Being ‘alone’ tips

[Grenola]

I’m working so hard to work thru being alone, lonely too I guess. But mainly to actual time being alone. I’m a single mum to 3 kids, one disabled and have windows of alone time when they at their dads. My life goes from intense obligation to silent loneliness.

i can see I need to be single, because meeting someone leaves me hurt when it ends and I know I am vulnerable to being someone wrong with me. I had adhd and the energy and domaine hit of meeting new people really take me on a journey that isn’t always healthy.

I struggle so much to juggle life but then when ibhave emotybwindows I cry with loneliness. This time I’m trying to ride this wave and develop coping mechanisms. I’m on way 3 of being alone. I have managed a walk, got some shopping for myself ( usually neglect to eat when alone) have done some decluttering, watch a series. This morning I’ve written a list of how today will go and this eve I’m popping to a friends.

have u any tips? My friends don’t really get it as they all married…. Harp on about feeling lonely in a relationship ect… which I get as I’ve been there. But being totally alone is different.

I try to see "completely alone" time as an opportunity to do something I want to do - something I might not be able to fit in in my normal, day to day life.

Sometimes I just do nothing at all. Or potter around the house a bit, gardening, ring a friend for a natter.

I see it as liberating and an opportunity to be a bit selfish without having to worry about the impact it might have on others.

I think it's the lack of 'feeling useful and needed' that's the issue, not that you are alone.

What hobbies or interests do you have OP, I think you need things to do to look forward to when the kids aren't around that you can't do with them there. They don't need to be elborate or expensive. I like challenges like 'watch every BAFTA film winner from the past 20 years', or a jigsaw etc.

I’d suggest using alone time for things you can’t easily do with the dc underfoot - either projects in the house or something pampering for you.

I like to listen to podcasts to fill the silence- I have various ones for different moods. Upping the speed helps as a fellow adhd-er.

Do you know about RSD? It can make our feelings so much bigger, and there may be an element of this at play. And also timeblindness can make the now time seem endless.

When you are out and about, ask a stranger to take your photo, particularly when you are out with your children. It might not seem important if you usually take lots of pictures of them, but make yourself part of the memory you are capturing.

There is a chunk of about 7 years where I basically have no photos of myself after I left my first marriage and its as if those years never existed. I know I struggled with my mental health during that time, but I can't look back and see how far I've come.

I’m a very introverted person and love being alone now I’m older.

A friend and I are both divorcing and she struggles with loneliness but is building herself an amazing set of supportive friends.

Can you work out why it bothers you when the kids are away?

Is it as suggested that you feel a loss because you are so used to being useful, that you’re not sure what to do instead.

Is it because once they are out of the house, you don’t feel you have that ‘other’ person who cares about you and you feel alone in the world.

The difference between extroverts and introverts, is supposedly extroverts get their energy from people and introverts from things (books, tv, gardening etc).

Maybe you need to keep busy in spite of having a hectic life to juggle?

Once you can identify who you are and what you like, it may be easier to develop strategies to help.

I could bore you to death on what I like doing on my own, but unless you are like me, it would be no help to you.

I've been a lone parent for most of my child's life. And now I have a chronic illness too so my alone time has gone through phases.

I used to enjoy making nice food, getting house clean, watching what I wanted on TV, long walks, sometimes seeing friends etc.

Now because of illness I'm unable to do most of those things so although I struggle sometimes, actually even if I feel down, I appreciate having space to fall apart now and again.

I also appreciate permission to not plan or even try to fill the time.... Yesterday I laid in bed for hours doing nothing. I was feeling low but sometimes maybe I need to just be and not do.

Today I have small plans...read in the garden, put a wash on, pop to shop. But I have just flopped on sofa and will probably make coffee and watch nonsense on TV for a bit before anything.

I have a friend who is a single parent and she plans her time with precision. She seems to be rarely alone. I think she gets anxious if she thinks too much when she is alone. I don't have that option so I've learned that I can be alone and not lonely, sometimes alone and lonely and sometimes have some company. I'm ok and resilient no matter what. Even if I'm sad, I'm ok. There is comfort in that. I learnt it in lockdown.

Sorry for rambling!

I am in a similar situation, OP, but you know what I have really come to appreciate? Being able to read a book!

Hours and hours of no kids and complete solitude means an opportunity to get lost in a different world without a care for anyone or anything else.

Of course, if you need something more sociable, online gaming like WoW or Eve can provide the social side while giving you the freedom to log off whenever you feel like it.

@DatingDinosaur it’s is this redundant feeling… and the guilt I get for not being needed

@Hollyhead a list of films is an ace idea. I always go blank in my mind when thinking of one’s to watch. I have heaps of hobbies as I’m an artist but I need new ones ir honk that get me out the house.

@Nonplusultra yes these feelings just be RSD…. Such big irrational feelings of failure and rejection. Just awful. Wish I could have pulled myself out of it on Friday… mt heart hurt.

@chuggabo thays so true. They’re hardly any photos with me in them. Except god awful selfies with my kids!!!

@Isheabastard i think I am embarking on this tbh… this last year has been all about discovering who I am. I’ve realised I’ve people pleased so much all my life with adhd I’m not even sure what I like. I am a mix of intro and extro and I need a balance. But I do get energy from social situations, but think it’s more I fuel it with my energy. It’s like I don’t know who I am with reflected back on other people. Which I don’t think is healthy.

I think I feel great pressure when home alone with no plans, like my life is passing by inneed to bout out there meeting people ect… to get validation. Ooofff think that juggernaut be it! My self esteem needs work I think.

@Windywuss yeah I think u till now I’ve been planning so much to avoid this slump. But it’s good to plan to do nothing. And when low it’s ok to wash over us… I’m also reading in the garden today. A small plan… it’s positive framing isn’t it… not home alone but sitting in garden reading which is bliss realky. Hope your ok today…

@Skethylita yes reading is something I am getting back into. I think I need to value that time to do it and not think god is that all I have to do! Havnt ever done online gaming… maybe I should try! I get very over stimulated gaming tho and Often scram and yelp!!

thanks everyone… your posts have helped so much and helped me work out my thighths and feelings x

Ohhh well if you're an artist then this makes more sense 😜 I was one once and still an artistic soul. Book sounds good.

What kind of films do you like? I like to have a mini film festival now and then (alone....in my house 😆). I sometimes pick a director or actor and watch two or three over a weekend.

I am ok today but touched you asked. I'm a bit sad, bit I'll but I've put some ratatouille on to stew and have just poured myself a glass of wine...how decadent. My book is for later. Reading Simon Mayo's Knife Edge. V good page turner!

@Grenola Some online games are quite repetitive for each quest (say, slaying 30 enemies or gathering 25 plants) and therefore actually really relaxing, unlike console games for which you need such a fast reaction time. Do give it a go :)

Ooo I will. We have an Xbox and PlayStation… only ever watch Netflix or Apple TV on then tho!

Ooh yes gaming is a really good shout, it was my favourite hobby pre kids but now extremely lapsed. Skyrim is an amazing game which shouldn’t be too yelpy!

Single parent here too - and kids are getting older so discovering chunks of time alone.

I've started going to the gym and doing weights which gives me a sense of purpose, is something for just me and gets me out of the house.

I've done a cpuple of events via MeetUp which were OK and try and plan things in advance so I have at least one thing in my day to do.

The meeting someone thing is hard - I get that. You can't afford to get your equilibrium shaken by a break up - but you need people in your day from the sounds of things. So plan things that bring you that.

@Windywuss i think if your creative or been an artist you kind of get tired eith being creative sometimes!!! I feel exhausted by trying to be inspired all the time!

your afternoon sounds very decedent! I’ve gone all out in the sun with bikini and lounger and fruit salad! I’ve since been invited to a pub and a bonfire. It’s weird because I feel so beholden to people inviting me on aces that when they do I want to say no in a weird independent act of defiance!! Silly really

i love lots of films…. Might try and rent the recent Wes Anderson’s film.

im glad your ok, it’s wierd we can be ok but still sad.

@StickSeason have looked at the meet up things but they don’t seem like my kind of people… but maybe I need to just try it?!

maybe a weekly class on a Sunday would be good for me to be commit to

I describe it as feeling frozen when I don't have them. I get overwhelmed with ideas of things to do when I have them but looking forward to having my time (which I tend to do nearer the end of our time when I'm flagging a bit) and then I just freeze.

I'm also nursing a broken heart after having a relationship, where I found I had no time at all and if I did I would freeze and get even less done. So it's no doubt just a very tricky time.

There are some good ideas here which I'll look at too. I think giving yourself permission to do nothing might be important. I tend to get more done when I'm busy, so maybe that's how I need to frame it - I did most of my jobs when I was busy, now I can relax.

I totally get this too. I find planning your day helps. Even if its boring things like 'cutting the grass' or stripping beds. Having a list of tasks and/or things to do over the day can really help. I just started practicing mindfulness which I actually used to scoff a bit at. But I absolutely love it and it really does relax me and put me in a better place.

@Grenola I love how your afternoon spans summer and autumn in one fell swoop... bikini, sunlounger and ...bonfire 🔥🤔😆

I don’t know if this helps but I’ve been married 9 years (together for 27 years with two grown up kids) and I’ve never felt more alone. Loneliness is a state of mind which sounds dumb but I’ve found this to be true. My DH has fallen asleep drunk (he drinks everyday) and I’m now spending a NYE on my own again, I’ve lost count of how many times. Sometimes I wish I was single as this would make all these feelings acceptable. But this new year I’m going to discover new things for me. Fuck him. I’m financially trapped and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it with the state this country is in. I suggest you rediscover things you used to feel passionate about as your younger you. Learn something new, learn a language, a musical instrument, anything!! Because I’m done with feeling so lonely even though I’m paper, I have a husband.

I totally understand the feeling of intense demand to emptiness. I don't know op but it is hard.

I relate to much of this

Give it time

i was great in the run up to Xmas
also a single parent and my son has sen

and then this holidays floored me !
my usual mindset has shifted to feeling all alone and lonely
and the booze hasn’t helped

May I heartily recommend some exercise class
and gym when you have the alone time ?

basically the exercise is a win win as you feel good after , and get some minor social interactions as part of it