Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex drive- please help my relationship

6 replies

woolieapple · 02/09/2023 12:37

Hello, I have name changed for this but ongoing poster.

I'm mid thirties; have an 11 year old from previous and a 2 year old with my partner.

Beginning of our relationship the sex was amazing- as usual! It was great and we both enjoyed similar things etc.

Pregnancy came and we had sex twice because I was worried about preterm labour (son was born 13 weeks early and I was very high risk). Daughter came 7 weeks early in the end.

Then of course baby came.

We went through a period of having sex again but nothing like pre baby. And now it's basically non existent.

Partner is now watching porn to 'help' himself. Have seen it when on iPad. I never used to be that bothered about porn and we have had conversations about it in the past where I said as long as it doesn't hurt our sex life and what he was watching wasn't illegal etc! Which I don't ever think he would anyway. From what I've seen it's your very typical porno.

But I then feel I am to blame because I'm not feeling sexual at all! It's like every ounce of that has left my body. I don't want to do anything. I am tired, still breastfeeding my toddler and I'm just shattered from no sleep etc. so when it comes to it I just don't want it.

My partner seems to have ramped up the porn and I have seen this week he's watched it nearly every morning and night to obviously masturbate. Seems excessive to me. But then it puts me off wanting to have sex with him even more?? I don't feel attractive enough or maybe it's a confidence thing.

I recently have lost a lot of weight. From 11st to 7st. Safe bmi etc I'm just very short. I thought losing weight would help me but it hasn't.

I really want my oomph back. What can I do? Is it lost forever? Do I tell me partner I know how much he's watching porn and how it's bothering me? The iPad is his but he lets me use it as he never does; it's connected to his iCloud hence how I have seen his history! Makes me feel bad that I even looked.

I just want to have a healthy sex life back but to get it back I need to actually want it.

Would dating help? Toddler is with us 24/7. Co sleeping too. Maybe time to put her in her room so partner and I are back in again alone.

Partner and I also have had two almighty fall outs recently about other things and I think that's not helped me either. I feel a bit pushed away.

I still love him and find him attractive so it's not that either!

Not left toddler over night yet but maybe we need to get away for a night just me and him? Even if local for some drinks and hotel getaway.

Any ideas are very much welcome thank you!

OP posts:
category12 · 02/09/2023 13:20

Perfectly normal not to feel like sex when you're exhausted, breast-feeding and co-sleeping. Is he doing much of the night-wakings?

PimpMyFridge · 02/09/2023 13:28

This isn't just a you problem.
It takes two to light a fire.
Very natural for your child to drain you off vavavoom, the solution is not fit him to disengage.
When a problem arises, if the two people on either side of the coin turn towards each other for the solution it can be overcome happily.
When one or both turn away for the solution it will entrench it, sometimes a temporary external solution can buy you time before you address it properly, but ultimately in the end you need to come together and work out what the root cause is.
I had exactly this, and we drifted apart for a while, but discussed it and realised we were both feeling really disconnected. So DH upped his game so we both carried the load (as far as possible when breastfeeding is happening, but other stuff can be done), he had been slacking, he also helped me feel loved which is a massive turn on. So lots of tenderness and loving touches. We made time for the little things, eye contact etc.
That got us back on track. Your sex drive does not exist in isolation to your circumstances... He needs to recognise you're both responsible for the atmosphere and inclinations...

Original poster
woolieapple · 02/09/2023 13:32

category12 · 02/09/2023 13:20

Perfectly normal not to feel like sex when you're exhausted, breast-feeding and co-sleeping. Is he doing much of the night-wakings?

No he's never done nights because the times we have tried were never successful as baby only ever fed to sleep. Tbh she still is the same now and feeds to sleep. Got myself into a bit of a pickle there.

OP posts:
Original poster
woolieapple · 02/09/2023 13:33

PimpMyFridge · 02/09/2023 13:28

This isn't just a you problem.
It takes two to light a fire.
Very natural for your child to drain you off vavavoom, the solution is not fit him to disengage.
When a problem arises, if the two people on either side of the coin turn towards each other for the solution it can be overcome happily.
When one or both turn away for the solution it will entrench it, sometimes a temporary external solution can buy you time before you address it properly, but ultimately in the end you need to come together and work out what the root cause is.
I had exactly this, and we drifted apart for a while, but discussed it and realised we were both feeling really disconnected. So DH upped his game so we both carried the load (as far as possible when breastfeeding is happening, but other stuff can be done), he had been slacking, he also helped me feel loved which is a massive turn on. So lots of tenderness and loving touches. We made time for the little things, eye contact etc.
That got us back on track. Your sex drive does not exist in isolation to your circumstances... He needs to recognise you're both responsible for the atmosphere and inclinations...

Thank you.

My eldest has gone to my parents tonight so it's just us three at home. I think I'll suggest we go out and have some time together and discuss how we both are feeling.

I already know he really wants to be close to me, it's me that's pushing him away.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/09/2023 13:43

If she's two, maybe it's time to stop the feeding to sleep so you can both put her down? Be good to get her self-soothing to sleep. That way gives you more freedom & better chance of a night's sleep and he can step up a bit. Be tough for a while changing this pattern, of course.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread