Morbid sense of humor…thoughts?

[birdstha]

I started seeing someone recently and they have been super lovely. Kind, affectionate, polite, funny, thoughtful about my boundaries, etc. They have a dark sense of humor which I can also have, but I get triggered when it turns to me.

For example, I told them I watched a movie they like and I was teasing it out in the conversation. When I told them, they said “I figured given we had discussed it and the hints you dropped…or maybe i put a camera in your room” teasingly.

That, tbh, set my paranoia off. I don’t think they ACTUALLY did it because there’s really nowhere you could put one without me noticing lol and they haven’t been in my apartment long enough to do that.

Other jokes have included us murdering each other or either of us not being serial killers, and again occasional dark humor coming into play. They have also mentioned being called psycho by their mom (in a joking way) but said they are not emotionally close to their parents (but are close to their siblings and have lots of friends)

Idk, like I said I don’t mind jokes on the dark side but that feels a bit too on the nose for me and triggers my anxiety. And I just wonder what they mean about the psycho thing. English isn’t their first language either. I don’t know how to talk to them about it or how to feel about it because otherwise I feel really safe and happy with them. We’ve only been dating a few weeks though so hey, who knows

That's not dark humour, it's several red flags.

You are dating Chairman Mao.

My thoughts would be: don't date someone whose sense of humour triggers your anxiety.

Sounds a bit creepy to me. It would put me off. If someone I knew well said something like that it wouldn’t bother me, but said by a relative stranger would be a bit worrying. Trust your instincts if something feels off.

It could be somewhat 'lost on translation'

Did you speak to them about what they'd said? Are there other red flags?

I sort of feel 'don't give it if you can't take it' but that doesn't quite fit what I'm trying to say. It's close though.

*in translation

Don't let him move in with you, ever

Sounds awful

I have a dark sense of humour, but people need to sort of earn the right to make jokes about spying on me or murdering me. Coming from my closest friends it's funny, coming from someone who's still practically a stranger, not so much.

My instinct from your post is that he is just joking, and it's innocent enough. I don't think it's a glaring red flag.

However, if it's really triggering your anxiety, I don't think this is the relationship for you. You could try talking to him about it, but it sounds like this is just his personality, and I don't think you can ask someone you've just started seeing to tone down aspects of their personality. Ultimately I don't think you're compatible.

It doesn't matter if it's 'lost in translation'. I could say to you 'Pass the salt', but if it sounded like 'You're a cow', it would upset you.

OP, this is about how his natural behaviour makes you feel, not about who's doing something 'wrong'.

We can joke about other things though, and we do without issue. I just wonder if I could ask him to tone it down about stuff relating to me because of previous trauma.

I know he is dealing with his own stuff so it could be a coping mechanism, idk

Why do you call them "they"?

I know he is dealing with his own stuff so it could be a coping mechanism

It doesn't matter. If this is how he copes with dealing with stuff, it's how he'll deal with stuff in your relationship. You're newly dating, and already posting on a forum about him triggering you. You're not compatible.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then listen to it.

My partner and I have all sorts of morbid and macabre conversations that I won't repeat here because they could upset someone and I don't want to do that. But, as a previous poster said, you have to prove yourself and 'earn' the right to be able to joke in that way with someone.