Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he care what his ex think?

25 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 13:33

Now I'm newly on anti anxiety meds so my emotions are all over the show. So I'm going to explain my situation and you feel free to tell me if I'm being extra sensitive.

My partners sister is having a christening for his niece tomorrow. My partners ex girlfriend is going to be there as his sister and her are great friends. I'm not bothered, I said I'll come with him and we can just ignore her if he feels uncomfortable. Apparently she was a very abusive ex, very physically and verbally horrible to him. He's frustrated that his sister is friends with her and his sister knows how terrible she was to him. Totally understandable.

Anyway, I said I'd support him if he went or if he didn't. His mum wants us both to go so I made a joke saying I'll make sure to dress up and look my best so he felt more confident. He then said 'you need to tell her we have a house and a car, make her think we are rich and our life is perfect'.

This hit a nerve if I'm honest. I'm almost 30. I understand the pettiness of wanting to look good if you bump into an ex but I would never care what they think about me or my partner, or my life. They are an ex. Screw them. I'm not living my life to prove to all my exs I will succeed. Not only are these statements far from the truth (because nobody is bloody perfect) but why does he care? Why does he want her to know all these bits of 'information'?

Does this show he still cares about her? Does this show he's ashamed of our life? Or am I over thinking and he's just at a different stage of life then me, he is two years younger, maybe to him making exes jealous is important whereas to me they are indifferent?

OP posts:
Coralie1 · 02/09/2023 13:36

No I don't think so, my reading is that he's just finding a way to express to her that she didn't completely break him.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 13:42

Coralie1 · 02/09/2023 13:36

No I don't think so, my reading is that he's just finding a way to express to her that she didn't completely break him.

That's a good way of looking at it. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 02/09/2023 13:53

you know this cliche of having a bully for a teacher who tells one of his students that they will never amount to anything? it feels good to know that they know the the student suceeddd.

One of the tactics abusers use is to tell their victims "nobody will ever love you like i do, you cant do anything, you will be lost without me!"

It's a personal win to be able to gain upper hand above these people, a sort of "fuck you, i proved you wrong"

QueenAstrid · 02/09/2023 13:59

I agree with this. My XH was pretty awful, and I take great satisfaction that he sees me happily moved on in a new relationship. It’s two fingers up to him. His opinion doesn’t matter to me at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 14:02

I don’t think he should go. If his sister really wanted him there she shouldn’t have invited his horrible ex. Her choice and he doesn’t have to go along with it.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2023 14:11

I agree with the others and irs what I thought when reading it.

It's not that he cares what she thinks per se and its not a reflection of you and him. He just doesn't want her to see any chinks in his armour, anything she could say anything negative about. He's trying seal you and him; to 'waterproof' you both against any storm she might wish to unleash then or in the future.

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/09/2023 14:17

He's a victim of abuse.

I think you need to find more empathy here.

SavBlancTonight · 02/09/2023 14:18

I think its far more likely that his complaints about her are not true and now he wants her to feel bad because their relationship is over.

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/09/2023 14:18

Pretty awful if sister to invite her.

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2023 14:24

SavBlancTonight · 02/09/2023 14:18

I think its far more likely that his complaints about her are not true and now he wants her to feel bad because their relationship is over.

WTF??

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:35

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/09/2023 14:17

He's a victim of abuse.

I think you need to find more empathy here.

I do agree that I need more empathy. This is why I'm checking as I'm on these meds. I went through a hugely abusive relationship. My ex is now in prison and I'm having to take these medications to deal with the trauma so I need to not let them cloud my judgement. I think because I'm on anti anxiety meds it's emotionally blunting me so when I think about bumping into my abusive ex rather then feel scared and feel like I need to prove myself, I would feel nothing but again that's my medication. You're right. I need to get past my silly judgment and be more understanding. Never compare abuse or how people handle it. Only support and be understanding! Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:35

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/09/2023 14:18

Pretty awful if sister to invite her.

Couldn't agree more!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:36

GreyCarpet · 02/09/2023 14:11

I agree with the others and irs what I thought when reading it.

It's not that he cares what she thinks per se and its not a reflection of you and him. He just doesn't want her to see any chinks in his armour, anything she could say anything negative about. He's trying seal you and him; to 'waterproof' you both against any storm she might wish to unleash then or in the future.

Very true! Thank you so much! Took me a bit and to have a bath to process my thoughts and you're totally right. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2023 14:02

I don’t think he should go. If his sister really wanted him there she shouldn’t have invited his horrible ex. Her choice and he doesn’t have to go along with it.

I totally agree but his mum is pressuring him. It's heartbreaking but I'll support him. Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:37

PaintedEgg · 02/09/2023 13:53

you know this cliche of having a bully for a teacher who tells one of his students that they will never amount to anything? it feels good to know that they know the the student suceeddd.

One of the tactics abusers use is to tell their victims "nobody will ever love you like i do, you cant do anything, you will be lost without me!"

It's a personal win to be able to gain upper hand above these people, a sort of "fuck you, i proved you wrong"

You're so right! Thank you for spelling it out to me. I really appreciate it!

OP posts:
FlamingoFloss · 02/09/2023 14:38

I would echo this

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 14:38

I'd like nothing more than 1 or 2 of my exes to see me now especially since the shit show their own lives ended up.

Doesn't mean I want them back. Just to show them I wasn't defeated. It's like confronting a bully.

Riverlee · 02/09/2023 14:40

He’s trying to prove to her that he’s moved on, living a much better life now. It’s not that he cares what she thinks, more showing that he has moved on and she means nothing.

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 14:41

To be fair you started it, by joking you’d act like a trophy.

I’d also be a bit icky about him wanting her to think he’s rich, it’s quite immature and also it sounds to me like he wants to impress her.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:41

ShellySarah · 02/09/2023 14:38

I'd like nothing more than 1 or 2 of my exes to see me now especially since the shit show their own lives ended up.

Doesn't mean I want them back. Just to show them I wasn't defeated. It's like confronting a bully.

You're so right! Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:42

Janieforever · 02/09/2023 14:41

To be fair you started it, by joking you’d act like a trophy.

I’d also be a bit icky about him wanting her to think he’s rich, it’s quite immature and also it sounds to me like he wants to impress her.

Couldn't agree more. That was my own insecurities popping through so I can't judge him for his. Thank you!

OP posts:
Coralie1 · 02/09/2023 14:53

It's like confronting a bully.

100%.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/09/2023 14:54

I don’t think he cares about her
but he a very incomplete with how much she hurt him

try and treat his insecurity with kindness rather than be insecure yourself? Easy to say

agree with the pp confronting a bully scenario
and they exist across life , work and relationships

RandomForest · 02/09/2023 23:51

Whatintheworldgirl · 02/09/2023 14:35

Couldn't agree more!!

Show quote history

Yeah, it's one of those situations that you tend to suck up when you are younger.

Someone with age and experience would just say no thanks, sister or not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2023 00:01

RandomForest · 02/09/2023 23:51

Yeah, it's one of those situations that you tend to suck up when you are younger.

Someone with age and experience would just say no thanks, sister or not.

Show quote history

And tell their mother to do one for trying to force a painful issue.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread