Help - marriage over?

[Goldfish105]

Sorry for the long post but I need some support, I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends and family about this whilst I am processing it all.

My husband and I have been together 20 years, married for the best part of that and have 2 children.

Things have not been right for some time. We have had our ups and downs but these past few years more downs then ups. When we have discussed this in the past it has always come down to our sex life and it not being exciting enough or I am not adventurous enough. After discussions I do try but then time goes on and it all slips away again. My husband has brought toys, underwear and has tried spicing it up with text messages and games and I am into it for a while and then I disengage to the point he has said he would rather a sexless marriage then the sex that we have. On average we have sex maybe once or twice a week.

The lack of adventure puts him in a bad mood, he distances himself and does not participate or if he does ruins days out or plans that we have.

I feel like my barriers started to come up a while ago, certain things he has done or said to me has made me start to close down emotionally for example when I try to talk to him about anything to do with general life he tells me he doesn't care and is not interested. When we talk about our problems and I try to explain things from my point of view he says I am making excuses.

I feel that he is unhappy generally in life and life in general is just not exciting enough for him. Sex is a massive factor for him and I no longer know what to do.

I am being a coward as I have not approached the current situation with him, we are barely talking, no intimacy this past week and instead I cry everyday about the situation but don't have the courage to approach it or him about it.

I have all sorts of thoughts going through my head, that we should separate but then I tell myself we aren't there yet. Then I tell myself we can work through it but I then don't raise it with him. My head is so confused and jumbled and I don't know what to do for the best. I keep thinking give it some time so I can calm myself down and not get too emotional when I do approach him but how long do I give it? I can't talk to family or friends I have never been one to share much with people as fear it will turn them against me / us this has come from bullying in the past and over sharing with people before.

What next steps would everyone else take?

No wonder you don’t want sex with him that much. The demands he’s making is pushing you away. I think once or twice a week is more than reasonable so it’s not like he’s going without. I think women are more emotional with sex and if he’s not stimulating you mentally then you are not going to want him sexually.

So sorry to hear this happening to you, how awful. For me his behaviours like ruining plans or saying he's not interested when you initiate conversation are a red flag.

It's like his love and desire are conditional on you being a certain way, more "exciting" than you were before. Like he wants to add toys etc to sex with you to make it "exciting" enough for him. So you as a person then? Does he appreciate you? Is he grateful for you?

One thing is, you cannot make his life exciting for him. Only he can sort out dissatisfaction with his life. Asking you to do that for him, and finding you wanting when you don't provide a magical cure for his dissatisfaction, is trying to push his burden onto you.

You constantly trying to be more exciting all the time would be exhausting. I say would because I don't think you should do it. He will just demand more and more, it's unlikely he will reach a point and say yes this is the right amount of exciting, I'm satisfied now.

Ask him about it. Why does he need more excitement than before, tell him you want to understand. Don't assume you know why, eg after 20 years of marriage he must be bored - that's not true of every marriage. Tell him you want him to be happy but you're wondering if spicing up sex a bit will really achieve that. How long has he felt he needed more excitement? Is it just in sex or other areas too?

You must also let him know clearly how you feel. Then see his reaction.

If he doesn't want to talk about any of this, then that's a massive obstacle to the future of your marriage. Likewise if he's dismissive of your feelings,. Or if he pressures you to try something uncomfortable for you idk like threesomes or something.

Your feelings are important, if your intimate partner disregards them, there's no basis for an intimate relationship. Stand firm in your self-respect, know clearly what you will and won't accept. That's the most important first step I think xx

Marriage counseling.

Mid life crisis man.

I think things are going to spice up whether you like it or not op.

He's acting like a spoilt immature selfish git and I wouldn't be surprised if he's had his head turned with the " I'd rather have a sexless marriage than the sex we have" comment, it was cruel and contemptuous.

Take the power back and start putting boundaries in place, you deserve respect, who the fuck does he think he is.
You are worth more than this constantly tredding on eggshells and being disrespected, he clearly is making no attempt to make you feel loved, wanted or cherished.

You deserve better, he's on a crash course to ruin his marriage and family life, what a fool.