Feeling really down about relationship with a drinker

[LifeWithADrinker]

Im literally on the verge of tears. Im working, just talking to a colleague about their weekend and its been action packed, meals out with friends etc. what have i done? Another miserable weekend has passed where ive done nothing. I cant afford to yet he can spend money on alcohol and going away with friends. Im just left with the drudge of housework, looking after kids

DH has been a big drinker for as long as ive known him. I know i know, why would he change? We had conversations about cutting back etc, having a nice house. Its shit it really is.

i just cant seem to get him to understand we’re breaking up. Its like hes in denial. Hes made no plans to move out (hes had 6 months). Its my name on the rental. Hes just buried his head in booze. I bought the subject up again this weekend and it was like he didnt know about it. To me to fuck off, get fucked if hes moving out etc.

doesnt help around the house
no help with kids
never has any money to spend as a family

we both work full time on average wages. Im sick of scraping by. We dont have sex. We dont do anything together. I just want him gone. Im so angry with myself

If he won’t leave you may have to go to court, unless giving up the tenancy and renting somewhere alone is an easier option for you?
I hope things work out okay, it’s a horrible sit to be in
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/housing/housing-rights-separation/

https://supportnav.org.uk/advice/housing/get-ex-out

thanks for replying. The tenancy is in my name and all bills, he doesn’t bother with any paperwork. Isn't this enough to say he should go?

Unfortunately not. If you are married he has equal rights to live there regardless of the tenancy being just in your name.
My sibling just went through this recently and sought legal advice. Thankfully he did leave in the end but it took over a year.

Legally he has a right to stay in the marital home even if his name isn't on it, HOWEVER if you've given him 6 months and he's ignored it, I would bluff him all the way. Tell him he has to leave and you'll call the police to remove him if he doesn't.

Keep saying to him every time you have a conversation "So how are you doing with packing up, as you know you need to be out this weekend, shall I get your post redirected to your mums?" Keep on and on, broken record. If he gets aggressive this will actually be easier to remove him as you can call the police, of course you have to take into account your safety and the children though.

This isn't easy but you can get him out and it won't last forever. One day, quite soon, you will be free from his oppressive presence in your lives.

I would also suggest you get legal advice asap also re starting divorce proceedings. This is no life for your kids either; they do not need or warrant a drunkard in their day to day lives.

I would also look at obtaining an occupation order to get him out of your home. Again speak to a Solicitor about this.

Thank you i will look into the occupancy order.

i was so close to tears earlier. Ive calmed down now. I just sad for my situation ive found myself in. Ive tried to raise the drinking conversation for years but it just falls on deaf ears. He says he doesn’t drink anymore than anyone else but when ive asked others, they said their partners have 1-2 drinks, not daily. Hes pretty much daily and around 6 drinks.

He can get shouty, mardy and i just hate his attitude when drinking. He works, its not like hes on benefits. I think his mates he hangs around with all drink like this (or make out they do) and that gives him a green light. Im really lonely. I feel that if he left tomorrow i can get on with having a nice clean house/manage money better. At the moment, im so full of resentment that he doesn’t pull his weight.

You simply don't need his acknowledgment of your concerns in order to end the relationship. He will ignore you talking about his abuse of alcohol, and the impact on you. Even more reason to end it. You don't need his acknowledgment or agreement.

He sounds like a 'functional' alcoholic. Denial is their mode of action.

And it will be having a very negative effect on your kids. Have a look here:

nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/

Have you been able to make any progress, @LifeWithADrinker?

Hello, no not really. I hate my life (with him, not the kids of course). Im trying to move forwards but i cant. He wont let me (by acknowledging the relationship is over and moving out/on). I feel trapped. I can see life on the other side but i cant seem to find the pathway to that

He doesn't need to acknowledge that the relationship is over in order for you to move forward. But you must know that.

Couldn't read and run... this is such a sad situation but it doesn't need to be this way. You need to dig deep and find your inner strength (trust me, it's in there, which is why you've been able to hold it together).

In your shoes, I would speak with a solicitor. Does your work offer an Employee Assistance Programme? Do you have any mutual friends or family that you can turn to for emotional support? Start to talk people that the relationship is over, this will make it seem more real.

You will get through this and have a better life for it (and your kids will too) but nothing will change if you don't take some action.

You deserve so much better! I wish you well.

I have a couple of friends with partners who are mutual friends of his too. The partners know but say they dont want to get involved. Fair enough but when they meet up with him it must be like the elephant in the room! They know, but he doesn’t know they know, so carries on the charade. Ive said if he could off load and talk to just one person, it might make it feel more real to him. Atm hes just burying his head, not talking about it and carrying on. It feels helpless

Why don’t you just bring the tenancy agreement to an end when it’s up and move on. Have you got long to go?

Did you look into the occupancy order?

Just file for divorce. My ex was an alcoholic and was inebriated all the time. We couldn't talk, I asked him to leave many many times but he never cared to. I filed for divorce and that woke him up. He moved out within 3 months.

I dont really want to end the rental. I pay a very small rent, i have looked but other rentals out there are extortionate at the moment.

I think im going to have to bite the bullet and do this. Ive given enough time and tried to keep things amicable. Hes just not listening though.

He's never going to listen, OP. I grew up in this situation. It's shit. Prioritise your kids over him.

It was my experience that no one wanted to get involved. Not even his parents would speak to him.
You don’t have to have his agreement to divorce him. Getting him out might be difficult. Is it Housing Association, private landlord, local authority ? His behaviour might break terms of the tenancy if he’s loud, abusive, makes nouse at night.
When he gets abusive you can call the police, you’re scared for your safety and your children’s. Hopefully they’ll remove him and I’d put his stuff in bags outside the door and get the locks changed. He won’t like it but what’s he going to do?
Always remember You didn’t cause this, you can’t control this, you can’t cure this.