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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner set up profile on FB Dating

16 replies

BeyonRedemption · 05/09/2023 15:29

Need a handhold.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 5. There have been shady things online that he’s been into in the past such as checking out girls on TikTok, Insta etc and even searches for local escorts, all of which he has said ‘all men do and if they say they don’t they are lying’. He has gaslighted me so much. Nothing ever came of this he wouldn’t physically cheat as he doesn’t have a high sex drive at all and we’ve had a joint account for years and I’ve never seen anything untoward, he said he was ‘curious’ which is why he looked.

I have not checked his phone for ages since these events (and don’t feel good prying anyway, I know that’s not healthy) but had a feeling a week ago and when he fell asleep with his phone on I had a quick look and saw that a few weeks ago (at a time when he said he was loving our relationship) he has set up a FB dating profile and messaged several women. Nothing other than chatty but stuff like ‘you look cute’ and ‘what do you enjoy doing’. It went on for a total of two weeks. The bottom dropped out of my world at this point.

I screenshotted all these and confronted him. He said it meant nothing and he wasn’t looking for someone else. He said he did it because he was ‘bored’ and ‘curious’. One week on and with me dealing with the devastation (lost half a stone, can’t eat or sleep) he’s just irritated that I ‘can’t get over it’ and ‘doesn’t know if he wants to stay with me because I’m so jealous and over the top’. We have talked and talked but he says he should have deleted it and I never would have been any the wiser but I said that’s not the point, the fact that you broke the trust, broke the boundaries etc and even thought about doing it in the first place is just so wrong. Why the f*ck can’t I just throw him out?? On the night of the discovery I was so angry I smashed his phone with a hammer, and felt justified in doing that.

I’m feeling gutted, devasted, rejected it’s horrible. I’ve booked a couples counselling session this weekend and although he’s agreed to come he says he doesn’t want to talk about feelings and emotions and I just need to move on and we need to get over it. He has promised never to do anything like this again and said sorry many times and told me he loves me. He says I'm treating him like he's a murderer and other men do far worse things.

I’ve got a horrible feeling he will back out at the last minute on the counselling. I’ve invested so much time and energy into this relationship and the thought of splitting up is killing me but at the same time I don’t know if I could ever trust him again.

How do people unravel a home, life, finances etc in these circumstances? When I look at him now with his lack of effort with his weight and his heavy smoking and his reluctance to do anything around the house plus never making a physical move towards me I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing but I’m also afraid of being alone.

The difficulty is he has been nothing short of brilliant with my three adult children, very supportive with my elderly and demanding parents, is kind and intelligent and very practical, and we get on really well together as a team, so it’s not all bad but why does he have this side to him that is so sleazy?? I’m really at a crossroads as to what to do. I know he’s ashamed but deals with that by shutting down.

What do wise MNer's advise to do and how to do it? I literally feel sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate Social Media it's caused all our problems.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:07

So he's a fat, heavy smoking, lazy arse who's always scoping out and trying to engage with other women (who also doesn't pull his weight around the house)?

And he has poor sex drive with you, and presumably you don't have a satisfactory sex life?

Time and investment .... Sounds like the fallacy of sunken costs.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:12

I absolutely hate Social Media it's caused all our problems.

That is absolutely delusional, sorry.

A faithful man wouldn't be checking out escorts, messaging other women, joining dating sites etc.

You have access to SM, are you doing that?

He's says all other men do this and you believe him.

Do you really think it's true that all men in monogamous relationships do that ....

And it's just a pity they have access to SM, because otherwise they'd be faithful?

You sound like the type who, if a man cheated through work, would blame the workplace or the ow.

Why is he not responsible for his own choices and behaviour??

DesertIslandHereICome · 05/09/2023 16:20

His behaviour is making you feel ill, that says it all.
I live a lovely way of life on my own, you could too.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:20

even searches for local escorts, all of which he has said ‘all men do and if they say they don’t they are lying’. He has gaslighted me so much.

He says I'm treating him like he's a murderer and other men do far worse things.

You know he gas lights the fuck out of you, bit you still stay ....why?

He's also using "relative morality" excuses ..... I first had this off a promiscuous, std spreading older man when I was 22 .... In response to me challenging him on his behaviour "there are men out there fucking little boys" .... This is nothing in comparison, he was implying. If you have to compare your behaviour to child rapists, to justify it; well, that says it all

If he has to constantly compare his behaviour to .... What? Actual physical cheating ... That says a lot. You're not supposed to compare your behaviour in a relationship to the worst Vega hour put there, you're supposed to compare it to good behaviour. It says a lot that he has to reference murder and other worse behaviour men do.

He sounds like he only hasn't actually physically cheated because he hasn't gotten anyone to.cheat with, sorry. That's how it looks. He'll say he's only looking and he's never go through with it, but he doesn't look like he's had an actual opportunity. Other than paying for sex, which hes probably too cheap to do.

(Though you never know for sure that's never happened).

Nelly10 · 05/09/2023 16:26

Sorry Op you need to throw him out.

Gain some major self respect here !

Be free of this grim man and live your own life.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:27

There have been shady things online that he’s been into in the past such as checking out girls on TikTok, Insta etc and even searches for local escorts

he has set up a FB dating profile and messaged several women. Nothing other than chatty but stuff like ‘you look cute’ and ‘what do you enjoy doing’. It went on for a total of two weeks

he wouldn’t physically cheat as he doesn’t have a high sex drive at all

I'm going to ask a hard question .... Do you think he actually fancies you much? Or do you think he would rather be with you than he alone?

Because you say he doesn't have a high sex drive, yet he clearly has a sexual interest in other women.

And his behaviour shows someone consistently seeking out and lately trying to engage with other women.

(It's not platonic ..... Not with til tok videos, escorts, dating sites etc).

HarrietStyles · 05/09/2023 16:30

Get rid of the man. Cancel the couples therapy. Book individual therapy for yourself - to build up your self esteem and try to unravel why you allow a partner to treat you so awfully. Good luck!

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:33

his reluctance to do anything around the house

Further suggestion that he wants a soft seat/landing ... To live with a woman who does pretty much all the domestic stuff etc. It's convenient for him. It suits him. He doesn't sound into you though, he doesn't sound physically attracted to you, and he's trying to interact with other women.

His attitude to counseling is more evidence ..... He thinks it's pointless because he doesn't want challenged, he probably doesn't want to be honest.

I've met men like this ..... One would turn up at our HMO where he'd previously lived for a while anytime he had an argument with his partner. I asked him why he kept going back if she was ABC (he said about her), he said quite shamelessly "she's a good cook, puts meals on the table, keeps a nice house" ... So back he went. It was much preferable to living on his own.

It sounds like your partner doesn't have many other prospects, if he's overweight etc .... Did anyone reply to his FB saying messages? And maybe he wants women out of his league too - with the tik tok, Instagram stuff and the escort browsing. I have to wonder if he'd stick around if he had other prospects.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 16:38

Also could I just add that living with a heavy smoker, even if they don't smoke in the home, is a health risk.

So he's not only a mental health risk to you, he's a physical one too (and then there's the argument that stress can contribute to physical health problems anyway).

Kpcs · 05/09/2023 16:49

Social media hasn’t caused all your problems. It’s his inability to control himself or just provide you with even the most basic level of respect that has caused all your problems.
Smashing the phone with a hammer is not excusable. Violence is not the answer. You are not good together, this is not a good relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 17:22

You are not good together, this is not a good relationship.

That makes it sound like op is equally to blame here

She's not, she's reacting to his repeated attempts to cheat, or something approaching it and his gas lighting.

She's devastated that's the relationship she's invested in and cares about is looking like it's got to finish.

She's not equally to blame. He's used her, while trying to cheat on her and gas lighted her.

She needs to get rid of him, yes ... But it's not her who's destroyed the relationship. It's not an equal fault situation.

The phone smashing is a clear sign of her pain and anger... Her stress and the fact she needs to get rid of him.

But it's not the behaviour of an abuser. She is not one, he, sort of, is.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 17:24

I would replace "you are not good together" with "he is a gas lighting cheater who wants a soft seat and will stay with you while he can't pull someone else" and it's naturally driving you crazy; best to get rid.

GilbertMarkham · 05/09/2023 17:26

Also in your pain at the prospect of ending the relationship, you're turning (illogically) on Social media and on his phone; but there's only one person to blame here - him.

IveGotFrills · 05/09/2023 22:06

If he doesn't see the problem with it, why don't you have a go? You might meet someone better.

HopeFloatsAbove · 05/09/2023 22:18

Hang on a minute, why do you deserve so little?

Get rid of this man, you own him nothing now and he has shown you who he is now?

YOU DEREVE MORE, believe that, remember your worth, and dont go back if you do leave this sad excuse of a man. He will sweet talk you into believing he is it only to disrespect you again, and again, and again. Know your worth.

SimoneSimone · 06/09/2023 09:29

Echoing most of the previous comments, you've set the bar low and it's easy for him to hop over it. Do yourself a favour and end this miserable chapter in your life. Start a new one without this loser in it.

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