Sick of husband not helping

[Sunflowerlily]

We have a 2 year old DD and I’m just done in to the ground with exhaustion and feel like I get no help and I’m sick of it.
my husband works 7-7 during the week so doesn’t see our child or get involved with nursery drop offs, getting her ready, bedtime etc. that’s fine cos it’s the job he does. However at the weekend he doesn’t get up with her, he rarely does bedtime and most of the care falls to me.
I also work 3 days a week in a demanding job, I do everything round the house (shopping, appointments, buying DDs clothes, washing, bills). Every time I bring up that I need more help he says something like ‘tell me what I need to do and when I need to do it’. This winds me up cos 1. Can’t he figure it out himself 2. I’m not his bloody manager.
im constantly in a bad mood because I’m so tired and lonely, I have no hobbies because I can’t get any spare time to do anything I enjoy and I am living in his hometown with no friends. He calls me out on being miserable and he’s right - of course I’m miserable I have no life and no support.
he went out last night and came back blind drunk at 1am, takeaway crap everywhere, fell asleep on sofa, lights left on everywhere and is still fast asleep now and I’ve been up with DD since 6.
just needed a rant.
how do I get through to him that he’s useless and needs to change??

It is a very frustrating situation for you, OP.

Mumsnet taught me very early on – one of the big mistakes we make when it comes to parenting is we often default to the language of the father 'helping' the mother or 'helping' with his children. This is very wrong. He is your DD's father and he is required to parent. Yes, he may work intense weeks and want to slob out in the evenings or all weekend but when you're a working parent of small children, you can't do that. When you're home, you're parenting. We've all been there. It's good if you and he can work things so that you each get a lie-in or a bit of time to yourselves but in the early days of parenting, it is all go. So this is not about him helping, it's about him parenting his child.

It's annoying to have to tell him what's needed and this could be strategic incompetence but it may not be. My friends and I commonly experienced that our partners needed more direction about what to do with our little ones whereas we could just get on with it, but once that guidance was given our partners did what was needed and became more active and confident. It does seem to be more obvious to mums than to dads – perhaps because women are more tuned into caring, anticipating needs, making schedules etc etc. Whatever the reason, you probably do need a session with him where you sit down and between you work out the different tasks that need to be accomplished and then insist that he does his bit. This might involve you actually taking yourself out of the house and leaving him to get on with it for half a day or something so he can learn what it's really like and build his confidence. I know this sounds daft when your DD is already 2 but the status quo isn't working and this is your best shot at positive change.

Try to have the conversation when you're both calm. Spell out as clearly as possible what you need. Make the point that you also need time for yourself including to try and make some friends because your world has become very small. Try to focus on how you feel and what your DD needs from him rather than blaming him because a conversation like that is likely to spiral very quickly into accusations and defensiveness. Maybe even write it in a letter and give it to your H to read so that he can absorb it and then you can discuss it. Or take notes of your conversation so it can be turned into a schedule if need be.

Did you resolve this in any way @Sunflowerlily ?