End of a relationship - what do I need to think about?

[Dawny1879]

Been with my partner 12 years, unmarried, DS is 4 and DD is 1. Things have been really bad this year and we both know it. I lost my mum suddenly five weeks ago and my partner hasn't really let up with arguing, deflection etc. I am totally at breaking point and I just can't do it, or subject the children to this any longer. It is not a healthy relationship. We have both counselling and it hasn't worked. Two happy separate parents are better than two miserable parents. Saying that I am still absolutely devastated for my babies.

We have agreed to separate. We live in Scotland. Partner is not on the mortgage or on any bills. He contributes £600 a month to all household bills/childcare ...which is nice to have, but doesn't cover either the mortgage or childcare. I am on a reasonable wage and work 35hrs a week. Currently he is not working due to his mental health and has our DD 2 days a week. DS is at school Nursery. Looking for some advice on what I need to consider going forward. What rights does he have financially surrounding moving out the house and going forward? What else do I need to start planning for?

I don’t know if laws are different in Scotland but you could try looking at a child support calculator online. Found this https://www.mygov.scot/child-maintenance/who#:~:text=You%20need%20a%20child%20maintenance,and%20including%20SCQF%20level%206
If he doesn’t work though there might not be anything to claim. Can you claim Uc to top up your wages? https://www.cas.org.uk/helptoclaim
If he’s not working can he do all pick ups, after school care when ds is in school ?

If he’s not working he won’t have to pay, or a minimal amount if he’s on benefits. So your best bet is a private arrangement, if he’s got any savings etc he could pay you.

Thank you for your replies. He isn't great with money and has very little savings and he is going to need these to make a fresh start. I am kind of resigned to the fact that he won't be able to provide very much for the kids whilst he isn't working. I am just going to need to budget well and maybe look at finding a better paid job.

I suppose I am wondering if he is entitled to anything from me? He has been living with me since 2016 and didn't contribute to my deposit, but has been providing £600/month for all the bills/childcare etc. Will I need to pay him anything to leave? I have already asked him to make a list of furniture etc he wants (I am not precious about anything we have bought together) for his new place. Also really unsure around the process of him getting onto a housing list? I don't want to see him homeless. Is this typically a long process?

I think in Scotland he'll be entitled to zero from the house.

If he isn't working then presumably he can carry on being main carer at very least in the daytime for DC but you can at least get wheels in motion to find full time childcare for them as it really will need to get a job presumably.

Does he have anywhere to move to in the short or long term?

@RandomMess he can move back in with his parents, but they are located about 1 hour away. He isn't keen on the idea, but short term I think that will be for the best. Ideally I want him to have his own place with a room for the kids to share - but understand that may take a while. I am glad to hear he won't be entitled to anything from me, so I won't have to factor in a payment to him (that is quite a relief). Do people typically use a mediator in this short of situation and does anyone know how much that costs?

Thank you for reading. I am a bit of a mess today, but know it is for the best.

You need to check out the law and how the process works in Scotland.

You could offer to pay up a deposit and one month rent in a 2 bed locally so he stays close? It sounds like he needs to get a job ASAP

Dear OP, I would suggest you definitely talk to a lawyer as laws are different in different countries. I live in North America and when separated I was paying spousal support to my ex husband just because he was earning less then me. I thought I would have to continue paying him for as long as he was earning less, which devastated me, especially because kids stayed with me and while he was paying me child support, he was practically paying it with my own money (crazy I know). Anyway, it was not until I found a lawyer that I learned that I did not have to be paying him anything. As able bodied adult he is expected to earn for his upkeep, so in the end he agreed that this goes on for only a year until he is back on his feet.