Felt triggered last night

[Onemorebiscuit12]

When I met my boyfriend in 2019 he was single for almost 2 years but he kept in touch with his ex via the phone mostly. No kids etc together. I am not the jealous kind at all but I could see that there was potentially still too much emotion between them. She got quite questiony at times about me and other females on his Facebook and I started to get sick and tired of her name coming up. We had a few disagreements in the end when it was quite obvious he was trying to keep her in some way and hadn't dealt with the past. I went through his phone one day when he was acting strange and he was very upbeat and asking her about her day, her car etc. It appeared to be her that was sending the how are you texts. I then came across a text my boyfriend sent her saying he was thinking about their time together and was sad.

I honestly believe he never meant to hurt me. He was trying to move on too fast. There had been alot of comparions between us looking back. Him encouraging me to have my hair like hers and him telling me how great ugg boots were and saying he'd get me a pair! I had enough and dumped him after 2 years.

We had a year apart. Our paths crossed again. I cautiously caught up with him. He Said to me on the first night we saw eahcother "you do know nothing happened with my ex and I wouldn't ever want her again " he then followed by saying she had met someone and he was really happy for her.

Anyway we've been back together 10 months now. I'm happy to say he never mentions her and I don't feel in her shadow at all!! I feel enough as I am.

I was aware his ex went to Iceland in January this year thanks to fb but my boyfriend doesn't know. So last night me and my partner were speaking about where we'd like to consider going on holiday. He randomly said would you like to go to Iceland area and see the northern lights. I instantly said no It would be too cold for me but I appreciate it would be lovely. He then told me he'd always wanted to go when he was with his ex. He then said the first place she went with her new boyfriend was Iceland. He sorter did a attitude type laugh and then continued to say he'd seen her mum the other day. They'd stopped for a chat and she told him his ex was doing good. He told her to say hello for him. Then he changed the subject.

I went to bed last night and dreamt he told me she'd been in his new flat and he was back talking to her. I've woken up feeling quite triggered by last night. First time he's spoken about her in 10 months. Do you think it was a harmless comment? Or do you think he's managed to hide his feelings all year?

Also he came off all social media platforms in February around the time she had gone to Iceland. Is he just processing?

He’s slipped. She will always be in your relationship, I’d Chuck him back.

Given the reason you broke it off in the first place I can see why it's triggering. Noone can really tell you whats going on with him except him.... but what's striking was how long he didn't move on for. And the fact that though nothing happened, him sending texts about being sad was a boundary crossed whilst in a new relationship. Thats what would bother me, generally, about a partner. You want someone who implicitly understands that certain conversations with exes or people of the opposite sex aren't appropriate whilst in a relationship.

Doesn't sound like he's fully moved on in every way.
Some people do stay with you forever, what that means for future relationships depends on why, and in what way they are still in your head.
I am happily married 21 years, my DH is the only guy for me, I do occasionally think about an ex though, cos he was a special guy... But we weren't right for each other. So that's an innocuous irrelevant thing for me and DH.

That said, I don't mention him, it's just an idle thought when I'm washing up or whatever, and rare... so for me the fact this person still gets a mention it's not healthy, to actually become part of the conversation they've got to be quite present in your mind I think.

I wouldn't be very happy in your shoes, not because she's a direct threat as such, but because there's still a corner of his mind that's on her, what if she ends this new relationship realises she prefers him and calls him up... What's his reaction going to be? From what you've said I think it wouldn't be a straight no.

Just tell him you're upset when he is not defensive and see how he reacts. Or just dump him. Do you like him otherwise? Does he make you feel safe and loved at other times?

He seems a nice guy to me. Different people have different attitudes to exes; some believe an ex should never be spoken to again, others keep in touch and it becomes a genuine platonic friendship. I think it is nice that your bf took the time to chat to his ex’s mother.

Dreams can be very lifelike for a short time, but it is just your subconscious making sense of things. They soon fade. The Iceland thing is just a coincidence. If your bf had always wanted to go to Iceland, he would have planned it with his ex and, when it didn’t happen, he now wants to go with you.

Unless this is a massive drip feed, I wouldn’t split up over a holiday to Iceland and a dream! Are you never going to date anyone who remains in contact with an ex?

This 👆🏻👆🏻

Thank you. What I don't understand is they split up because they had nothing in common. She liked travelling with her friends and he was less sociable. I have been told by his long term friend that his ex treated him like a king but he used to rub Facebook in her face until she fell out of love with him. His auntie also said because she was always off doing her own thing he went online and cheated due to loneliness. His auntie and cousin also told me they had a power struggle over who was the best earner. Other things within their relationship were she owned the house and never charged him rent. In the last 2 years she had demanded he paid £150 a week towards the bills.
I am aware they liked spending. Alot of expensive gadgets clothes etc. So it almost appears their relationship was very superficial. They were rarely home at the same time. But they did go on group holidays with her family or for meals. It was never with his family. Not really sure why they kept in touch when they split up due to a massive lack of trust. He also told me she never cheated but was always showing off and had 3000 Facebook friends. Overall it all sounds dead petty.

In terms off me and him. We are a very content peaceful couple. We both like time at home and the occasional weekend together doing something. We like cooking together and we have a dog we share! This last 10 months it's felt quite happy and content.

I do feel he's stuck somewhere. Weirdly his cousin said in march he will be heartbroken she's moved on. I told him this cousin said this. He said it was inaccurate and he's not at all bothered. He said his cousin doesn't know much about their split and has made her own theory on things. But I'm pretty sure she knows alot as she's told me alot.

He seems mature in every other way. He's late 40s If that gives any context. I do feel he has a hard time forgetting people. His ex before this ex he still thinks about although she's never been involved with him so he has no access to her life.

Honestly seems like it's you who is obsessed with his ex and got him. Why are you devoting this time and energy to detailing their relationship issues to online strangers?

That's not really normal behaviour tbh.

He sounds pretty over it to me.

Personally I'd find the fact he was in a long relationship where there was power struggles over popularity/time and attention/income and this resulted in cheating very off putting.

@NotMadeOfStone

Believe me I've not gone out my way looking for it his family and friends all bring their relationship up even now 4 years on! There was so much drama in it that their split was really negative. That's why it baffles me. I'm not obsessed at all I ended it for a year because I knew things hadn't resolved.

He's late 40s 😳. How old are you OP?

This all seems like playground stuff.

36. Like I said he's mature within our connection it just seems that relationships was allover but he struggles with it.