AITA - husband is making me feel like I'm losing my mind

[Queendodo]

We have had a shitty weekend full of arguments again and I can't work out if it's usual end of summer stress and too much time together or if my marriage is falling apart.

This weekend we had planned to go and see Barbie as a family, me Dh and 3 Dc. Youngest DD was messing about during dinner at 6:30 ish and DH got wound up. He asked her to sit at the table and she carried on faffing around. He says ' on a walk this afternoon DD told me she doesn't have to listen to me because you'll let her do whatever she wants' and then tells her she can't go to the movie.
Carries on by saying ' she thinks I won't follow through with this but I am serious' DD comes and sits down but is still pushing it and finding excuses to get up etc. She's 8 so absolutely old enough to sit still for a meal.

I don't say anything at this point but am pissed off as he'd already got tickets and the kids had been looking forward to going all together.

We finish dinner. I go upstairs, he follows and says 'I'll stay home with her and you go with the others'. DH&DD were already winding each other up and I knew she'd be upset and I wasn't that bothered about seeing Barbie anyway so I said he should go. She still didn't believe him at this point. We ended up having an argument, I told him I didn't agree with using the evening out as a punishment/threat and felt upset that he was implying that I'm a soft touch/pushover.

He went back downstairs and told the other DC he was going for a walk and left the house. DD had got upset now and was crying upstairs with me. I rang him and asked him where he was and if he was coming back or not and he got really defensive telling me it doesn't matter where he is and he doesn't know if he's coming back. Movie is at 8:30. It's now 7:15 ish. DD is still crying. I'm feeling stuck as either I just go and take all 3 kids and undermine him or I gamble on him reappearing in time to take the other two and not DD

He eventually comes back at 8, says he shouldn't have used the movie and he'll talk to DD. DD had been crying for 40 minutes on and off by this point.

Ends up everyone can go - he didn't come and talk to me though as knew I was upset. Ends up with the kids calling up to see if I'm ready. End up all walking to the cinema with me still fuming at what a stupid fuck up of an evening it was. Had planned to get changed into some pink clothes and do DDs hair for her etc but none of that happened because she was so upset and I didn't know who was going and who wasn't.

Back story, we've been together almost 20 years. Oldest kid is 13. I have major trust issues as have caught him doing things like trying to make appts on AdultWork when I was pregnant. I can't trust him to do basic things like be home at a certain time or pick up kids on time etc as he always pushed it and will be late. I am fucking furious with him right now as feel as though it ruined our last weekend of the holidays (we ended up arguing on Sunday too) He didn't get up til 11 and then was being all weird about plans. I had to leave to go somewhere at 2 and he was being all 'it doesn't matter what I want to do' and telling me he couldn't take the kids anywhere because I'd have the car. Actually I told him to fuck of within earshot of DS. Not proud. Assume he heard it.

I have lost all perspective of if I'm the problem here and am being totally controlling and unreasonable. He says I don't give him any space to parent and am constantly criticising him. I feel like we are not on the same page in terms of how we raise the kids. I am exhausted with all the arguing and feel like I'd rather be doing this without him. He says I'm deluded and have no idea how hard my life would be without him.

And yes I know the AdultWork incident should have been enough and I should have left. I didn't so too late. I was 6 months pregnant.

If you've got this far well done. I'm drained just typing it all out and aware it sounds utterly ridiculous. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

You are not on the same page with how you raise the kids, 13 years into parenting.
I’m with you - the threat of punishment was completely out of proportion to the offence (messing about at dinner) he turned it into a drama then didn’t follow through anyway.
How is your relationship otherwise? Could you agree on a more reasonable approach together and then back each other up? Or is this the tip of the iceberg?

I don’t think your DH was wrong with his punishment. It’s not nice to affect a family occasion but he gave DD warning and she still continued with her behaviour. You’ve said yourself she’s old enough to know better. Probably this is why DD doesn’t listen to him, because you don’t both agree so he feels he has to back down.

You need to both agree how you will deal with behaviour and sanctions going forward. So for something minor X will happen, for something bigger Y will happen, and make sure the kids know about them.

I agree with @Thelifeofawife I don't think the punishment was out of proportion, your DD was messing about and knew that she shouldn't.

I also think if she did say to him that she doesn't have to listen to him because you will let her do what she wants, then you perhaps need to look at how much of a soft touch you are.

The kids have probably picked up on your stress and division as a couple. Perhaps couples therapy could help if you want to keep trying?

He sounds like a really shitty husband. Leave him. Leave him now.

what you need to do is save, make plans and then move forward on it. You don’t need him. I would not tolerate infidelity or even the threat of it, especially when pregnant. Shows what a shitty character he is.

as for the discipline thing, I think in a relationship you both need to be on the same page and not undermine each other. Also don’t threaten unless you are going to carry through. If you start in this slippery slope the children will learn to play you off against each other and will also think you both are ineffectual.

nonetheless leave the Arsehole. Kick him out of the house and change the locks. Make sure he never comes back into your life as you do not need him.

He asked her to sit at the table and she carried on faffing around. He says ' on a walk this afternoon DD told me she doesn't have to listen to me because you'll let her do whatever she wants' and then tells her she can't go to the movie.

He decide to make an example of Dd infront of you, as she’d said she doesn’t have to listen to him. He was actually trying to get at you.

And who punishes a child for not sitting at the table, by saying she can’t go to a movie? There was obviously a reason why she didn’t want to sit down. Is he one of those parents who forces their child to eat until their plate is empty. If that was my child I’d have said “if you don’t want to sit down and eat with us then go in the sitting room.”

I just won’t put up with my Dd being treated like this. He’s a complete arse.

I don't know.

He may be an arse or not but the big issues at the moment is that the kids are playing divide and concur and are winning.

If you want to stay together, you need to start with this and agree to discuss & agree any punishments for bad behaviour before communicating them. A lot of "mammy & daddy will decide" or "daddy & mammy aren't happy with your behaviour". Joint approach as the division in parenting styles is contributing to the bigger issues in your marraige.

I wouldn't have taken a child who didn't behave earlier and had the film taken away as punishment to the cinema.

She'll run rings round you as a teenager if you carry on like this.

First of all, your relationship issues are separate. Personally I would no longer be in a relationship with someone like your DH, but it is a separate issue but one that is probably contributing to the parenting situation through lack of trust.

The reality is that you are not parenting as a team and are allowing your division to enable your children to undermine your boundaries and rules and make it so that they feel comfortable to disrespect one of the other of you. This then causes more emotional turmoil between you and weakens your relationship further.

If you are encountering behavioural issues with your children you need to agree on a management strategy together and try and avoid undermining each other. No, your DH was not unreasonable in wanting to remove a treat from a poorly behaving child, but he should have agreed a punishment with you before rolling it out. No you weren't unreasonable in wanting a different punishment, but you should not have undermined him in front of your children.