Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Do I leave him tomorrow?

17 replies

catieclones · 02/09/2023 20:41

Yesterday dp finished work early at 3pm and went out for drinks, he got home at 6 and then went back out at 8. I said I didn't mind but for him not to be back at silly o clock because I had a 12 hour shift today and he had the kids dd4 and dd1 all day. He came in at 4AM. He turned his phone off all day so I haven't been able to check on kids, got home at 8pm, kids are wide awake & the house looks like a bomb site, dog hasn't been FED or walked. My eldest said he's been shouting at them all day (because he's hungover & cba). I've been wondering lately whether I am still in love with him or if I just stay for an easy life. Mainly because I can't imagine having to share my kids and not see them every day. I really don't know what to do but I feel like I'm at breaking point. He is quite good in general with kids, never gets up in the mornings with them, doesn't help around the house, but works hard & pays the bills. We don't have a sex life & argue quite a lot. I just feel like we are different people. But everyone I speak to says we're struggling because our kids are young & we will be better once they're older. I see couples getting married & look so in love and I don't feel like that. I really don't know what to do. Obviously we've been through a lot in 8 years and I don't want to throw it all away but I just can't put up with this shit anymore...

OP posts:

FlamingoFloss · 02/09/2023 20:44

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

jolaylasofia · 02/09/2023 20:47

My advice is give it a few days because you are fuming at the moment, sit down and have a talk with him. Don't make any hasty decisions.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 02/09/2023 20:48

He didn't feed the dog? Tell him to fuck off and stay fucked off. You can't assume he will feed the kids in future either. What a horrible selfish nasty person

Original poster

catieclones · 02/09/2023 20:48

@FlamingoFloss yes I have hundreds of times. This has been going on for years now. Probably since having first DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

catieclones · 02/09/2023 20:49

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll I know it's bad isn't it. I'm going to take her on a big walk tomorrow feel so sorry for her

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2023 21:15

Those couples are not you and you’re showing a poor relationship example to your kids for them to potentially go onto emulate. Also friends and family opinion can be unhelpful because they can be over invested as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is the point of you two being together?. You argue and you do not have sex. You state he’s good with the kids but how exactly when you also write that he never gets up with them in the morning. His only good points from your post is that he works hard and pays the bills. That is a very low relationship bar you have set for your own self here, it’s so low it’s really pitiful.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

You have two girls, do you want them to grow up thinking that this treatment you, and in turn they, are getting from their dad is acceptable in a relationship?. Would you want them to be with a man like this, no you would want better for them. You should want better for you as well.

Do you also think that such a man would want to see his children say half the week?. Likely not because they would interfere with his social life aka drinking time and work.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs, all this thinking of yours about throwing it all away is this. You’re probably only with him now because you think you’d have an easier life, well it is not is it. You’d be better off on your own with your two daughters and without their dad in their lives day to day. Your eldest child told you that he had been shouting at them all day ( because he is hungover and cannot be asked). He’s not even fed the dog either.

Youve talked to him before and he had not changed. You all will be in for yet more of the same from him if you are fool enough to stay with him. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Original poster

catieclones · 02/09/2023 21:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I agree with everything your saying...

So we have never been able to buy a house because he has a lot of debt & a CCJ, he isn't good with money obviously but earns a lot and pays the bills usually on time. Recently he was skint so I put more money in. I work part time as I don't have any help with childcare so earn half what he does.

God knows how much he spent on beer last night.

OP posts:

RosaCaramella · 02/09/2023 21:33

Sorry but his behaviour is not on. He knew you had a 12 hour shift today yet he stayed out drinking till the wee hours. I don’t think I’d have trusted him to be able to look after such young children after a night out like that. Whatever happens, he needs to grow up.
Things will only get better between you two if you both want it to. It won’t just happen. Kids are exhausting and it seems he’s not prepared to put in the hard graft.

wineandsunshine · 02/09/2023 21:42

Could you write everything down? Just start making a list of what you are struggling with and then ask him to sit and go through it?

From reading your post, it sounds like you really don't want to put up with the shit anymore - you don't! But it's hard to be brave and make a change.

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/09/2023 21:45

Definitely LTB. He's selfish and vile and you all deserve better.

6monthsto50 · 02/09/2023 21:48

How old are your kids?

Sid077 · 02/09/2023 23:05

Take your time and consider your options, obviously his behaviour is out of order. Go to counselling together to try and fix what’s going wrong. Separation is a really really hard road for you and the kids, take your time and be sure.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2023 09:28

I doubt very much that he would at all consider counselling. If counselling is to be at all considered then go on your own. I would indeed start to plan an exit from this relationship with due care and attention.

Raise your relationship bar OP a lot higher than it currently is going forward as well through counselling to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships. Your daughters will thank you for doing that too.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/09/2023 09:56

If you're doing 12 hour shifts and doing all of the childcare and housework the you're working a lot harder than he is.

Have a look at the Entitled To website to see where you'd stand financially if on your own. Also run his salary through a CMS calculator and assume he'd want the bare minimum of contact since he can't be arsed parenting his own children, the lazy shite.

LuisaF · 03/09/2023 09:57

Whats his drinking like usually? Does he spend his money on alcohol/drink at home/going out with friends?

how are things today?

Mmhmmn · 23/09/2023 23:17

he has a lot of debt & a CCJ, he isn't good with money obviously but earns a lot

Why isn’t he clearing his debts? Sounds like a man-baby.

perfectcolourfound · 24/09/2023 09:53

Yes I would leave him.

He's rubbish with money, to the point it's impacting on you / family money, yet he can go out drinking for hours at a time, to the point he gets completely drunk. That means he's stupid and selfish.

He won't get up with the children. He won't tidy up after himself or the children. To the extent that after a 12 hour shift you come home to a tip. He didn't even feed the dog! I can't believe just how selfish and useless he is. This is not a good dad.

Your life would be so much easier away from him.

Flip