Big age gap relationship - is my friend right?

[Woowee12]

I met my DH when I was 18 and he was 28. We are now early thirties/early forties.

We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, more downs recently. I’m lucky enough to have a close friend who I have confided in.

She told me she’s not surprised because of our age gap. How most relationships with a bigger age gap never work as the older one in the relationship is used to being controlling etc if they met while young. Does anyone agree with this?

I agree there tends to be issues with power imbalance in age gap relationships where the youngest is a teen still. Im not sure what is normal or most common, but the relationships I know that started with an age gap, with the youngest being a teen, have ended and the youngest has “outgrown” the oldest.

I’m not sure of the same would apply with age gap relationships when they start when the youngest is already well into adulthood.

Not in the slightest, and we have a bigger age gap than you. We did meet older than you though (mid 20s/40s), we're now mid 40s/60s.

We seem to have had far fewer ups and downs than friends with closer age relationships. Probably more to do with personalities than the age gap itself?

there was 14 years between myself and my ExH.
I was 19, he was 32.

Yes i agree with your friend in some circumstances, he was horribly controlling, and when i got older and a mind of my own, didn't like my asserting myself, it went very sour when i stopped bowing to his commands.

That being said.. i'm now in a relationship the other way.. i'm 43, he is 28, and there are no power/control issues because he is a mature man who knows his own mind, and i'm not a control freak.. if anything, he is the dominant one in the pairing despite my being older/more mature.

The correct balanced power dynamic is vital to age gap relationships working.

I agree with pp that it depends on the age of the younger partner. There’s so much more change a person will go through from 18 - 28 than from 28 - 38. It just seems so unequal. But of course, will depend on the two ppl involved.

We are the same gap as you. DH is not controlling, if anyone is it’s me, as I had to run the home etc while he worked away.
The problem I see now is how much he has aged more than me. He wants to sit around watching daytime TV, while I want to walk hills in different countries.

It can work if both are adults, ie a 27 year old with a 40 year old. Teenagers with much older partners is not on in this day and age although, has to be said, it used to happen years ago, especially with the aristocracy, and nobody thought anything of it.

My cousin had a boyfriend seventeen years older than her from when she was 21. They were very happy until he died of cancer when she was forty. She was devastated and I didn't think she would ever get over it but time is a healer and she has been with someone much the same age as her for many years now (she is 81). They are both quite youthful and have a good time, plenty of money and they travel quite a lot.

It works for some and not for others.

I’m in an age gap relationship, but one where I was in my 30s when it began.

I do feel some concern when there’s an age gap that begins with a teenager. It’s a big gulf between 18 to 28, and I do think there’s an attraction from the older partner that the younger is naive and more malleable/easily controlled.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone I dated in my teens / 20s now. It's not inconceivable that you've matured more than he has in that period & that change could be at the root cause of your current conflict. We have a similar age gap but didn't meet until we were older & both had a better idea of what we wanted from a relationship. I don't think older equates more controlling automatically but if he is controlling perhaps you've just realised it's not what you want. Or what seemed more knowledgeable and mature (attractive) actually turns out to have been bossy / controlling (unattractive).

No I don't agree and I think a controlling person is a controlling person regardless of age gap.

DH and I have a 12 year age gap, got together early 40s and late 50s and have a chilled/lovely relationship.

My current partner who I'm close to splitting with is 15 years older. I've gradually realised he's a miserable selfish arse who's often said I'm "immature" because I'm 34. Yet he smoke weed and can't manage his money!

That said I know many people with around a 10 year gap who are happy!

Think people can grow apart whether or not there is an age gap.

Its more that you were 18 not the age gap.
Theres a 16 year age gap between me and DH and we've been together 11 years and the relationship is still wonderful for me. But we got together when I was 26.
I think its really hard to maintain a relationship you start in your teens into adulthood regardless of the age gap. You change so much as a person. And yes there can often be an element of you being more childlike and then becoming more of an assertive adult woman and that not going down well. This happened in a relationship I started at 16 with a guy only a year older. We stayed together until I was 23 and I really feel that it fell apart because I grew up essentially and developed more of a personality where he wanted this sweet submissive girl still.

Ten year age gap here- me 38, him 28. Both can be quite dominant at times but I put that down to us both being massively independent and being used to doing things our own way. We are also the oldest child amongst our siblings.

Either way, we work well.

I met my first DH when I was 16 and he was 25. One of the many reasons why I left him after 14 years of marriage was due to his controlling way. He has a lot of issues (drink, drugs, unfaithful) but was so controlling that when it came to money for example, I didn't have a bank account until I left him when I was 30. If I wanted to go out with friends, I had to ask permission and ask for spending money. If I was going to the cinema he would buy my snacks at the shop to take with me and give me the exact change for the ticket. He controlled everything about my life the older I got the more I hated it.

Completely agree with this.

It’s a rubbish generalisation. There’s 24 years between my DH and I, and we are both extremely respectful and caring of each other, rarely disagree and I feel cherished at all times. My exH years ago was two years older, and turned out he was nasty and very controlling!
Why are you having more downs than ups?

Thanks for the replies.

From reading all replies it seems that we’ve grown so much separately (especially me) in the last 13/14 years and just aren’t compatible anymore.

We have 2 children and it really pains me to think of the 4 of us not being together, but I also don’t want them to follow in my footsteps and live unhappily.

My DH is hard work, very demanding and it’s his way always.

“I agree with pp that it depends on the age of the younger partner. There’s so much more change a person will go through from 18 - 28 than from 28 - 38. It just seems so unequal. But of course, will depend on the two ppl involved.”

This. There’s such a gulf between 18 and 28. And your update tends to confirm that he went for someone whom he could direct more easily than a woman his own age.

My ExH's refusal to accept/understand that 35yo me, was very different from 20yo me was a massive roadblock in our relationship. It was like he couldn't get his head around my maturing/asserting myself as i did so.

So much of our arguments and his bullying/control attempts were because he couldn't accept that i'd changed, grown up, developed a mind of my own, and started to realise i was allowed an opinion on what i did/where i went/who i spoke to and he had NO right to try and control those things.

Even now we've been separated (divorce pending) for over 6 years, he STILL comes out with 'well you never used to do x" or "you never used to like x"or "you weren't like that when i met you" and its like.. no, but i'm not 20yo any more either.