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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's ex-H playing at??

4 replies

almonddanish · 04/09/2023 22:31

Bit of background. Separated for 3 years after 17 year marriage. Divorce being finalised. 2 DCs - DD 13, DS 9. ex-H was emotionally abusive to both me and DD (blame, anger, gaslighting etc etc). He's been seeing a therapist and is trying to change his ways, however he's still highly emotional and has regular outbursts over the smallest things, including shouting at the kids (or breaking down crying) for no good reason.

In an effort to protect the kids from all his nonsense, I've managed so far to limit contact to 1 day per weekend and 2-3 evenings per week. Those evenings happen at my house as the kids won't go to his house. I'll usually go out or make myself scarce. The kids feel way more comfortable at home.

He's now frustrated with this arrangement and threatening to pursue 50/50 through the courts. I've told him they don't want to stay at his place and he said he won't force them - "I just want 50/50, if they don't come then it's up to them." So why is he going to fight me for 50/50 if he isn't fussed about enforcing it? Does he think he'll get 50/50 of our assets (current agreement is 65/35 to me as most of our assets were brought to the marriage by me anyway, plus I've gone part-time for the kids and not going to claim spousal maintenance). A new woman is whispering in his ear these days and I think he's a puppet (muppet) on a string...Any ideas anyone?

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 04/09/2023 22:35

Is it to do with child maintenance? If you have a 50/50 agreement it will be hard for you to claim maintenance even if he isn’t actually having them overnight because he has “proof” of 50/50

Whattodo112222 · 04/09/2023 22:36

Tbh your eldest would be listened to in the family court and I reckon they'd make an order for the youngest but the wording could be specific in that contact is encouraged but not forced.
Does he pay cms? 50/50 from an abusive parent is usually just a bullying and control tactic. If I were you, I'd issue court proceedings before him.
The older the children get, the more listened to they are.

ConnieTucker · 04/09/2023 22:39

50/50 on paper means he doesnt pay maintenance. Him not actually having them means he doesnt pay and doesnt parent.

cut out the evenings. It isnt doing the children any good.

almonddanish · 04/09/2023 22:50

Thank you for the replies. No CMS - we pay equal amounts to cover all bills and expenses into a joint account. He pays way less than the CMS amount which I was OK with because of the asset split we agreed.

Interesting to hear that my 13 year old will be listened to in the court, she'd be happy to stop seeing him altogether. So would my youngest but it sounds like that can't happen.

Agree with you @ConnieTucker re the evenings aren't doing the kids any good - it was my attempt at appeasement as otherwise he was going to force them to stay for with him EOW.

OP posts:
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