Conflicted feelings about DH - trauma bond?

[Sapphireglitter]

I feel totally paralysed in this situation and wondered if anyone had any thoughts/ advice.

I have been with my DH for 20 years, we have two DC, early teens.

DH has struggled with his mental health the whole time I've known him. I think he is neurodiverse (our DC also are and I have ADHD). Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs, and we've had marriage counselling a couple of times.

He recently left his job due to his poor mental health. We are waiting to see if his medical insurance pays out, if it does, he is planning to never work again and will take early retirement.

He spends all day lying on the sofa or doing his hobbies. We had guests at the weekend and before they came I was running around trying to tidy and clean the house, food shopping, changing beds etc - DH was just lying down. When I asked him for help he got angry, and said he hadn't wanted the guests to come over anyway.

He was annoyed when I went to get food and drink for them and said that one chicken and one bottle of wine should be enough between us (four adults and four children).

Sorry for all the details but I just wanted to give an idea of what he's like. I usually don't invite guests over as it's too stressful with DH's reaction. He can also be controlling - saying which supermarket I should go to, which gear to drive in, how much water to put in the kettle etc as he doesn't want to waste money on electricity.

We have very different outlooks on life - I find it very difficult that he is happy to just lie around all day. I work four days a week, partly from home, and somehow I just feel stressed and depressed to see him lying around all day - DH doesn't understand why this is, and says he feels hurt that I don't want him around, so then I end up apologising.

We just seem very different - I love adventures, going abroad, doing up the house, meeting up with people. DH seems to be getting more moody and depressed with each passing year - he does barely anything practical in the house and garden and gets very stressed when he is out of his routine, on holiday or having to spend money - we've only been abroad once in the past 15 years.

The thing is, I have such conflicted feelings about him. I have been seriously considering divorce as I am so unhappy. If I could just switch off my need for emotional connection and compatibility, I would, but i just can't. It's got worse since he's stopped work, and I keep thinking, this might be it for good if he doesn't ever work again.

I am scared of breaking up the family, breaking the children's hearts and the financial situation. But I just feel so stressed and unhappy. DH says he loves me, but he has admitted that for him, the relationship is more about stability than him feeling any emotional connection with me. He does genuinely seem to care about me sometimes, but it's usually when he's not being asked to do anything and he's in his comfort zone.

The thing is, I feel like I really love him. I know my needs are not getting met, I know he is controlling, I know it's stressful for me that he just wants to lie around all day and has no drive - but I look at him and feel sorry for him, almost like I think he can't help being like that and i can see he is struggling!? It's like I'm putting him first, and thinking that I understand him, so my needs don't count or something. I really want to get to the bottom of this, I feel that I do want to separate but something is holding me back - maybe a trauma bond or something? Why am I overlooking my needs because I feel empathy for him?

I have had psychotherapy in the past, but this didn't come up at that time. I wonder if I need more psychotherapy to get to the bottom of this? In fact, it does remind me of the relationship I had with my dad - he was disengaged, controlling and hostile and left the family when I was a teenager. I always felt like I really loved him and felt sorry for him - WTF?! It was only when I wrote him an email last year when I asked him questions about how he had treated me and his other children, and he replied that he had no answers or memory of it and it was better if I didn't contact him again, that suddenly I realised he didn't care about me at all, and that bond was cut. It was a real relief actually. I would like the same thing to happen with my feelings for DH, but not sure how to go about it.

Has anyone got any thoughts or been through anything similar? Sorry for the length of the post!

Go back to therapy. Ideally someone who works with individuals and also with couples. See her as an individual patient, and ask her if she thinks you should also have marriage counseling. If you two decide marriage counseling is a good idea, she can refer you to someone for that. But your post reads like you typed yourself right into realizing you could use more therapy.

Massive squishes @Sapphireglitter

When did this man last show you how he loves and respects you.

how often - percentage wise in the average day/week/month:year do you feel loved, respected and happy with this man.

if we swapped you out for a career and housekeeper that would stick to his routine and habits would he be happy enough?

if you wanted to start doing more things outside of the house and marriage (evening classes, seeing friends, travelling) that make you happy would he support you or be moody/sulky?

What does he do with the kids? What example are yours and his behaviour setting them as to relationship and behaviour aspirations? Would you want them all to
turn into their dad - or the mum
who lets him walk Over her needs?

If your child asked for advice as they found themselves in a relationship like yours - what would you want for them?

Which gear to drive in?!

@TheCatterall's post is great.

@TheCatterall thanks for your post, I'll try to answer the questions:

When did this man last show you how he loves and respects you.

I honestly can't remember

how often - percentage wise in the average day/week/month:year do you feel loved, respected and happy with this man.

I really don't know - maybe 1 -5%

if we swapped you out for a career and housekeeper that would stick to his routine and habits would he be happy enough?

Yes. In fact we were recently talking about AI, and I said to him that I thought he would be happy with an AI wife and he didn't deny it

if you wanted to start doing more things outside of the house and marriage (evening classes, seeing friends, travelling) that make you happy would he support you or be moody/sulky?

He's usually fine if I go out as it doesn't affect him - the children are teens so pretty self sufficient. However he gets moody and sulky if I spend any money at all, even if I say I'm off to the supermarket he gets moody, or driving in the car for a short distance as he doesn't want money being spent on petrol.

What does he do with the kids? What example are yours and his behaviour setting them as to relationship and behaviour aspirations? Would you want them all to
turn into their dad - or the mum
who lets him walk Over her needs?

He occasionally goes on a walk with the kids or has a chat to them, but it's usually on his terms, about topics he wants to talk about. I think he does try though, but it doesn't come naturally to him.

Re the example of relationship we're setting them - I know it's not at all the example I'd want them to see. My son is very perceptive and has said to me at times that he thinks DH can be self centred and only does what he wants to do. We all know that DH gets moody and try to avoid making him angry. In fact, my DS has sometimes challenged DH and said "Dad, why aren't you helping" for example when he sees me busy rushing round at home and DH lying on the sofa. DH just gets angry and says that he is tired or something.

If your child asked for advice as they found themselves in a relationship like yours - what would you want for them?

I would want them to address their own needs and follow their own path to happiness and not feel responsible for their DH.

Thank you so much for these questions - they have really made me think! I think I need to keep asking myself things like this and gaining more clarity on the situation. It's all very well that I look at DH and feel sorry for him, and know that in his heart he's not a bad guy, but the whole time I seem to be dismissing my own needs. I think there must be a way that I can think to myself, I love and care for him, but that alone does not mean that I have to stay with him as he can't really reciprocate.

I can objectively see how this must seem so strange that I can't just move on, but it honestly feels like there is some kind of invisible chain connecting me to him!

@Malapataraso Thanks, yes I think I might try individual counselling again. I just wanted to hold off for a bit to see if I could somehow change my mindset myself. I've had individual therapy before and spent ages talking about my childhood, and I think I've become much more self aware and let go of stuff.

DH and I have had marriage counselling on two separate occasions. It was ok but as soon as it finished DH just closed off again and went back to his usual patterns of behaviour so I just think there's no point in trying that again.

I would not do couples therapy with him - it's not recommended to do therapy with an abusive partner.

But therapy for you - definitely.

You've said yourself that he makes you happy 1/5% of the time - so why are you still with him?

He doesn't bring anything to your life that I can see.

@Thelonelygiraffe I'm still with him because I really wanted to keep the family together for the children. Plus I'm on a low income so I am worried how things would work out financially.

But you're right, I don't think he does being anything to my life. The thing is that I feel attached to him, so I am trying to understand why, which may help me to break free of the relationship.

I think comparing it to the relationship you have with your father is very interesting. I don't believe the love you have your husband is the sort of love people have for a partner, but rather the sort they have for a disconnected parent.

I don't feel a break up will be traumatic for your children. I think it's far better they are learning from you than from him. All their security will come from you as your husband puts himself first.

Counselling is a very good idea if you can afford it, but if you can't then keep the money and keep talking on here.

It’s because you feel sorry for him and worry what will happen to him if you leave. But you need to put yourself first. We are here such a short time, you are only living half a life if that. I’ve got a friend who was in a similar relationship and since she’s broke free she’s said she can’t believe she didn’t do this years ago. The ex moved on within weeks so she doesn’t feel bad for him

@determinedtomakethiswork what you have said has resonated, that the love I feel for DH is more the sort I would feel for a disconnected parent rather than a partner. Wow, that's really hit home.

And thank you for saying you don't think a break up will be traumatic for my children - that has been/is such a worry for me.

The dc will be happy with you if you are happy. Look into therapy re trauma bonds💐

I am a couple of years ahead of you. Very similar situation, married 20+ years, 2 late teenage kids, he has always been financially and emotionally abusive, he has love bombed and disappeared (sometimes for 24h+) off and on since I first got pregnant. I ended it when he became physically abusive towards our daughter a year and a half ago. He has since then taken up stalking us (more abuse), and particularly me. The divorce is still ongoing as he is trying to make it as expensive as possible knowing he has the financial upper hand (more financial abuse).

The huge silver lining though is the lightness I and the kids feel not having him around. I too thought I loved him, I thought we could be friends, but there is absolutely no way I want anything at all to do with him once this divorce is finalised. I didn't realise what trauma bond was until I started going to therapy a few months ago and up until then I couldn't work out why I felt like I never wanted to see him ever again. In my mind, he hadn't actually done anything that bad but the therapist has got me to understand that all of the low-level stuff he has been doing for decades has had a much more profound effect on me than I realised. I have stopped protecting him and I tell anyone who wants to hear what he has really been like, even our mutual friends. It's very liberating.

You should see a solicitor - work out what would happen when you separate - who lives where, what money do you have? perhaps talk to CAB, citizens' advice, to see what you are entitled to. How would DCs get to school if you move.
Once you KNOW everything you have power.
Then decide what to do - without all the fear of an unknown future.

Growing up, you learned that fathers and husbands were emotionally detached and had very low participation in family life. It was a poor model. Your children are learning the same lesson.

I should add, though, that you sound amazing, OP. But as a PP said, you’re the one your DCs need to learn from - not your DH.

Im sorry you feel so bad, i understand, ive been there with ex. No excuses for him, but he sounds like he has ADD? What do you think?. You cant solve these issues alone though, hes gotta be on board to contribute...and help himself..long term. I bet youre run ragged. Youre treated badly by your OH. Its abusive. Have you the energy to go through it all again?. I understand the low income situation, there are benefits etc until youre on your feet to look at other options. Xx

I agree 100%. My father was non existent..abusive when he was present. I expected all men to be the same, they haven't disappointed me. Ive had to look at why i chose these men, and it is a childhood issue whereas men were pretty much useless and abusive. Might be useful for OP to seek counselling alone to get to root of it. However, OP nowhere are you to blame xx