They never feel the connection

[Hencoat]

Hi Mumsnet, straight 35F here.

I've been essentially single now for 12 years. I had two long-term relationships in my late teens/early 20s that lasted about two years each, and since then, nothing has lasted more than three months. I've never been the dumper, only the dumpee. In most situations I just get ghosted, but when they've actually given a reason, it's always the same reason:

• Guy 1 - my second long-term boyfriend. Broke up with me after two years by saying he didn't see a future with me and, when he really thought about it, he didn't think he'd ever been in love with me.
• Guy 2 - friend of my brother; dated three months and then he told me he had no feelings for me and didn't think we should pursue it further.
• Guy 3 - dated for about six weeks; texted me the morning after our first time having sex and told me he didn't feel a strong connection.
• Guy 4 - met at an event and he pursued me pretty hard. Dated for two months and it seemed to be going really well - he was saying all the right stuff, super attentive, introduced me to his friends and family... then one morning I woke up to a text saying he just 'wasn't feeling the connection with us that he should be' and it 'just doesn't feel right being in something that doesn't feel right.' This one really blindsided me because I had no idea anything was wrong.
• Guy 5 - platonic friend of 10 years. He lives in a different country, but we would chat basically every day, and had met up overseas a bunch of times to hang out. I had wondered a few times if our relationship could be more, since I had such a great friend connection with him, but tbh I wasn't super attracted to him on the physical side of things. Then earlier this year I was visiting him in Japan and we ended up having sex a few times, and I started thinking, well, maybe there is enough physical attraction there after all! But when I asked him if he saw anything more than friendship + sex with me, he told me no, he 'just didn't feel butterflies around me.'
• Guy 6 - most recent. We only went on about five dates and hadn't had sex yet, so it wasn't super serious, but it seemed to be going well - easy conversation, shared values, etc. Then out of the blue during our fifth date he told me he 'doesn't feel like he's being himself around me' and doesn't know why. We both agreed to end it.

So, what's going on here? Why are no men able to fall in love with me? Even the guys themselves don't seem able to tell me - they seem genuinely puzzled.

Some will probably say it's the guys I'm dating, but I'm not sure it's that either. Guy 1 and 2 were both engaged to someone else within a year of us breaking up. Guy 3 and 6 I'm not in contact with anymore, but they seemed to be genuinely looking for marriage + family. Guy 4 had a new serious girlfriend a month later. I don't think it's them; it's me. There's something very wrong with me.

I've started going to therapy to try to figure it out, but the only thing my therapist wants to talk about is why I feel the need for a relationship in the first place. Apparently having a romantic connection with another person is just "the icing on the cake," and I guess I'm a person who doesn't get to eat iced cake?

It's a shit feeling to think you can't have what seems to come naturally to other people, especially when it's something you want.

What are you like with guys who show an interest in you when you hadn't considered them in that way?

Are you meeting these guys via OLD?

It could be a case of you've ended up with a bunch of time wasters and there's nothing wrong with you at all. I doubt there's something majorly wrong with you, men can just be like that. Not all of us are though, but from what I gather it's hard finding the latter especially on OLD from what I've heard.

Well —you could get a different therapist for a start. Or you might ask them directly what they see happening. On a surface level, based on your account, you may not be picking up non verbal or other cues that the relationship isn’t progressing. Perhaps your childhood relationships explain that? Perhaps there is a social step you are missing?

You seem to be a (painfully)honest and direct person so it sounds to me like you would be able to handle whatever the uncomfortable truth is (from the point of view of outsiders).

Your therapist can’t change you, they can only help you change yourself or accept and give meaning to what you can’t change.

I really believe that for every pot there is a top and for every crooked foot there is a crooked shoe. These guys were honest enough not to keep going with you without a serious connection. Thats a blessing, in a way, as they just aren’t the right one.

It may be that you don’t really know what makes a guy right for you and are proceeding without real passion?

No one can tell you what is “ wrong” with you because thats the wrong way to look at it. Work with friends and your therapist to figure out what is right with you and see if knowing and feeling that rightness attracts the right person.

That must feel very crappy for you. Have you asked your friends for some honest feedback on how you come across in a conversation?
My best friend had similiar scenarios, and upon feedback, she realised that she came across as very me me me but not in a selfish way and never really bothered to ask someone else about them in conversations. Just really overly chatty about her experiences. She is really lovely though.

She went to therapy and did some work on herself to learn how to genuinely engage with others.

She got married not long ago and I have to say, that it is a much better experience going out to lunch with her these days.

Honestly I think it's just pure luck. There are a lot of unhelpful narratives around dating, but really, meeting someone you click with and want a serious relationship with is literally just chance. Some situations can increase that chance e.g. school or uni, where many people meet partners, but adult dating seems to be much harder. I'm not sure why that is – maybe people are pickier, too set in their ways, have unresolved trauma, unrealistic expectations, past baggage they haven't sorted practically or emotionally.

I had a similar experience to you for nearly 10 years. I'd always get dumped after a few months. I've since done several years of therapy and realised that while the people I was dating were not blameless (and many were fundamentally incompatible with me) I also had my own unresolved issues that made me display offputting behaviour. Still, it took me another year after therapy to find someone on a dating app that I clicked with. It's pure chance. If the algorithm had worked differently I'd never have met him. Likewise, I could have lucked out and met someone like him before I dealt with my own issues.

Therapy is a positive step and I think there is value in looking at the reasons you want a relationship – if it's to fill an emotional void then it's never going to work out (I had to learn this too). I agree with your therapist it should be 'the icing' or a bonus to an already good and fulfilling life. But there is nothing wrong with wanting that or wanting to explore where it might have been going wrong! Work on yourself should be primarily for you, though, not purely with the aim of having a relationship.

No one can answer why your efforts (like so many peoples ) end up thwarted

some people only end up with cheats and abusers

your fate seems to be to (currently ) this state of affairs

im not minimising the pain this causes 🙏

but at the same time therapy isn’t cheap and there will be a type and some common threads here

and I’m afraid to say I agree with therapist that a mental health break and a pause and some time alone will help

its bloody easy for me to say this , I’m a lot older than you and I’m single and I have kids

but this must be soul destroying

I think it’s peak petty for guy 1 to say that after 2 years - what a charmer!

i can relate to many experiences you have shared - I think it’s often the case that there isn’t a real ‘reason’ that things end, but rather there aren’t enough reasons to continue for one or both parties. To put it another way, a lack of connection is probably the reason 99% of relatively short relationships fail, whether that comes via ghosting, fading out or frank conversations.

Looking back, were you genuinely and honestly sold on any of these guys?

You sound as though you have asked for clarity when the reality is that there is nothing wrong with you. You simply haven’t found someone who is a 100% definite undeniable ‘yes’ - for you or them. That’s what I’m putting it down to in my case so please excuse the projection.

Therapy may help you uncover this, but it equally might make you accept your life is/could be awesome without the iced cake. Or maybe you do discover you have a problematic way of relating, but goodness knows there is no such thing as a perfect person for a relationship. I feel pretty confident it’s not you, it’s them.

What maybe wrong is that you a too busy looking for yourself being the problem. It sounds like a prerequisite for a relationship to you might be that the other person shows interest, and that's all that's required. How many have been interested in you, but you've turned them down because they didn't have x, y or z? If the answer is non, then you are not casting a descending eye and looking at what they can bring to your life. Don't fit in with them and try to become what you think they want. I say that as it looks like you convinced yourself that a friend you had no attraction for could be a prospect once he showed an interest in you.
Tying yourself up in knots to be someone's ideal, is not an attractive trait, whereas, self-assurance and independence is. So match them to your needs, not the other way round, don't change yourself to suit.

Opentoofers makes a good point. Its often better to be choosier than to be very accepting. At least at the start.

There doesn’t have to be “anything wrong” to not feel a connection. Sometimes it takes a month or two to decide whether things are going anywhere or see if feelings grow.

What would be worse is them stringing you along, pretending at a connection, just so they get regular sex.

All these guys though, did you feel that connection with them or was you hoping that would develop over time?

I had a similar problem starting almost 10 years ago - same as you I had no problem getting dates and early stages of a relationship but then it would always be (as you say) they just didn’t see it going anywhere or they didn’t feel it. I discovered what the problem was for me and now I am in a wonderful relationship and we got engaged last year. You’ll probably think I’m being arrogant here but I think the issue previously was that I was trying too hard to be ‘perfect’. Do you know the ‘cool girl’ speech from Gone Girl? I was like that, I always had perfect hair, makeup, clothes, laughed at all his jokes, always up for a good time. I never wanted to complain about anything because they might think I wasn’t fun enough or discuss anything more than skin deep, including my feelings or the future. So everything was very superficial. I think two things changed this - 1. I became a single mum, which automatically made me vulnerable, which I found men that I was dating loved. They wanted to ‘save’ me and I wasn’t ‘perfect’ anymore. 2. I saw a therapist and one of the only helpful things she said to me was when I told her that I was worried about going too deep eg saying that I was having a difficult time because of xxx situation or having a conversation about the future, because I was worried that the man would break up with me because of it, she said ‘if he’s going to break up with you for having xxx conversation then he’s going to break up with you for that reason or another reason anyway so you might as well just say it. Saying it out loud doesn’t make it happen’.
So after that, I showed my vulnerabilities (not saying you should become a single mother to do this because 100% do not recommend) and men loved that and I also just said whatever I wanted to (but obviously never mean or hurtful) but I stood up for myself, placed boundaries and had difficult conversations and both these things led me to be a person who is able to have deep connections.
To me, you sound similar, you are obviously attractive and able to get dates and the beginning of the relationship but maybe you’re not letting yourself be vulnerable to the man, you’re holding back. And it’s probably a vicious cycle now because you feel that you’re not good enough for a relationship so you’re holding back so as not to get hurt but what you really need is to open up and really be yourself and if he’s the right man then you’ll form that deeper connection. And if he’s not the right man then you brush yourself off and do it again :)