic. If you had another child, it is possible that the two children would be played off against eachothet by him. One treated as if they can do no wrong and the other, the scapegoat, as if they can do nothing right. As there is only one child, you have been made his scapegoat.

The aim is to drive a wedge between you and your child AND to make you feel as if you may be the problem because he is lovely to her yet, horrible to you.

It is psychological warfare.

Being the golden child can also be greatly damaging for your daughter as she will live with thr constant fear that should she...fall out of favour, with him, ge may treat her as he treats you. It is also common for gold children to grow up into abusers themselves because they are raised being taught thry can do no wrong.

If you get out of there then at least he cannot treat you like shit infront of her. And you can show her that his words mean nothing to you, that you can be strong and independent irregardless of what he thinks.

Narcissistic triangulation is also relevant in your situation. This is simular to the golden child scapegoat dynamic - they play you off against other people ( or even places!) Eg; spending time with other women/exs/at work ect...was/is apparently far better than spending it with you. Again - an attempt ro make you feel unlovable or to blame for their shitey treatment of you.

Definitely he's abusive.

Get legal advice. You can put a stop on your child's passport. I knew women who did this from woman's aid support group. But you need to handle it correctly so get legal advice not us ransoms off the internet. (But we can tell you you should not have to live like this and he's abusing you)

Yeah, well him not having respect for you would be enough for me to call it quits.

He is not going to change that. He is not a good man nor a father treating you this way. And quite narrow sighted not seeing how you have enabled him to florish in his own career while you take a side step away from yours while you make way for your DD. What an ass

You're husband is not a nice man. Not here to solve anything, just letting you know. You need to understand he's not a nice man.

Thank you so much for the replies and advice, it is much appreciated. I will do a bit of reading about scapegoating and triangulation, it helps to know you’re not imagining it in these situations!