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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why do I always end up apologising to dh when i have had a 'chat' with him?

24 replies

Divastrop · 02/03/2008 20:50

i finally said a few things that have been on my mind last night,about the amount of time he spends playing WoW/lack of interaction with the kids etc,and he turned it all around saying that i am expecting him to be a different person as he doesnt 'do' playing with the kids,and he has told me this in the past,plus most dads are the same.he pointed out the things he does do(?),the times he has spent time with the children etc,and said that i should ask him to help if im getting stressed.

i then felt i was being unreasonable,that i should have put things differently and that the problem isnt him,but the fact that i try to be a martyr and do everything by myself becuase im scared of him leaving me and dont want to 'need' him,so feel i should be able to sope alone.

am i nuts,or what?im so confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Divastrop · 02/03/2008 20:50

cope alone

OP posts:

madamez · 02/03/2008 20:53

It's difficult without knowing what he does do, but people who say 'well this is just the way I am' are very annoying. Men, in particular, say things like this when they mean 'I am the Man, therefore my wishes matter more than yours, you are only a woman and exist for my benefit.' But the thing is, you can't change another person, you can only change the way you react to them. Best of luck.

lizziemun · 02/03/2008 21:13

Probaly not helpful, but can he not include the children in the WoW (is that world of bloody warlock as it is none by me). Because if it is i send dd1 (4yrs) to annoy help daddy when i need 5 minutes.

Janni · 02/03/2008 21:17

Divastrop - why are you afraid that he will leave you, if you don't mind me asking.

Lulumama · 02/03/2008 21:17

so you kind of let him do whatever he wants, and do everything by yourself as you are scared he might leave? that does not sound a bit unhealthy?

surely he knew when you had DCs he would have to be involved? play with them? do stuff ?

what is WoW?

and what does he do?

for example is he the breadwinner? are you a SAHM?

Lulumama · 02/03/2008 21:18

it does sound a bit unhealthy!

Original poster

Divastrop · 02/03/2008 21:50

wow=world of warcraft(online game)

i have self-esteem issues,and my last 2 serious relationships(with ds1 and dd1s father,and with xh who was ds2's father{feck i sound like a right slapper})were both physically/emotionally abusive,and i have been worried about dh leaving me since we met,because a couple of time in the first year we were together,when we had a row he said he was leaving and walked out(but came back a couple of hours later).even though he hasnt done that for a long time,its still in the back of my mind.

i am suffering from depression and when i feel down i start thinking he is going to find someone else as well.i am haveing CBT now,as well as attending group therapy for the self-esteem problems.

i just dont understand why i feel so pissed off,so utterly convinced he is being a lazy fecker,then when i try and talk to him i end up saying sorry.i dont know where i am going wrong.maybe i should just be greatful i have a man who isnt abusive and that at least i can talk to him.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 02/03/2008 22:25

so you are worried for a valid reason then? i would be fearful too if my partner seemed disconnected from family life and had walked out previously,...good you are haivng CBT etc, hopefully you will feel more positive about yourself

having words and then apologising to keep the peace or to keep DH happy just leafves you feeling frustrated and angry which is not going

Janni · 02/03/2008 23:09

Diva - well done for having the CBT and group counselling. It sounds like you are doing a lot to tackle your own problems and that you have had a very hard time in past relationships. If you can find ways to ask very clearly for specific things you want him to do, I think that will help you.

branflake81 · 03/03/2008 10:20

I am completely the same. I try to avoid confrontation but sometimes decide I will have a quiet chat about something that's bothering me. OH gets annoyed, I cry and apologise. It's pathetic!

TimeForMe · 03/03/2008 10:46

Better still, find specific things that you want to do, get your coat on and leave the kids with him for an hour or so, he will have no choice but to interact with them then. To rebuild your self esteem you must focus on yourself more, make yourself the centre of your world, not him. Believe in yourself and trust that he will not leave you just because you dare to confront him with issues that are bothering you.

I do sympathise, believe it or not I used to be just the same but, after a few years I realised it wasn;t me getting me anywhere. I got the best results for both myself and our relationship when i put myself first for a change!

Good luck with it

Original poster

Divastrop · 03/03/2008 11:40

thank you everyone

you are right,i have been thinking about it and i can see that i have allowed things to get this way.i spent 5 months on medication that stopped me feeling anything,and during that time it was easier just to do everything myself,cos i wasnt really getting stressed/angry.

the same thing happened with the dc as well(the older ones),they have been taking the ps somewhat and i am trying to retore order and remind them that the real mummy isnt a weak pushover

but if i confront dh with loads of things at once,then his brain will just switch into typical man mode and all he will hear is 'nag nag nag',no matter what i say.much better,as most of you have suggested,to implement a practical approach.

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TimeForMe · 03/03/2008 11:54

Don't confront him as such, that will certainly have him running for the hills Just try giving him clear and precise instructions "I would like you to...." or "I am going to...." and just do it! Actions speak louder than words anyway.

Remember, you are a grown woman and you are not seeking his approval nor awaiting his opinion. You get your assertive head on and go for it!!

delcymru · 03/03/2008 12:18

I'm the same.Dp says instead of getting narky or sulky with each other we should talk more, so when things annoy me I try and put into words what it is. DP gets defensive immediately and thinks I'm just having a go at him, so everything turns around back to me, I get really upset( I'm way too emotional) and then I start to apologise , say it's all my fauult and do anything to stop arguing. Does'nt really work because then he's in a sulk with me and I'm narked at im and me for not being able to talk properly!! I wish I could talk and put my point across without getting all upset and ctying.
TFM , can I have one of those assertive heads too please

OrmIrian · 03/03/2008 12:22

I do the same. Not because I'm afraid if him leaving, but simply because I get tired of the bad feeling and want it all better again. I hate to go to bed on a row. Dh is a sulker - if I've upset him he will sulk for days and it drives me mad. I'm the opposite - I tend to flare up and calm down again quite quickly. Once I've had my say I want it all done and dusted - while he's still in sulk mode. So I say sorry..even when I don't really feel that I should.

talkingmongoose · 03/03/2008 12:26

"DP gets defensive immediately and thinks I'm just having a go at him, so everything turns around back to me"

Yup that rings a bell. why can they never, ever, ever accept the teeniest criticism?
You either have to put up with whatever is niggling you, or be put in the wrong for 'having a go', talk about can't win...are all men passive aggressive?

TimeForMe · 03/03/2008 12:29

The problem stems from over estimating our men. They really are quite simple creatures and run on instructions rather than emotions. If you need a hug, a kiss or help with the kids, just ask! You are more likely to get it than if you you stomp around with a sulky look on your face. He won't have a clue as to why you are giving him the evil eye He can't read your mind and, being a bloke, his mind is usually more on himself than it is on the kids needing a bath or the wife needing a hug.

Just give it a try for a week. Don the assertive head and start telling and asking him, with a smile of course. Don't hang around waiting for him to respond either, just walk away and leave him with it. Don't invite him to protest because that is defeating the object of the exercise. Your mission ladies is, not to change your man but to change how you react and respond to your man!

ArmadilloDaMan · 03/03/2008 12:39

Can't give advice about this but have been through the dreaded WoW obsession (one of many game obsessions).

I came to an agreement with my dp. THat he could play WoW in the evening for as long as he liked AFTER ds had gone to bed, we had cleared up/had dinner/organised next day (say 1-2 hours after ds in bed)

Same on weekends. Free WoW time for as long as he liked, once the other stuff was done.

Xavielli · 03/03/2008 12:48

I agree with Armadillo.

I am a WoW addict (self diagnosed)but more-over I am a parent, and a single one at that. I could happily sit and play all day to the detriment of my children but i dont. I used to when I was with ExP because I was so bloody miserable all the time.

Might be worth reiterating to your fella that the kids are only little for a very short time and its not worth missing ... even for sunday Gruul raids

Xavielli · 03/03/2008 12:50

And I also know what you mean re: apologising when telling him something he didnt want to hear. I used to do this all the time. He thought that when I apologised I took back everything I had said, so nothing ever changed.

Men!

Original poster

Divastrop · 03/03/2008 14:09

xavielli-i have actually asked him if his addiction is due to no wanting to be with me anymore but being unable to see a way out of the realtionship.this was one of the reasons i had my 'have to cope by myself' head on.he has assured me it isnt,and that he only plays because it keeps his mind occupied etc.

i was a single mum for a long time,and it is very,very difficult to share responsibility with somebody else,particularly as he is a man and my experience of men isnt exactly pleasant.

i have hated computer games of any sort since i can remember.i dont see the point in them,he talks about it as though its importantand it baffles the hell out of me.so that doesnt help.people have suggested in the past that i try playing it as well.i will play WoW the day dh gets stuck into a bf v ff or smacking debate on MN(ie never)

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jabuti · 03/03/2008 15:03

from the point of view of an online game player, it is something very addictive and very hard to deal with if the other part is not interested.

however, it does not make as a good excuse to absent himself. if anything, its a great sign of escapism. i have escaped myself before by playing lots and lots.

the problem is, because you dont play, he thinks he can say whatever he wants about why he plays it for so long, because you would never understand it. it doesnt matter, it could be golf, football, pub... at the end of the day, he needs to balance it with family life!

Xavielli · 03/03/2008 16:34

Diva - I wasnt implying that you make him miserable. That was just my experience of why I played so much.

I also agree with Jabuti. Because you dont really know what it is all about he can say what he wants about his reason for playing. and ofc " My guild is raiding Karazhan" probably wont wash lol.

The reason I play WoW now, tbh, is that there are a group of people I play with and its alot of fun. Gets me away from my problems in RL and socialise whilst being stuck at home of an evening. The character/leveling experience is just a place to do this. some people do it on msn/chat rooms.

Ask him what server he plays on. if he's on mine I'll bitchslap him for you lol.

He definitly needs to find a balance. and WTF?! I know many fathers and I can honestly say I havent met one who doesnt 'do' playing with the kids. Thats the real problem here methinks.

Original poster

Divastrop · 03/03/2008 20:23

xavielli-i know what sever he is on,what are you on?he has always maintained that its the levelling/game playing that he enjoys,and doesnt do it to socialise(i had major issues with him chatting online to women when i was pregnant with dd3,i have got over it now,although i only ever used to go on MN then but now i frequent another forum where i chat to/exchange views with just as many men as women).

i do listen to him when he is telling me what he is doing.when he first started raiding he used a headset and i pointed out this was unfair as it meant he would be unable to hear the lo's over the monitor,and why should i always go up to them?so now he uses a mike.

personally,i dont give a rats arse what he is 'doing' on the game,to me he is just playing a game and him saying he cant do something cos he's in a boss fight is no less crap than me saying i cant do something cos im posting on a thread.he doesnt see it this way,but he is deluded and thinks WoW is real i think

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