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Original poster

Help! Partners debt

22 replies

DaisyLove28 · 05/09/2023 07:03

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years but the last few months he’s always stressed about money. He earns a decent wage so I never understood why a week after payday he’s struggling. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked his open letters and saw he’s in tens of thousands of debt. I want to help him but I don’t know where to start or how to bring the conversation up as I shouldn’t have gone looking. He doesn’t like talking and when I’ve asked previously about things he just says it’s his stuff to sort out.

OP posts:
Ollifer · 05/09/2023 07:07

I had this with my ex partner and he just kept being shady about it, the debt was increasing but he wouldn't get proper help or change his ways. I ended up having to split with him as I couldn't stand being the one having to pay for everything and be lied to constantly. I hope your partner can start being open and honest with you

DoctorTeeCee · 05/09/2023 07:08

I’d ask him directly whether he has any debt. His response will provide a good starting point for understanding the reality of your relationship going forward…

There are also many other things to consider here..do you already own a home, have your own savings, stable employment etc? If not, this could seriously impact your future (and what you plan to do with it).

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/09/2023 07:09

I'm afraid that would be the end for me. Any money you earn will be used to subsidise him. It might be different if he was open about it but secretive and skint is a really bad combination.

Livinghappy · 05/09/2023 07:09

I assume you don't live together?
If he hasn't spoken to you about his debt then I doubt he wants your help as perhaps he is still in the "head in sand" stage.

Whilst it's kind of you to want to help it's likely he will need specialist advice. Do you know what has caused the debt? Any life events like business failure, legal cases etc?

DaphneduM · 05/09/2023 07:11

It's the lying and secrecy that kills such relationships - get out while you can. This sounds harsh I know, but speaking from experience here.

ZekeZeke · 05/09/2023 07:13

You shouldn't have snooped, they are private letters.
After 3 years together you need to have an open honest conversation.

Are the debts recent, what are they related to.
What is the extent of the debt. Get him to speak with a FA, be present and decide if you want to continue the relationship knowing his full financial state.

Mindymomo · 05/09/2023 07:14

Personally, I would come clean and say I’ve seen some letters and can we talk about it as obviously something needs doing. It’s going to come up eventually. If he won’t speak to you ask him to look at Step Change Website for advice. But at the end of the day he needs to see there’s a problem and maybe he’s not ready yet or embarrassed to discuss it with you.

Original poster
DaisyLove28 · 05/09/2023 07:38

So we do live together and have a young child, I’m currently on maternity leave but due back to work next month. However I’ve had to reduce my hours due to childcare.
I’m not sure what the debt has come from but the letter I saw he’d put it altogether in one place to pay off, so I guess that’s a start?
Leaving the relationship isn’t even something I’ll consider

OP posts:
Clymene · 05/09/2023 07:42

DaisyLove28 · 05/09/2023 07:38

So we do live together and have a young child, I’m currently on maternity leave but due back to work next month. However I’ve had to reduce my hours due to childcare.
I’m not sure what the debt has come from but the letter I saw he’d put it altogether in one place to pay off, so I guess that’s a start?
Leaving the relationship isn’t even something I’ll consider

How can you share a life with someone who has kept such a massive secret from you? Of course it's your business!

MrsMoastyToasty · 05/09/2023 07:45

Take him to the local CAB. Its often better to hear from an outsider that he needs to face up to his situation.
Does he have anything to show for his spending? Could it be gambling?
Is there a chance he could be arranging loans I your name? Check your credit score.
Are your most important bills being paid ? Rent/mortgage, council tax and utilities?

Ollifer · 05/09/2023 08:02

Op I used to think I'd never consider leaving but if he cannot be honest and open about his finances then he's effectively lying and being deceitful and putting your home /assets at risk. I've been there and battled with it for over three years and it just got worse, I wish I'd have walked sooner. By all means sit him down and lay everything out on the table and hope that going forwards he's honest and makes an active plan to stop this from spiralling. But don't give him chance after chance because if he's just like that then it won't change unfortunately.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 05/09/2023 08:06

Step away. From the debt for sure. And rethink your life with a man who can't manage money. Don't make his financial worries become yours.

Hiddenvoice · 05/09/2023 08:11

My sil went through this. Her partner was in a lot of debt and wasn’t sneaky about it but didn’t tell her at first. She asked him directly and told him she seen the letters. He then shared it started before they got together and just sort of spiralled.

They worked together to create a better budget and contacted the lenders to work out new payment plans. He is paying it off with his money but they both were very honest with family that money was tight.

He is still paying off now but it’s not as bad as it once was.

She didn’t leave him, he wasn’t being sneaky and didn’t have any addictions. It was just poor money management.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/09/2023 08:28

Jesus. You live together and already have a young kid and he’s hidden this from you and is being obstructive about it now… he’s very lucky you’re so loyal, I’d see this as a huge issue.

ZekeZeke · 05/09/2023 08:41

DaisyLove28 · 05/09/2023 07:38

So we do live together and have a young child, I’m currently on maternity leave but due back to work next month. However I’ve had to reduce my hours due to childcare.
I’m not sure what the debt has come from but the letter I saw he’d put it altogether in one place to pay off, so I guess that’s a start?
Leaving the relationship isn’t even something I’ll consider

What do you mean leaving the relationship isn't something you would consider?

You have a child and live with someone who is financially unstable. How irresponsible of you.
I assumed you were just going out together.
You need to sit down and TALK. You need to find out the extent of the debt and he needs to speak to a FA.

Gcsunnyside23 · 05/09/2023 08:47

I think alot here are jumping the gun and telling you to leave. The first rational thing to do would be to have a conversation with him. Tell him you saw the letters and know he has a lot of debt and ask what happened. Be upfront and if he's up front then you can go from there, help him and support him, if he's not then you have other issues. Yes he's not told you about it but something like this can bring a lot of stress and strain, it's probably from before you met and he didn't know how to tell you. If it's recent and from gambling then again you've bigger issues

Livinghappy · 05/09/2023 08:54

This is something you need to discuss, if you consider him a partner and share a child then finances are your consideration.

He may feel ashamed of debt but getting his out in the open is important for you both. How can you plan a life together, such as holidays,savings for children, buying cars etc without knowing state of finances as a couple?

I think you should be honest, say you saw the letters and want to understand more. He may react with shock that you looked but hopefully he decides to be open once his emotions settle down.

Original poster
DaisyLove28 · 05/09/2023 12:35

Thank you for everyone’s replies, I think it’s very easy to tell someone to just leave when you’re an outside person, I don’t think it makes me irresponsible though. But that’s my opinion and I appreciate everyone’s responses. I will speak to him, I just know he doesn’t like to rely on anyone or anyone to worry about him, perhaps why he hasn’t told me.

OP posts:
Clymene · 05/09/2023 12:44

I think it's worrying that you're anxious about talking to him. You're on maternity leave which means reduced income and he's in enormous debt which absolutely affects you, your child and your future.

suburbophobe · 05/09/2023 12:49

It's the lying and secrecy that kills such relationships - get out while you can. This sounds harsh I know, but speaking from experience here.

I second that.

Hopinghonestly · 05/09/2023 13:33

Yeah my partner i found years down the line had this baggage..

He was too scared to tell me so buried his head in the sand..which made it worse so i found out a worse way haha.

All accounts were seperate so luckily he couldnt drag me into it..
I had to take complete reign of finances for him..his wages he transfers to me and i manage all bills and budget everything.
He then contacted debt advisors and had to have a debt relief order.
Rent is in my name and i went back into work so can ensure family is secure financially. Its shit but he has learnt his lesson..im very hardcore on him now and watch his spending like a hawk. Once the 6 years is over and he can build back up his credit score.

I know its stressful :(

Hopinghonestly · 05/09/2023 13:36

I think the key will be if this problem was prior to you and snowballed and if he amends his way due to it.

If a person changes and learns from mistakes then that is a person you can grow with...if he doesnt and expects to be bailed out constantly is another story.

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