Stonewalling vs de-escalation and boundaries

[PeanutAndBanana]

Please help me understand.

Walking out during an argument - not "I need some space" or "we can come back to this later" but just "I'm off" and disappearing: to me that is stonewalling but to him that is self preservation and (by extension) preserving us. Because, I assume, he doesn't want to risk sticking around and things going wrong even more badly.

We don't live together so it's easy enough for him to up and go. If he can't up and leave (if we are away, for example), it's the silent treatment for as long as he needs.

I do not like or appreciate this. It was something my parents did to me and each other and I hated it then and now. So I see this - "please don't up and leave in an argument" as a boundary of mine that needs to be respected. He says asking him to stick around when he wants to be alone is just as much an overstep of his boundary.

So, is leaving an argument always stonewalling? And can you have a boundary that - if respected - means the other person is forced to do something they aren't comfortable doing?

(And yes, I know the answer is probably that relationships shouldn't be this much with and why am I bothering, but you know, life is complicated and so are people...)

There’s a big difference between “I need some space for a short while - can we come back to this in an hour/tomorrow/specific time” than leaving you twisting in the wind and punishing you for bringing up whatever it was in the first place.

Does the discussion get picked up again after the cooling off or are you expected to just go back to normal and not mention it again?

It's discussed, if I push the point, but not really with any resolution. The "left twisting in the wind" really sums it up, I think.

He says asking him to stick around when he wants to be alone is just as much an overstep of his boundary.

But not if you never actually get to discuss it.

is his boundary “I will not have any discussion I don’t want to”? Is that a relationship you want to have?
Can he articulate what upsets him so much he has to leave: do you shout or denigrate him, or is this more you expressing you needs and preferences which he isn’t but interested in.

I think @Didsomeonesaydogs has summed it up pretty well, there is a BIG difference. The crucial point, in my opinion, is why it's being done.

If someone wants time to cool off, so that they can come back and discuss things calmly, ideally with an agreed time to return, having been communicated, then that's done to increase the chance of a resolution, and reduce the chances of anyone saying something in anger. I think that's healthy.

If someone refuses to discuss, won't give a time frame, doesn't come back to the discussion, tries to avoid it being raised again, and either ignores you, or lays on a guilt trip when you try to raise it. That's about control. It's about punishing you for daring to argue, or for not just accepting the behaviour that triggered the arguement.

"I expect to be left alone when I'm cooling off, and if you won't leave me alone, I will walk away" is fine for a boundary. But using that to stonewall someone, is not ok. It needs a timeframe, and they do need to actually come back and discuss.

I suffered this.

No harm in having a bit of space and the man picking it up 10mins or an hour later.

I was always faced with 'I don't want to talk about it'

If you do t discuss things and they are buried under the carpet you will never resolve anything in the future and in my case begin to feel mentioning or trying to talk about stuff is pointless and you will feel unheard.

If this is a pattern you need to rectify that.

In his defence it isn't that he won't talk about it, although we are both spectacularly bad at talking about it. And we never really resolve or change anything so it keeps happening.

But that is probably a different issue. And what you have all said about boundaries is helpful as a way of thinking about it, so thank you.

Leaving an argument without organising to come back to sort it when things have calmed down , is stonewalling.

You both really need to talk about things and work them out. Even sometimes if you agree to disagree.

The words 'I feel....' are always good instead of blaming.

I think there's a difference and that comes down to communicating the fact space is needed and that you actually discuss and resolve the issue at hand later.

Whereas what I always had was, being criticized and blamed for something which I would try to discuss only to be talking to a wall that wouldn't look in my direction or respond. They would only talk to lay down more criticism, generally get volatile and then at any given moment just up and disappear into another room or on occasion leave.

That would then turn into silent treatment, I didn't exist, wouldn't respond, communicate or look my way for several hours at a time until eventually they would rage a bit more then it would all blow over and had to be forgotten until the next time.

All that was needed was some form of communication but it never happened.

Agree stonewalling can last a long yime

I have direct experience of this and we are working on it. Some people find conflict so triggering they completely shut down, which is maddening for the person left behind. Others use stonewalling to punish their partner to train them not to 'olé the bear'. And it can be hard to know what's going on and which it is.

Key for you will be in establishing how your partner feels at the impact this is having on you: are they sorry? Do they care? Are they willing to have some therapy individually to work on the way they deal with conflict so as to learn better ways of responding? Are you willing to learn different ways to doing conflict also? If you can each meet in the middle a bit, that is great. If the person is behaving like this because they are just an arse, that is very different and it can take a while to untangle. Some therapy if your own might help you come to terms with whether this relationship can change and, if it doesn't, to help you decide whether it's meeting your needs or not. Best of luck. I know how frustrating it can be!

Poke the bear, not ole the bear