How to behave with abusive ex in front of DC

[Lavenderfowl]

If this was a “normal” divorce I’d do my best to be amicable with my ex, at least in front of the kids. But I had to divorce him after years of abuse, and he can still be very nasty to me, plus he has told huge lies to his family about what has happened.

He is all for being friends, wants to kiss me goodbye🤮 when he drops the kids off, calls me sweetheart and tries to initiate conversation. He also wants to buy me presents for birthdays and Christmas etc.

I grey rock, I want none of this, I can barely look at him I am so hurt and angry at what he has done.

But I worry that this makes things more difficult for the kids (mid primary age); on the one hand I’m showing them I have boundaries in place (they know some of what went on but not all), but on the other it would be easier for them if I were to play nicely.

Thoughts?

You're right to maintain boundaries - he's deliberately pushing them and if you give ground, he'll push them further.

I think pretending to be affectionate and letting him kiss you etc would be more confusing for the children who might think you might be getting back together.

And the buying presents etc is about him trying to create a feeling of obligation, not about being nice. It's always a power play with an abusive person.

Just be firm but civil and calm - you're not friends, you're exes.

And it's not normal to let someone you don't really like anymore kiss you - if you have daughters especially, imo it's actually a good example to show them it's OK to protect your personal space and say no (either by body language or verbally) to unwanted touching.

I would say hold the boundary too. You want to show your kids that you don't have to accept affection from people if you don't want to.

I'm old now 😂but I can still remember my father going through a phase like this shortly after my mother told him she wanted a divorce. I was a bit older than your kids but he was abusive and I knew it. It gave me the ick. All those years of making it clear that he despised her, calling her a c*nt and spitting at her in front of me, and then suddenly playing the loving husband and family man. Barf. It's about control, and it's about him demonstrating that he's not the problem, you are.

My mother used to take us out a lot just so we wouldn't have to spend time in the house with him - not anywhere expensive or fancy, just out - we used to spend hours slowly walking around the local supermarket. I remember one such trip shortly after she told him she was done and he suddenly decided to come with us. Got all dressed up, suit jacket and jeans, and insisted on holding hands with her, playing the caring husband out in public. I hated that day, and I hated him. Your children will know and they will lose their trust in you if you let him do it. I know that the instinct is to do what he wants to keep the peace, but you don't have to do that any more.

Deal with him like you would professionally. I.e hi how are you etc without going into in-depth conversation about lives etc. this will show your kids you’re good and civil but that there’s boundaries when you split up from someone. X

Continue to grey rock, and hold your boundaries. Better for yourself, and both of your DC. You will get to keep your boundaries, and not have your ex continue to control you. Your DC will see consistant boundaries, will see you modeling self respect, and how to safely navigate conflict. Kisses goodbye, and you "playing nicely" is likely to be confusing for them, rather than reassuring.

I would refuse to get drawn into any conversation that is not about the DC, and if at all possible, I would push for all comms to go through one avenue. For exH and I, that's whatsapp. Your ex will likely try to push for you to relent, then try to push for a reaction. So I would get some stock phrases that you can repeat even when/if he's getting to you. I have once had my ex stood outside his house, getting angry, trying to get me to argue with him, because I wouldn't agree to change contact times. (Only suited him, and would have meant DC1 missing her therapy session) I repeatedly told him I would only discuss this over whatsapp, as per our agreement. It took a while, and we had a few other various attempts, but he doesn't try that shit anymore now.

Ask him to stop with the kissing and not do so in front of your children.
I believe civil but no pretence.
What game is playing.
Presents are fine of your comfort as long as the kids had a say in the chosen present.

thank you everyone it’s good to have your reassurance that I’m doing the right thing - he is very clever at manipulating the situation which is how I found myself in this situation in the first place. I am gradually getting better at keeping my distance, physically and emotionally, just want to cause the least harm possible to the DC in doing so. Christmas is the next big hurdle, the kids will want him here for present-opening at least…but so long as I can get rid of him after a couple of hours that might be the least worst option.

The kids could open their presents from him and his family with him. There's no reason it has to be all of you together. It's quite normal for one parent to have Xmas day and the other Boxing day and alternate it, or spend part of the day with one parent and the rest of the day with the other.

If there's a risk he won't leave when agreed, I would consider those options instead. Nothing wrong in creating new traditions.

^ this.
I would try to make sure that he never gets to go into your home again.

And as @MangoBiscuit said have a number of stock replies ready.
And the way you construct them can be helpful try to make them passive eg replace "I asked you not to do..." "you were asked not to do ..."
Its a small change but its not a direct challange and it is asking about his choice rather than your request

@MadamePickle 🌻

@MadamePickle "I know that the instinct is to do what he wants to keep the peace, but you don't have to do that any more."

This by the bucketload; it is so, so hard to move myself away from the patterns I've unwittingly relied on (and increasingly so) for 20 years. I am getting better at it gradually though, and thanks for everyone's suggestions re Christmas as I will enjoy it a lot more if I don't have to spend time with him.