Toxic attention seeking behaviour

[Beansandneedles]

Hey all, seeking some advice on how I can behave better in my relationship.

I'm a married mum of two (age 4 and 2). I didn't want children. None of the women in my family are particularly good mothers and I didn't want to bring more children into the world with parents who resented them and had issues with anger management. However, by the time I realised I was pregnant with DS it was too late to turn back. To say I underestimated myself is an understatement. I mostly enjoy being a mum (which I didn't think possible...hence DD) and have worked every single day to try and be the mother I wish I had had. Life is tough, but rewarding (you really can't understand these cliches till you're in it can you?!). My instincts and first responses are not the best, so I'm trying really really hard to learn another way of being in a family, and being a parent. I rarely loose my temper these days, and have found a fun side to life I'm immensely proud of. Other than a few areas I'm still working on, I think I do a pretty great job.

My issue is, my spouse knows all the above. We've talked a lot about how he can support me (we have no family nearby, he is often away visiting elderly parents, on social trips or with work). Finances mean it makes more sense for me to stay home with the kids most of the week until they're in school so there's very little rest or respite. I've basically said I feel like I can do it all as long as I get regular acknowledgement of how far I've come. After we have a chat he's great for a few days, but it never lasts and I end up fishing for compliments or essentially taking out all my exhaustion and frustration on him. It feels ugly. Our house is more harmonious when he's not around because I have no option other than to crack on and want to do so happily as much as is humanly possible for the kids. When he comes home and my workload doesn't decrease at all but he's still going out for a run or organising to have friends over I feel the resentment bubbling. It causes a sulk, I get short with him, snappier with the kids. It's not pleasant and I don't want to be this way.

If I can be a better mum than I ever thought possible, then surely I can also somehow dig deep through this too and be able to be the person I want to be without constant praise and reassurance from a third party. Being cross with him for not telling me I'm doing a good job feels so warped, I want to be able to tell MYSELF I'm doing a good job and have that be enough. At the same time, I kind of worry that if I crack this bit then it might just be the end of my marriage as what value is he bringing? Seriously!

Anyone have any tips for how to manage this? It feels like there are a tonne of books for how to talk to kids and how to be a good mum, but none on how to not be a needy millennial.

Be gentle with me mumset, I am honestly trying to be my best self, and asking for help us usually a positive start!

Wow Beansandneedles I feel like I just read about my own life. I completely understand and feel you. I have two children age 3 and 7 months and I'm a stay at home mum. My husband works full time, takes overtime and is also on call some weeks so he works a lot. I'm also the daughter of a narcissist mother so have struggled with anger issues through my life.

Have you considered going to therapy for your anger? Have you sat down with your partner and communicated clearly and calmly what you need from him? He needs to understand that this is very important for you and to you and he needs to acknowledge and appreciate you not only for your relationship to thrive but for you to thrive as his partner and a mother.

Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you like to do or do you get a break from the children? X

Hey newmum2be94, thank you for your message. It's amazing how empowering it can be to be heard. I did have therapy after a bereavement last year which felt like the final piece of the puzzle I needed to start liking and standing up for myself. Unfortunately finances and schedules meant I couldn't keep it up. We struggled to pay for that plus the childcare whilst I was out with the increased cost of living. So have been largely self taught, which in its own way is empowering as it shows what I can achieve when I want to!

I will continue to have management chats with my partner, and hope that the penny will drop and stick. He constantly tells me he's doing his best, which then makes me feel unreasonable for asking for more. He's also constantly telling me to start a hobby, but with a similar work schedule to yours anything I start or arrange is usually secondary to his calendar, which becomes demotivating after a while. My eldest starts school next week, and I'm hoping to find a sports group on one of the days both of my children are out of the house one day which will hopefully provide me with a new social group and some exercise related endorphins!

Well done you surviving a narcissistic mother, it's an achievement. Here's to the women we have and can become!

Just to say @newmum2be94 IDK if you've seen the thread on narcissistic mothers. It resonates.

You're way off the mark OP

You've done a hard, adult, amazing thing, to work so hard to break the cycle of your own "generational trauma" and to be a loving fun and good mum.

I'm not surprised you want the person who is meant to and who has promised to, see, respect and love you; to see and be proud of your hard work and growth, of your parenting.

And what you're asking here, is how can you be your ONLY "cheerleader", how can you dig even deeper and find a way not to be affected by a DH who simply does not see or value you enough.

The plain reality is, after learning self-love and self-respect as you have, the next inevitable chapter in the book is the one on boundaries, needs and wants. And that, I'm sorry to say, will take you to a place where you know beyond doubt that your DH is simply not worth you.

Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond to this. Since that message my DH and I have had a couple of good long chats. I hadn't quite realised how much he was carrying. Work was getting really big and stressful, the guilt of being in a different country from two elderly parents, having a wife who was grieving and also had her own family sh** going on and two small kids was getting to him so he didn't have the capacity to be my cheerleader too.

Since this thread we have divided the week up fairly so we each get a night for exercise and a night for socialising and it's made us much better people. I have something going on outside of the house which is making me less needy for external validation. It feels more balanced. We've also looked at how often we can visit his family together rather than him going alone so he doesn't feel so divided, and worked out the money he's spent on time away and syphoned some of that off so I can have a similar amount of time away too. All in all it feels MUCH healthier.

I really appreciate that you saw so much in me from my post. But I'm glad I have a partnership where we can work on the needs and wants together. The bit where I said about him not bringing value was the bit that was off. Sometimes we have a hiccough, but mostly we're a team.