Worried about my son.

[Shootin]

Hi
So my DS IS 26 yrs.
3 years ago his world fell apart when he was falsely accused by his so called friend accusing him of raping his younger brother when he was 12 years old. , I’m certain accuser and brother have got BPD. The family are narcissistic and are jealous of my DS and our family.

So DS had a voluntary interview with the police and there was no further action. The accusations were ridiculous and far fetched. The police advised us to have no contact with them. ( I felt like ripping their fecking heads off!)

The accuser had gathered all DS friends ( all been through school together) and went into a rage and told them what the awful things DS had done to his brother. I think he the accuser needed an Oscar for his acting. At this time his friends cut DS off, he was distraught. His then friends couldn’t understand why he didn’t speak to the accuser. He had a breakdown had suffered with panic attacks.

Some weeks on one of his then closest friends realised these accusations were not true he tried to get in touch with him- my DS blocked him.

He has got true friends ( from uni that live faraway)

So fast forward - after counselling ( his work provided this) and fantastic support from Victim Support and other organisations his mental health improved.

DS has got a GF ( dating app). Unfortunately she has got mental health issues - suffers with anxiety. He’s been with her for 2 years.

Here is the reasons she has anxiety-
*Her ex BF forced himself on her without consent
*Been physically abused and emotionally abused by her dad when she was younger.
*she doesn’t get on with her Mum even though she lives with her rent free.
*She smokes weed everyday for her anxiety. She’s 25 yrs old.

She is currently having therapy.

When she comes to our house we always make her welcome. She can be quite chatty sometimes.

Their relationship just started off as friends but after about a year it got more serious.

Since July has come back living with us for a while ( he had been living with his friend in Leeds ) so his GF has been staying with us on most weekends. He will be moving in his new apartment next week - which he will be working from.

About 6 weeks ago my neighbour told me that in the early hours of the morning my DS and GF were sat in his car and she was screaming at him accusing him of looking at other women.

On another occasion one morning I was getting up I could hear Gf whimpering at him in a distressed state. Later I asked him about it and he explained to me that GF friend didn’t want her to go on holiday with her and bc DS wasn’t taking it seriously she got upset.

Furthermore about a fortnight ago we could hear her crying and apparently she had had a nightmare.

Finally ,last night I had gone to bed early and at 11 0 clock my husband woke me up bc GF was crying again. After this I just could not sleep.

So this morning my DS and GF left to go to her Mothers he will be back on Monday. My hubby said DS looked tired and miserable.

Myself and hubby are so worried. My DS is like a lost soul. And GF Is dragging him down. I think she could be manipulative. Gf probably senses my DS vulnerability and feeding off each other. He used to be very confident. He seems to be tip toeing around her.

We are going to have a word with him on Monday when he’s back
Of course he is a grown man and I don’t want to be interfering. So any advise please?

Hi @Shootin
I'm so sorry your son has gone through all this. Considering what he has been through he sounds like he has turned out to be a level headed good man. You also sound like a supportive nice family. I think if you have a chat with him he will listen. I hope things get better xx

I think all you can do is ask if hes ok, mention her episodes. Say your concerned and always there for him if he wants to talk. Then back off. You dont want to cause bad feeling if hes hell bent on the relationship. Could he do an activity with his dad? Would he open up to him vs you?

I can see why you’re protective but you really don’t want to meddle. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything wrong and it might just be they aren’t very compatible. On the other hand, she’s one of the few people he’s got in life to help get him through that trauma.

Summer - thank you for your advice. Really appreciate it.
Luisa. He tends to open up more to me. Yes I agree that we should just express our concerns then back off. Cannot think of any activities. But I will mention I am always here for him. Thank you.
Annaishere Time will tell what happens to their relationship His mate that he used to live with has moved back to the same city as DS. unfortunately GF doesn’t like him - he’s a lovely lad and very popular with the girls. GF refuses to speak to him making it awkward all round. 🤷‍♀️

So sorry your son has gone through this, it's awful. I'm going through something similar but not to that degree but I have been falsely accused now having to defend myself for doing nothing at all.

I can relate to the GF situation too, my relationship with my wife was very much like this when we first met and at the time I didn't really see it for what it was. I was screamed at, accused of cheating, dreams thing and this victim story that over the years became a lot of people... endless crying over everything and was always my fault somehow.

Fast forward a decade I have come to the realisation I've been in an abusive marriage and made me very sick. She turned on me, taken everything, falsely accused me and is withholding our children.

I'm not sure how you can help him, I didn't see it and it was love bombing to the extreme. Just maybe give him a warning that relationships aren't supposed to be that way and to be careful he doesn't end up like me.

I would talk to your son and gently express your concerns. Your son has come through a difficult time and his girlfriend sounds like hard work. Not her fault of course as she's had previous abuse, but a lot for your son to have to deal with.
I would encourage him to still see his best friend, his girlfriend shouldn't be vetoing his friendships. Also his girlfriend sounds like she would benefit from counselling and l would mention this too as it sounds like currently your son has ended up in this role.

Many thanks for this. Much appreciated.

Thank you so very much for this. There’s some good advice here I will take on board.