Hand hold, he’s just left

[Newbz1986]

Had been with DH for 9 years. Have one little girl aged 2 who has SEN. Have had problems from the off if I’m really honest with myself, sometimes I have thought it to be emotional abuse.

• has worked very sporadically over the course of our relationship. Always trying to get a job but maybe half heartedly. I would’ve just got any job in that situation but he did not
• lots of mood swings. Can get sulky and not good at saying why he’s upset
• big blow outs but latterly much less frequent where he takes disproportionate offense to something I’ve done and has said nasty things (I’m lazy, I don’t think of him at all etc)
• does some childcare but not half I would say and very little housework

the kicker was my being diagnosed with cancer not long ago. He has given me some support but has managed to turn it round on him - he’s depressed, can’t cope. When I mention it he has said ‘oh pulling the cancer card again’ which is pretty off.

he’s also been quite hard on our child very recently and I don’t think he accepts her issues (hasn’t engaged in the ehcp process for example)

anyway it came to a head the other day and I said I wanted him to leave. He has gone to his stoner friends house and is clearly just lost in a fog of getting stoned.

I know it’s clearly the right thing to do to end it but I feel shit. Still in cancer treatment, so worried about the future and how I will cope with our kids sen which are very unpredictable. Also don’t know when and if he will come and see our child which makes me on edge. I just feel sick and am not sleeping.

money wise I should be ok but I don’t know how I’m going to fit my job around childcare (currently off sick) and if I lose it I won’t be able to afford the mortgage.

sorry for the essay. Does anyone have any guidance for these early stages?

No advice to offer, but I just want to say to stay strong, keep pushing forward and don’t let him back.
Get advice from a solicitor, make a will, and make it known what provisions you want for your child as he’s a drug dabbler.
Good luck 🤞🏻

well done op, you’ve done the hard part in getting him to leave.
keep reading what you’ve wrote here, or write a list down you can keep adding to, to remind yourself why you did it, and that you’ve done the right thing. You deserve so much better.

it does feel shit, there’s no fast forwarding through this bit. Sorry. One day at a time. Your life will get better. Imagine where you want to be in 12 months time, this is a blip and it will pass.

Re childcare / ehcp - find out what support you are entitled to, what is provided etc. you’re obviously not going to get any financial support form the waste of space that is her father, and sounds like he’d be no use for child care either.

sorry you’re going through this while you’re facing cancer treatment too.

So sorry you are going through this. It’s such a worry knowing where to start. If you’re eligible for universal credit then you can claim 85% of your childcare costs back so then you wouldn’t need to leave your job.

Big hugs. You have done the right thing.

Check if you are entitled to any benefits. Apply for single adult council tax.

Focus on staying healthy and knowing that you have absolutely done the right thing. Lean on family and friends for support.

Based on what you have said about him, I think it’s very possible that he won’t see you child very often, if at all. I’d be planning to move forward on that basis.

Womens aid has a list of lawyers who are used to dealing with difficult cases. Email them and ask for a list for your area.

Know that there will be good days and bad days. Vent on here. Also try reading old threads for useful tips and stories of hope.

He’s just awful.

You’ve done the right thing and shed a huge selfish burden.

I wish you luck with your treatment and recovery.

Most important question, do you have critical illness insurance?

contact Mcmillan cancer support today and ask for an appointment to outline financial help.

What is your job? Will you be able to continue to do it throughout treatment? This is the key question really.

If not, can you move back in with your parents and rent out your home to get the mortgage paid? make sure you take out proper landlord insurance though, you don't want to be dealing with hassle.

Can your parents help with child care?

But contact Mcmillan today and make an appointment ASAP -

I have sick leave on full pay for another few months and I do have critical illness cover through work, though that would only cover a portion of my salary.

dd keeps asking for daddy, it’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what to say.

Hi OP, I split with STBXH two months ago. The first few days were hard but now I am gradually coming out the other side, it is so much better. I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis.

First off, speak to the people in your life about what's happening. Friends, family, whoever you would lean on for support. Don't try to do it all alone.

Speak to work about what's happening as well. I know you're on sick leave just now, but if you're employer is the type to give you full pay sick leave, they might have support you can access through occupational health. I'm getting counselling through work.

Take control and sort out the practical stuff. Get his shit out of the house. Work out the best option for custody (you need to look at what's best for the child here and not what you want which is hard but necessary) and tell him that is what is happening. Although I'd work on the assumption he's not going to have your child based on what you've said.

Look on benefits calculators to see what you would be entitled to. You may be entitled to UC. If your child has a diagnosis you may also be entitled to carer's allowance and PIP. Apply for everything. Get him off the council tax and any other utilities he may be listed on.

I rent so it was different for me. You will need to look into how it works if your DH is on the mortgage etc.

Look on the CSA calculator and work out how much he should be paying in maintenance. Ask him for that amount. If he refuses, make the claim. Even if he doesn't pay anything, still make it to demonstrate you have gone through the correct process.

Read the book Women Who Love too Much. This book (along with a few others about co-dependant relationships) has been am absolute eye opener for me. The scales have fallen from my eyes and I am finally putting myself and my needs first.

Focus on yourself in all this. Do not expect anything from him. Do not worry about him or what is fair for him. Focus on yourself.

Also don't sit around waiting for him to decide if and when he wants to do something. Take control and tell him what is happening.

@Legocrayola thank you for replying. I think it was very codependent yes. I am really struggling now with not feeling guilty and worrying about him, which I guess is part of the problem?

do you have dc? I kind of want to see how he will behave before bringing up the custody issue. I really have no idea what he wants. And I don’t want to arrange anything when he is stoned.

have you contacted Mcmillan?

I am concerned that you are getting distracted by less important stuff, when applying for benefits, insurance etc could take months, and needs to be started ASAP.

Have you been in touch with HR at work? You need to know exactly what money you get when, and when it stops.

Don't give your ex any head space, get on with sorting yourself out. There will be days when you are not up to it, so do it now.

Best wishes 💐

We have two DS who are 8 and 10. 10YO is autistic as well, so I was really worried about how he would cope with changes in routine etc.

I am fortunate in that STBXH is comparatively hands on the kids and my kids are much more independent. So we were able to agree on 50/50 without a struggle. The kids have adapted well and I like to think that is because STBXH and I have kept it civil and taken all emotion out if it when dealing with them.

STBXH is an alcoholic and probably autistic too (he is very similar to 10YO DS). I buried my head in the sand abour his drinking for our entire 21 year relationship. He was cold and never really gave me the affection I deserved. Its only now looking back on it all i realise that I picked a man who was identical to my mother🙄who is equally cold and emotionally incompetent.

It's not easy. But you can do this. The first few days were really hard for me but I got through them by focusing on the practicalities. I still have days where I miss him. But I know it's not him I miss. It's the ideal relationship we could have had (but never actually did) that I miss.

Thank you. No not yet but I think I have covered all bases (I talked to hr in detail when I was diagnosed). Not entitled to anything unfortunately as earn too much. My only concern is how I will work flexibly when I go back, but as I will be classed as disabled they will have to make reasonable adjustments anyway.

I’m very impressed that you have done so well.

got a half arsed message today just asking how we are. I want to not discourage him seeing our daughter, but I also want him to drive contact. I don’t want him to feel forced into it as dc will notice that. I also don’t want to have any big conversations when he is on drugs.

Will you be on full pay for the duration of your treatment?

Yes luckily though waiting for confirmation from the doc currently what the plan will be

Are you in context with your mum? Could she come and stay with you if you need her for a couple of weeks? Or someone else?

He came back last night, complete shock. I’ve told him I need to be on my own and he left again. He’s staying in a hotel because he won’t tell his parents (they are awful). He has access to a bank account we have rent money paid into. The rental flat is in his name for tax reasons. I had written the whole thing off thinking worst case in a divorce settlement he would have that (less than half of everything and I think he wouldn’t go for more) but I find it so awful he’s wasting money on a hotel. I feel like he doesn’t really get how serious it is, and also I will have to keep reminding him we are separated whenever he comes to see dc.

my mum will come and stay when I have radio, yes.