Feel betrayed

[Hi246]

A few months ago I attended a party with my other half. During the party I went to see him, he was talking with a group of men - all of which I knew (apart from one I'd only met on one other occasion where I'd been nothing but nice to him and his wife). There was quite a strong blokey feel to the conversation, a couple of male friends had come away saying that testosterone was high and they didn't feel welcome. I'd had a few drinks though (not drunk) and felt I could rely on the security of my partner. I asked one of the others if I was sitting in his seat. I wasn't trying to be flirtatious, just friendly, but was probably looking for conversation. The male who I didn't know began laughing and then commented to a different man entirely (I don't know if he was pissed and didn't realise) that from my question 'he wondered if I'd been asked to open my legs.'

My initial reaction was extreme anger, I'm too old to accept this shit off men and the man in question is in the police, which makes it more revolting. I may have been looking for conversation but was in no way making advances towards anyone my husband was next to me.

I went home as just felt tearful and didn't want to come across drunk. I messaged my other half who didn't reply; I'd told him someone had been really rude but in honesty I darent give details as I really thought my other half would hit this man. I told him the full truth when he came home and he said he was so sorry it had happened. He seemed concerned for me, but not angry with this man.

Next social event tonight with these people. I held my head high as best I could. This man approached and did a pathetic wave in my direction, I was forced to nod and say a curt 'all right" before ignoring him.
I could tell something had been said.
It turns out after talking to my partner, my partner had mentioned to a mutual friend to see what he witnessed. He said nothing ( he was there, but well oiled, so may not have heard anything). My partner then let the man who said the offensive statement speak to him for 5 mins (prior to him doing the pathetic wave thing with me).

Honestly, once apon a time my OH would have hit him for being so disgusting. Now it seems He will have a drink with someone like that and hear him and witnesses out to see if its true. I feel so hurt and have told him so 💔

I really feel for you. Your husband didn't assault someone to save your honour!

Thank you. I really didn't want him to - which is why I didn't say on the night. I get that it sounds immature and that I'd have preferred violence- I really didn't and don't want that.
I think I'm just trying to emphasise the strength of feeling I thought it would create, against what it did, which was disappointing.
But I'm happy to hear I'm in the wrong.

So you didn't say anything at the time in case your partner (husband?) turned violent, but now you're annoyed he didn't turn violent tonight, a few months after the event?

And you're also annoyed that he did the same thing as you, and basically let the man wave/talk before ignoring?

Is that right?

Maybe you're right. Feel confused now 😕

I don't think either of you are in the wrong really because the horse bolted a few months ago.

And it sounds as if tonight, you were both just trying to let it go and get on with the evening.

The guy's a vile twat anyway and I think you both did the right thing in not giving him the attention he clearly craves.

I didn't want violence no, I'd have been mortified- just some loyalty I think.

Yes thank you perhaps you're right

Your husband doesn’t need to stick up for you. Stick up for yourself. Draw your own boundaries.

I don't understand the comment he made...but personally I'd have stopped and asked him to repeat it, thus putting him on the spot and highlighting his behaviour.
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing" (snigger snigger)
"It sounded like you said something about me opening my legs but I might be wrong, because that would be outrageous. What DID you say?"
Watch him squirm while everyone looks on. Paddington stare.

I don't know why you're playing damsel in distress so long after the event. It wouldn't be appropriate for your husband to bring it up now, given YOU didn't do so at the time.

I completely understand OP and would feel the same. It feels like back in the day, they’d be disgusted to hear someone disrespect you - they care about how you are made to feel by others and WANT to defend you to ensure you’re okay and justice is there. You expected that to still be the case but instead your own husband checked the story out rather than trusting your word for it and didn’t tell the lad to grow up and not be disgusting / refuse to be around a low life, but instead did barely anything than potentially say “not really on mate”

I know we can defend ourselves but it is nice to think you don’t have to because your partner acts like one and wouldn’t associate with such. Even if, because violence isn’t the answer, he went and refused to engage with someone like that.

A man defending you / sticking up for you / respecting you over their lads is so unbelievably sexy. My opinion anyway!

Thanks ladies for both opinions, critical or sympathetic. I've always admired people with the courage to be forthright in situations like these. In reality, i suppose neither of us had the courage to act in a brave way. And it should have started with me.
I don't know many that would have been able to stare it down and call it out - I've met a couple of women that strong, but mostly it's something I've seen in movies. I just felt angry, hurt and walked away seething. I'm perimenopausal and sensitive I suppose - a few years ago I just don't think he would have said it; I just felt I was being put back into my place. 😭 my issue though I suppose, he will always be a drunken twat I could try and be more resilient.
I've apologised to my other half for being hard work and said I don't want to fall out about some idiot anymore.

I think you're minimising your feelings. There's no right or wrong, so you've recognised you're not 'right' and apologised for having your feelings in the first place. But you're supposed to have your feelings, respect them, express them, and they are supposed to be respected by those who love you.

Does your partner understand why you were upset? Does he respect that feeling? Are you actually sorry, or are you apologising to him for a feeling that you still have, which is that you would have liked him to back you up?

My partner hasn't understood me for a while if I'm honest, he can't understand how emotional I've been in general.
I feel at this point in my life I'm not as attractive, older, less visible. I feel like no one's interested in what I have to say. So being minimised to just being someone desperate to attract men by opening my legs really stung. A younger me would gave shook it off better, but he would have defended me more a few years ago too. So mixed feelings in honesty. I get that I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I do believe he's a good man who loves me, he still finds me attractive. Just not quite sure how to sort my head out at the moment.

If he'd done as you wished, he could of been in a whole world of shit by hitting a policeman, so it's just as well he didn't.
Have you considered that he may not have been just friendly chatting to him, but sussing him out and also distracting him so he didn't approach you?
I think this is a reflection on how you're feeling down on yourself in general. Perimenopause is shit I know, I'm in the throws of it, you are not alone.
However, it's odd that you say you know of no friends who would have been able to stand up for themselves. My stock reply would of been somewhere along the lines of either " you wish" or " don't be a dick", then move on from it. You must of heard crap like this over the decades you've lived, its not right, hopefully our DC's generation will behave better, but it happens lots with older men - relics of a bygone era.

Thank you

I do keep saying though- I really, really, really didn't want him to hit anyone. Honestly, I didn't. Like you say whole world of shit and we'd be socially ostracised for that,we're all grown ups, that would be mortifying. I didn't want that - I just feared it as twenty years ago he would have struggled to contain himself over something like that toward me.

And yes,I do know of people who'd have said something like you've suggested. Just not a massive showdown in front of everyone as suggested by a previous poster. In reality, I didn't say nothing, I did ask him to repeat what he said, but he blanked me like I was worth nothing and shouldn't be there. I am drawing a line on it because this man doesn't deserve all this and quite likely doesn't even particularly remember it. He's been socialised in a very male chauvinistic environment. Out kids are growing up amongst views that are so polar opposite that they'll struggle in other ways I'm sure.

Since I've posted on here,I have considered a lot more in terms of my other half's motives to tread carefully around the situation. I know he doesn't want to hurt me or make anything worse. It is what it is I suppose.

Your post is a bit confusing and i don't quite understand this desire/expectation that your H should want to hit people just on your word. And that its bad he wanted to understand what actually happened by asking others who were there. Especially as misunderstandings happened when people drink.

In general - you do sound like peri is affecting you - have you done anything about it? Ask your GP - you dont need to feel unhappy and low with it. There are options!

Its not just in movies that women can stand up for themselves. And in my experience - by peri age most are much better at it - and more confident in not taking crap.
So - i do think you need to sort out your peri and not just give up on your self esteem. You arent old and invisible. And you dont need men to prop you up.

(also at parties - find your female friends and supporters. Women are a great source of strength. Why would you even want to join in blokey testosterone drunk men talking their male talk - thumping their chests???)

I don't want anyone to hit anyone. Really, really, really i don't. I made the comment that I wanted to back away from any risk of this initially.
Never did I say I wanted him to do it.
What i did want was him to feel protective of me, and to believe me. To believe my word, but not to hit anyone because of it. You can't really misunderstand something as crude as what was said, can you?

Women are great and I talk to them plenty too. I dont seek out the company of men and desperately want to be part of solely their company. I had no one else to talk to and saw my partner and thought I could he included for a chat that's all.

You're right though who needs it. I do feel like not bothering socially at all sometimes.
I've been to the GP several times and had bloods. I've had a scan and am on iron for anaemia. My blood show low end of normal levels of testosterone, they've said no need for HRT. I dont want to be on it if I'm not in perinenopause but I read stuff online about levels fluctuating and not being accurate, and that things should be judged on symptoms.
I don't think I'm depressed/anxious all the time but I do wonder if HRT would make me calmer and happier. I'll contact the GP again

Did you mean oestrogen? (Testosterone isnt really measured in women)
If you are mid40s+ and feeling more sensitive/emotional and have other symptoms - say changes in sleeping patterns, or levels of energy, etc - chances are your body is slowly preparing menopause. And tests can be imprecise as these are fluctuations or hormones. And they affect people in different ways.

As to what actually happened - your H was there - wasnt he? So it is also possible -
that he had his own recollection that wasnt as obvious as what yours was.
So - its completely reasonable for him to ask - as people’s memories are notoriously unreliable. And people do mishear and misunderstand.

I dont know if you are depressed or anxious. You do sound down and something is affecting you. And its possible you H has picked up on that too. And its good he hasnt overreacted.
But - you cant rely on him to prop you up.
Your MH and your feelings are your own reaaponsibility

Thank you
This makes a lot of sense.
I'm not who I was at all.
I was left to decipher my own results to be honest I looked at normal ranges and what people were saying online. It was definitly testosterone that was low, the rest appeared normal. I had them done again 10 months later at my request and they were similar.
I have heavy periods that cause anaemia. Periods of feeling low and sad, like I've had the better part of my life. I'm 43. My friend died at my age and what she wouldn't have given to have the rest of it - it's potentially only a half way point isn't it. I've had a variable libido that's caused problems with my partner. I have achey joints and feeling tired etc. I get on with things at work though and feel ok there so it's not all the time.
I try and explain to him about changes that are probably happening but I think he just attributes these things to old ladies 😒 and it's hard with no official back up from a medical professional, I feel like I'm going mad. It remember the moodiness with puberty and pregnancy etc and this feels like waves of hormones, just like it did at those times.
I'm going to chase this though and see what can be done. Thank you for taking the time to help.

@Hi246

You are 43!!!! Not ‘older women’ and certainly way too young to feel invisible.

It is strange they did a specific test for testosterone as its not usual. Its done when investigating infertility or for very specific symptoms. It being low could explain your low libido. Also - tiredness.

But you are a bit young for peri - and with aching joints - something else may be going on. It may be thyriod, etc.

Go to GP - try to get a female one and insist on being checked out properly.