Partner has a drinking problem

[Stubz123]

Hi all, apologies as this is a LONG thread -

Im here to get some guidance on what to do. I’m 18 weeks pregnant currently, me and my partner were trying for a baby for a year, with one miscarriage in between all of that. Ever since I have become pregnant, my partner has been really on board with everything and will help with house stuff when needed, will make tea when I’m a living zombie, and just is there when I need him - BUT this is not always the case.

Over the past few months my partner has been going out on hefty drinking sessions all day. Now, I’m not talking 10 pints (which is still excessive in my eyes) he will go out at midday, drink all day and drink easy 30 pints and come home at about 11pm - This isn’t a one off this is a regular occurrence, and there are no exciting events he’s celebrating. I have never told him he can’t go out to the pub or to see his friends as I’m not that type of partner, but his drinking is becoming out of control.

His doctor confirmed his liver is working at 80% so cannot drink for 3 months, so of course he’s spent the last 2 weekends in the pub. He hasn’t been working for 3 weeks and hasn’t contributed towards any bills. He has ignored our plans and just chose to carry on sitting in the pub with a bunch of low lives. He has ignored texts and calls from me asking when he’s coming home or even where he is, all while I’m at home pregnant.

it’s incredibly hard because when he is good and sober he is brilliant but unfortunately alcohol and the pub is his number one priority when he’s in that head space. I have told him I’m not bringing a baby into this environment and that things have to change, otherwise I am out.

it’s worth noting my partner going out and staying out late, all day, all night has been a regular occurrence and isn’t something new, and has caused arguments in the past. Stupidly I thought the baby would make him settle down, it seems to have done the opposite.

hormones are all over, mental health is shot - I feel constantly feel sick with nerves, not sure how much more I can take: I know can do this alone but don’t particularly want too. When we are together without alcohol involved we are a proper unit. Not sure what to do, if I should try and support him, if I need to just prioritise myself - heads gone. Any input/guidance/advice or anyone going through something pls help me figure this one out.

if you’re still reading - thankyou 🤣

Sadly, you've learned a very hard lesson. An addict will only change if they want to. He doesn't want to.

If you're keeping the baby or not the isn't relevant for the moment, because you must leave him, right now. This man will destroy your life.

There's nothing to "figure out" here. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic, and you absolutely cannot bring a child into the environment you're living in. This isn't up for debate.

I am really sorry you are going through this stress and worry while pregnant.

I think you have done the right thing to give him the ultimatum that he changes or you leave. You have given him notice that this is his chance to address the issue and raise his child with you. As he has not done that, I think you are absolutely right that this is not an environment which will be healthy for you or your baby.

You have said that when he's sober he's brilliant - but he's not sober. He's in a binge drinking cycle. If anything, the niceness etc could be part of that same cycle. Lots of addicts are also perfectionists.

That is a really scary amount he is drinking. He is putting himself at risk every time he drinks. You must be so upset.

I hope he does overcome his addiction, but while he is still an active alcoholic, I think you need to put yourself first as he is not going to be the parter you need, and this is not a healthy environment for a pregnant woman. You deserve to feel calm, safe and secure on your home as you prepare for your new baby.

He isnt ever sober OP he is just in between binges. thats the issue with alcoholics. Nothing is more important to them than alcohol. not you, not the baby, not the babys safety nothing. Describing his drinking as out of control is an understatement. he is medically drinking himself to death. Sorry but for your safety and that of your child you need to leave him. no one goes into a relationship and starts a family thinking it isnt going to work. so yes, you are probably in shock about this at the moment. but it really cannot go on. He cant possibly hold down a job at the moment and do you want him around your child when they are born? what if in a drunken haze he drops the baby, or falls asleep on the couch with him/her? this is the reality. if you think its worrying now its 100 times worse once you give birth. speak to family and friends. speak to your midwife and your doctor, speak to anyone basically that can give you any sort of help and support. take it all and make a fresh start.

Oh OP I think you know what you must do for your child's sake, if not yours.

He is an alcoholic and until he recognises and accepts that he is, and wants to stop being one, he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.

You surely don't want your child to be an alcoholic when they grow up do you? Because if this man is in your child's life as he or she grows up then it is very likely statistically. It's normalised for them, what a "great Dad" does.

He's already got liver failure on the go, yet even this won't stop him pissing it up.

Do the right thing for your child.

Your priorities are:-
Child
You

everything else

Him.

You can't change him, he'll drag you down.
Leave now, plan ahead, stick to it.
Don't come back in 9 months and say you thought giving him time would work. It won't. Leave now.

He's an alcoholic

He won't change, he's proven this to you.

Ultimatums are pointless, he will not choose you and the baby over alcohol.

This is your life, and unless you leave this will be yours and your baby's life.

Is this the life you want? Of course it's not. Unfortunately you have to accept that this man cannot and will not give you what you need, want and rightfully deserve.

You have to leave. You know you do.

Don’t waste anymore time with this guy. Yes he might be great when sober, but he rarely is. You cannot have a baby around someone drinking 30 pints. I’m surprised his liver is even working at 80% with that volume of alcohol. That’s really scary.

This man is constantly on a comedown from alcohol and I would not readily believe him either when the doctor has stated that his liver is working at 80% either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do not waste any more of your precious time or life with your alcoholic partner. Its over between you and he now also because his primary relationship is really with drink. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You need to leave and from that rebuild your life without him in it day to day. It is your only real option not like it or not because if you stay, he will destroy both you and your child.

Give your as yet unborn child your surname and put in a claim for child maintenance.

You’ve been incredibly naive and irresponsible and now is the time to stop being so. DO NOT BRING A CHILD INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

I'm not someone who casually says "leave the bastard" but in this case I do. I say this as someone who lived with an alcoholic (my ex) for 9 years. It was the worst time of my life. Bringing up a baby alone is hard but trying to do it with an alcoholic will be so, so much harder. It's not fair on your child to bring them in to a home where one parent is drunk most of the time and unable to function as a dad. 30 pints in one day is insane. I'm genuinely surprised he didn't end up dead or in hospital. You can't stop an alcoholic drinking (believe me I tried everything over the years) but you can create a safe and happy home for you and your child by leaving him.

Run for the hills and don't look back. Now.

30 pints a day?! That’s mind boggling - 10 a day is mind boggling! You don’t really have a choice I’m afraid. You cannot bring a baby into this environment. It’s not good for either of you.

You need to leave. He won't change. Go to Al-Anon and get some support.

Not had time to read all thread but.....
I posted one recently Waiting for police to remove abusive partner.
He too could be utterly loving and charming when sober but those times became far and few between.
Alcohol became his priority over everything and he was becoming violent not only with me but my dog.
No children together, thank goodness.
He's gone now, never to return and I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted and my life back.
You must put yourself and baby first.
We can never change them and, sadly, they seldom want to help themselves.

To be honest he sounds crap even when not drinking, he sometimes helps out with house stuff and will make tea when you absolutely can't? Doesn't sound brilliant. But with the drinking on top he's an utter loser.