Swearing and ranting, not violent but resentful

[JoolsPinky]

Can anyone help me please..my partner is constantly swearing about things around the house...the mess, the jobs that need doing, the dog hair ...anything really. He calls everything "f'''ng' pieces of sh't" , and worse..but never swears AT me or calls me names. I find his angry outbursts make me feel sick and upset and I have tried talking to him about it. If I get really upset and shout back and then there will be an apology..if I try to discuss it further he gets more defensive and angry as he thinks I am challenging his apology. It happens a lot at weekends..I feel like he resents life with me. I feel sad and don't know what to do. I have spent the afternoon crying. We have been together 10+ years - what makes me sad is that EVERYONE thinks he's wonderful and affable and fun and jolly and that I'm the serious one in the relationship - he was all those things when we met but these meltdowns are almost every weekend. No one sees them.

That is a miserable existence. What’s keeping you there?

Swearing, ranting, making your life miserable and being generally unpleasant is enough to put anyone off and is enough of a reason to end a relationship if you want to.

If you’ve tried to speak to him about it, told him how much it upsets and affects you and he hasn’t done anything to stop this behaviour then I’d be making plans to leave if it was me.

You can only talk to someone about the same issue so many times. If they don’t change it then they just don’t want to unfortunately. You can’t control someone else’s behaviour you can only control your reaction to it.

What indeed is keeping you here with this abusive man?. Abusive people also are often quite plausible to those in the outside world so it does not surprise me that he is likely all sweetness and light with them. It is behind closed doors that his true nature emerges. He is not going to change, this is who he really is.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I would also call that abusive, even if it is not directed at you, and it is definitely not normal behavior. You should try talking to him about it when he is not in the mood, if that does not work offer couples counseling if available, if he refuses then you have a decision to make, stay or go. I would say go, but I know it is not easy. The things is, this is not a life worth living and you know it. Eventually, it will affect your mood and most importantly, your health. As for the relationship, it will not survive. You may continue living together but relationship will die if nothing is changed, for sure. Good luck OP.

Couples counselling is not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse also is not a relationship problem.

what makes me sad is that EVERYONE thinks he's wonderful and affable and fun and jolly

Of course they do, because he doesn’t act like that around them. He wouldn’t dare. Like many abusive men he’s decided he can drop the act around you, and that the rules don’t apply in your house. And he thinks you’re going to put up with it.

If you’re not ready to leave this pathetic bully you should not attempt to discuss his intimidation again. He knows what he’s doing. Instead I would be out every single weekend. I would not spend my precious weekends with someone like that. Actions will speak louder than words.

Thank you everyone.. honestly. It's been so long like this I was getting used to it, but knew deep down it was wrong and could see it was getting worse. I have calmly and clearly explained that his actions are not tolerable on any level. I have asked him to get help. I have explained the impact on me and how I cannot stomach it any more and that I am ready to split. He has said he will do all he can to change his behaviour.
It's meant a lot to me having your advice. Thank you