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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does ANYONE think that doing the hoovering at 6 or 7 am seven days a week is normal behaviour? Sounds funny but am at the end of my tether

19 replies

roseblade · 02/03/2008 20:33

just read a by a poster whose DH feels their house is being de-valued by todddlers mess and a few people suggested he may have OCD.

Well its prompted me to post myself.

My Dp is also completely obsessed with keeping the house clean and orderly, he insists on doing the hoovering all through the house every bloody day and at between six or seven o'clock in the morning, hence myself or ds never bloody ever get a lay in.

He feels I am a slob and 'never do any cleaning or DIY' and that 'everything' is left to him. I work nearly 30 hrs per week (plus a commute) do all the childcare outside these hours, shopping, cooking, ironing,washing and drying etc. I used tolove cooking but now hate it as he just gets incredibly uptight about the mess involved and is incapable of waiting for ME to tidy up which I would do given half a chaance. he spends 45 minutes every night 'cleaning' the kitchen even if we have had takeaway.

This weekend I had my mother to stay as I had an operation on friday (nothing serious but still unpleasant and in pain), however, Dp made it crystal clear that her presence was 'making more work for him' hence she left a day early.

Then this afternoon, despite promising me that if mum left he would do the childcare JUST THIS ONCE he lost his temper because ds was being 'difficult' and it was because i was 'ignoring him' (i was laid on the sofa at this point in pain and dosed up with codeine)

This is the thin end of the wedge but I don't want to bore everyone senseless.

Am tired, sad, frustrated, wishing I could win the lottery and leave.

Sorry for rant.

OP posts:

Wotz · 02/03/2008 20:36

Not normal, controlling and not a happy place to be I expect, no wonder you want to rant.

fryalot · 02/03/2008 20:37

he sounds like a right catch

seriously, he is being a complete twunt. If you're working then he should be doing 50% of the housework/childcare. If you're lying on the sofa after an operation, he should be doing ALL of the housework/childcare/entertaining your mother.

Don't know what to suggest, don't have any answers, but imo his behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

Tickle · 02/03/2008 20:42

I could not live like that. I think there are deffo some serious issues with his behaviour. Is he worried about germs etc, or just the way it looks?

Does he go out to work?

Could he get a job further away, so he can be out of the house longer?

dizzydixies · 02/03/2008 20:45

he sent your mum off, he should be picking up the slack that's now been left - it is NOT normal to be hoovering everyday at that time, we're bloody lucky if its once a week at the moment

hope you're feeling better soon but am sorry I think all is not well with your dh

Original poster

roseblade · 02/03/2008 20:49

Thanks for the replies.

We have been trying to sell our (his)house for about 18 months, he has always had these tendancies and before we met he was on medication for depression but which is one that is ofetn used for OCD too so I think there were already issues. he came off this when ds was born

Anyway we cant sell the house and all this has been getting progressively worse.its not about germs but just 'not letting things deteriorate' in his words.

if I try to stop him doing things (ie hoovering at 6am) he gets really angry and says 'leave me be'.

The sad thing is, he is a good man, woks hard, faithful, etc etc and has many good qualities but I feel as though I am living under constant csrutiny where the main reason to exist is to keep the house clean/ tidy not be happy, laugh, be spontaneous.

I think we need some time apart but he won't hear of it

There isnt much laughter here anymore....

OP posts:

kittywise · 02/03/2008 20:50

No,it's not

dizzydixies · 02/03/2008 20:51

am sure he is a lovely man but I think he's maybe placing all his anxieties/depression issues into this and this is how he copes with it?

sorry its getting you down so much, do you think he'd be willing to go and see GP about it after some gentle nudging?

fryalot · 02/03/2008 20:51

oh rose, that's very sad. Have you told him that you are unhappy? I know you said he won't hear of time apart, but have you told him that his behaviour is making you really miserable?

Perhaps he may want to think about popping back to the docs for some more ads?

Tickle · 02/03/2008 20:55

It sounds like the underlying stress might be the hope that the house will sell, and with the housing market being so uncertain it is manifesting itself in this OCD-like behaviour.

Does he realise it makes you unhappy?

Original poster

roseblade · 02/03/2008 20:55

yes sqonk, he does know how upset and frustrated I feel. have suggested going for counselling but he is completely anti. Also doen't want to go back on the medication as it 'slows his thinking'.

Sometimes it feels like the only 'answer' is to leave but that feels like admitting defeat and throwing away my ds's chance of having his daddy around which I never did. And as I say, its so hard because he is a good man in so many ways.

There just are no easy answers............

OP posts:

fryalot · 02/03/2008 20:58

how about if you showed him this thread? Perhaps he doesn't realise how odd his behaviour is.

Or will that make things worse, that you have 'talked' about him to strangers?

MadamePlatypus · 02/03/2008 20:59

Yes, I think he is being controlling.

IF he did all the tidying and hoovering and was good natured about your mum staying and looked after you when you were ill and was easygoing with the children I would say it was just a quirk.

However, his activities are clearly interfering with your (and his) day to day life, and I do think it sounds as though he has problems. Not sure what you can do about it, but hope he can get some help.

poppynic · 02/03/2008 20:59

He sounds depressed to me. I wasn't surprised when you said in the later post he had had depression. I think he needs to see his doctor. I wonder if not being able to sell the house etc. are causing him to feel very stressed and lacking in control. He probably thinks if the house is tidy it will help him feel better - but of course it won't. That would also explain why he doesn't have any patience with your son. He won't want you to be apart from him because that would leave him more adrift than he's already feeling... It's probably even harder on you than him but, as the psychiatrist assured me, depression is treatable.

Maybe I'm completely wrong - I'm no expert -but do have depression and similar anxiety-related illnesses in my family.

poppynic · 02/03/2008 21:01

Sorry, have just read you later post re medication etc. Not sure how to get around that. Thinking of you.

dizzydixies · 02/03/2008 21:04

if heis objecting to the meds he was on before he can always be prescribed other types - am sure there has to be more than one suitable?

can I tentatively suggest you post on health and see if anyone has similar tendencies either themselves or loved ones - they might be able to give some positive suggestions

am NOT trying to cut you short I just feel that this is maybe more of a medical thing

sorry am not any more use, I DO hope you manage to get all this sorted

madamez · 02/03/2008 21:04

Maybe he is suffering from depression or OCD. But that doesn't mean you should just have to put up with his behaviour. Point out to him, calmly and firmly, that he is not the boss and you are not his servant, and that your wishes and feelings matter just as much as his.

Shaniece · 02/03/2008 21:12

I am an untidy bitch - your DH would love me . Tell him to get a life, there's more to life than cleaning at 7 in the morning . I would rather be doing a workout at the Gym.

I'm thinking maybe he has OCD???? My Mil has this and cleans from 6am til 8pm ( with cups of tea and cigarettes in between) all day every day.

ladytophamhatt · 02/03/2008 21:16

if m dh kept getting teh hoover out at 6am I'd cut the bloody plug off the thing!

citylover · 03/03/2008 11:39

sounds like the tendencies that my exH has and which have been documented in several posts.

He would not get up so early but often used to keep me up late at night when I wanted to go to bed matching ties to shirts for example if he was going on an overseas trip - I kid you not.

Also hated cooking because of mess etc etc. As you say all the fun went out of my life because of this (and the DCs). Also obsessed with tiny specs of something (sometiems nothing) on clothes.

He made me feel like a slob and ultimately it does impact on your self esteem and self image. I am untidy but in no way a slob.

He still tries now to undermine me and makes snidey remarks about the house and unfortunately still has influence on the kids but the liberation of not walking on eggshells and leaving a dirty cup in the sink overnight is quite exhilarating (sp).

He too has history of depression and like your DH refused to seek any help whatsover.

If he does the housework good naturedly genuinely trying to contribute but if its done to feed his angst then that's not good for anyone.

Not sure what to suggest but hope his helps to know that behaviour is not normal. I also know the feeling of needing to get reality checks. I thought I was going mad!

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