Daughter's BF horrible to her

[Truffles15]

I want my DD out of a toxic relationship. I think her BF might be a narcissist. I have met him several times and he is charismatic and charming. We liked him, despite red flags. I have now changed my mind. Yesterday, she phoned me and was highly anxious and self-abasing because her BF and she had yet another argument. As usual, the argument appeared to be down to his irritability where he accused her of 'moving slowly'. She reminded him that she had only just recovered from a bout of Covid. The week previously.
There is worse:
Forgets her birthday and booked a holiday with his mum and siblings on that day. The birthday is three days before her older sibling's sudden death. She was thirteen at the time of her sibling's death, so difficult day.
Was accidentally pregnant ( with twins or suspected molar ). Never came to scans, or clinic appts. Always busy (freelancer). I accompanied her. I was there when she took the abortion pill.
Had retained products, so an operation. He took her there in the am ( I paid for an Uber) but then went on a pre-arranged trip to the theatre with his mother and siblings.
There is a great deal more .... but do not want to be outed. One example is they were on a weekend away and she had (it now turns out) PID and was bleeding and vomiting on the train. No sympathy and walked off and left her outside a theatre, because she had misplaced a free ticket. Well, she was not well ...
The list is endless.
Some of you may have been in relationships like this. How do I persuade her to leave? It is me she phones and messages. Is ashamed to tell her friends.
What do I do? I think that he 'weakens' her. I think that he acts like he cannot tolerate her - yet she stays with him. He only 'loves' her when she is well, and even then is irritable.
Hoping for advice.

That sounds awful. How old is she and if she leaves him does she have somewhere to go?

Yes, our place and a sibling's flat. She is in her mid-twenties.

It's hard when you are in it and if you happen to be the kind of person that likes to see the good in people. She may know deep down but that bond is overpowering I found.

She needs to know she's not alone it happens to a lot of people, I'm a guy and I've not long out of it. It's sad and humiliating, you don't want it to be the case but it's not healthy or what relationships should be like. You think they will change but they do not.

That's not a nice man a genuine guy wouldn't treat her that way, would do the opposite. If is more along lines of narcissistic, it gets worse down the line, like a lot worse and she should avoid that at all costs. Mines absolutely destroyed me over the years, made me very sick and now is destroying my relationship with my children now it's over.

Relationships should be comfortable, equal not one having power or control over the other and treating them like dirt and an object. That is what those see you as, objects to be treated whatever way they want.

Thankyou. I need help, to help her. All her anxiety and sadness over her sibling's death is back - he is triggering that trauma. He spends loads on himself but is mean with her. He tells her he loves her, but is not loving. Her therapist ( who is also a psychiatrist) believes that her BF shows narcissistic traits. How did you get out of your relationship? Why is it so hard to extricate yourself? I agree with what you are saying about relationships. They should be equal and not one person making their partner feel like they are 'dirt'.

Mine worked a bit different than your daughters I think, it was amazing early on but it went like the clappers and got tied down, had children. I'm one of those that wanted a family more than anything and I see the good in people. I'm also quiet and understanding so it was probably easy in that regard.

Everything was on their terms, no going against and if you did would pay for it somehow. It's affected our entire family both sides, conflict all the way we never had a real family in that sense. Ended up completely isolated, no friends and family was cut off. It can extend to you all their control has no limits.

I started to get my head on a bit and do things I wanted to do, didn't fall in line so easily but I was also a workhorse and had been that way forever. I raised our children, SAHD did everything. Still I was lost in it though, I was trying so hard hoping things would change but they turned on me instead and forced me out. Taken everything, money, house, children and scapegoating me.

It's hard to explain but I didn't really feel it until I was away, it's not normal. It's trauma bond like an addiction. I've been used to the highs and lows, life now seems mundane and too peaceful but yet at the same time refreshing. At first it was like coming off a drug, always on my mind but now not so much but still comes. Even today I broke for ten minutes or so wanting to go back.

Emotional and psychological abuse is very damaging, don't underestimate it.

Catsafterme, I am glad you are out! She sees the good in people too ... I am worried, because he has this hold over her. It is like an addiction and the phrase 'trauma bond' resonates. He is damaging her, making her nervy, weepy, self hating. Must have been hard for you with children. How did you escape? You must not go back ...

Yeah doesn't sound good, be better off without by the sounds of things.

I got forced out of the home during a rage episode, I had to remove myself to descalate as got volatile and I think would have likely lied to police to get me out anyway had I stayed. Then manipulated, strung me along and then took everything. So now my children are isolated, no father no family and I'm going through court.

It was only once I got distance that I saw everything clearly and it started six months after we met but ramped up heavily after marriage. I would likely still be there now had that not happened I was lost in it.